


Accidents of Life

by hizashi



Series: Accidents of Life [1]
Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:44:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 44,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8492074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hizashi/pseuds/hizashi
Summary: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."- Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the SoulA lot of things happen to Jinhwan, but this isn't him; they're just accidents of life.





	1. Rising Up

**Author's Note:**

> A yearlong journey from the idea's inception to its eventual completion. I hope at least one person out there finds this enjoyable...
> 
> The other members are present; they just don't feature as prominently as Jinhwan, Junhwe, Hanbin, and Bobby.
> 
> (And though I've made my peace with "Yunhyeong," I simply cannot stand "Junhoe." So, you know, just a heads up.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **part 01 rising up**
> 
>   
> _To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all._  
>  \- Oscar Wilde

Jinhwan thinks there are so many other things he could be doing with his time that don't involve Pride Performance Night. He could be studying for his abnormal psych test that's coming up soon or working on his annotated bibliography for his social psychology class or attempting to make sense of his statistics homework. But instead, Hanbin had bullied him into coming out ("C'mon, hyung, you have no life! Live a little!"), and Hanbin and Bobby are performing anyway, so Jinhwan had thought there would be no harm in supporting his closest friends. His only friends at this point, really. Not that this is Jinhwan's fault—it's just an accident of life—but these accidents are forcing him out on a Friday night when he could be doing literally anything else, so, well… He’s starting to think that maybe he should try to accident himself out of this situation as soon as possible.

It's not that Jinhwan is afraid of being gay or anything (he had made peace with that part of himself a long time ago), and it's not that he minds going to one of Pride's biggest events of the semester (he's actually never been, though he's been curious), and it's certainly not that he's averse to the idea of being around a bunch of attractive queer men (this is the opposite of a problem). No, when it comes down to it, it's really just that Jinhwan is a homebody. Hanbin and Bobby, his two accidents, are enough for him; any more than that and he starts getting anxious and withdrawn, no matter how much Bobby tries to get him involved in whatever festivities happen to be going on around them at the time. It's a bit ridiculous, and objectively Jinhwan knows it, but it's how he is; he can't help it. Not that Jinhwan has always been this way, but his turning into a borderline recluse had really just been an accident of life. Truth be told, Jinhwan has a lot of those.

Despite all this, though, he'd been dragged out on a Friday night to this Pride event to see his only two friends in the world perform. Hanbin has an arm around Jinhwan's shoulders, Bobby is holding Hanbin's hand, and Jinhwan thinks they probably look like the poster boys for polyamory. And it wouldn't be too far off the mark, either, because the three of them are unhealthily codependent, but there are a few snags: Bobby is as straight as a pole so that isn't happening, and even though Hanbin swings both ways, after he and Jinhwan had tried a relationship for a few weeks what feels like millennia ago, they had decided that they were better off as friends. And though Jinhwan will admit that the three of them are freakishly close to each other, when it comes to romantic relationships, he wouldn't want to share anyway. But right now, all he can think about is how Bobby is making kissy faces at random people, most of whom are giggling or winking or throwing kisses back at them, and all of this embarrasses Jinhwan; it's bringing them all kinds of unnecessary attention, which makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't like sticking out. Jinhwan would much rather live his life blending in. He folds his arms across his chest protectively and stares at his shoes. He feels Hanbin squeeze his shoulder.

"Cheer up," Hanbin breathes into Jinhwan's ear. "Pride Performance Night is always loads of fun."  
Jinhwan sighs. "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."  
At this Bobby lets go of Hanbin's hand, runs to Jinhwan's other side, and grabs Jinhwan's arm. Jinhwan and Hanbin stop walking. "You mean you wouldn't come see me and Hanbin dance?"  
He looks crushed. Jinhwan laughs and shakes him off. "Of course I'd come see you dance, you turd."

Bobby looks satisfied, says he's going to run ahead and meet up with some of his friends, and goes tearing across the courtyard to the amphitheater. He high-fives and shouts at and hugs so many people on his way in that Jinhwan can't really believe that someone so straight could have so many queer friends. Well, Bobby's closest friends are both queer, but still—Jinhwan is gay and doesn't even have as many queer friends as Bobby. Another accident of life, he supposes. Hanbin and Jinhwan make their way across the courtyard and into the amphitheater, and then they head backstage. Hanbin and Bobby are dancing in the first act, so Hanbin checks in with one of the production managers. He chats briefly with the Pride Club president while Jinhwan looks around at all the performers. So many people in drag. He smiles; tonight might be fun after all.

He and Hanbin walk back to the main stage area to find seats. By this time the event is almost ready to start, so the only place with three seats together is in the very back row. Hanbin complains that they should have left earlier, but Jinhwan quips that if Hanbin had spent less time flirting with the president, they'd have gotten to their seats sooner. Hanbin flushes and shuts up immediately, and Jinhwan grins. Hanbin is too easy. With five minutes to go, Hanbin heads backstage and Jinhwan wishes him good luck. Hanbin and Bobby are fourth, and they're excellent: It's a dance that Hanbin had choreographed himself to a medley of recent hit songs, and Jinhwan records it on Hanbin's phone. There are screams and cheers (Jinhwan is surprised and yet not surprised at how popular Bobby is) and Jinhwan, for how much he hates crowds, loves that kind of validation. He would be lying if he said he weren't just a little bit jealous. 

And he would probably be dancing with them right now if it weren't for—that's right—yet another accident of life.

During intermission Hanbin and Bobby meet up with Jinhwan again. He congratulates them on their performance because yes, Hanbin, you guys were great, stop worrying. Hanbin is glowing with pride, but he still looks anxious, desperate for approval, chewing his thumb and bouncing in his seat. Bobby is also hyper—nothing new there—but the adrenaline from the performance is giving him even more energy. When Jinhwan tells him to calm down, Bobby actually leans over Hanbin to grab Jinhwan's face and give him a big wet kiss on the mouth. "We were amazing!" he screams at the top of his lungs while Hanbin laughs hysterically and Jinhwan wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, ears red with embarrassment. Some people laugh, some whistle, and others whoop, but Jinhwan just rolls his eyes and slides down in his seat. He really can't believe that he has to remind himself sometimes that Bobby likes girls.

The second act starts not long after that, and Jinhwan has to admit that he's enjoying himself. The first act had been fun, and it's always a joy to see Hanbin and Bobby, and then... out onto the stage walks everything Jinhwan has ever fantasized about when he's alone in his room at night, and he's a little embarrassed to admit that he'd gasped out loud. The performer is introduced as Goo Junhwe, and he is tall, perfectly proportioned, and clearly toned beneath his black skinny jeans and smooth white shirt. His hair is dark and thick, and Jinhwan may or may not have had brief but wild thoughts of what it might feel like to run his fingers through it. Junhwe has a casual sort of elegance about him; a cool and mischievous look in his handsome face that Jinhwan doesn't think would be as effortless even for Bobby on one of his self-proclaimed "maximum swag days." Junhwe also has a guitar slung over his back, and Jinhwan swears to a whole pantheon of gods that if this boy sounds like—like— _fuck._ Junhwe's voice is a low rasp, but still somehow so smooth, and at his first falsetto Jinhwan makes a strangled sort of noise. Hanbin elbows him.

It's been a long time since any sort of music has affected Jinhwan so deeply. He used to live and breathe music, but he hasn't been as into it for the past few years (another accident of life), which may be why Junhwe hits him so hard. Too many pent-up feelings. Jinhwan is swaying in his seat, his eyes half-closed, and he can see himself dancing to this. From somewhere far away Hanbin tugs at Jinhwan’s arm, pulling him up and out of his seat, whispering that Jinhwan should just do it, just let go, and without realizing what he's doing, Jinhwan starts to dance. He moves so easily, as if it had been choreographed ages ago and he's dancing from muscle memory; every fluid motion he makes is in perfect harmony with Junhwe's singing. Jinhwan is so lost in what he's doing that he doesn't notice how many people have turned around to watch him, how many had started taking out their phones to record him, until he turns to face Junhwe just as the song comes to a close and finally becomes aware of all of the eyes and phones trained on him.

Junhwe is watching him too, and Jinhwan chokes. Everyone is clapping and cheering, and Junhwe laughs. "I think I may have just been upstaged." Jinhwan ducks his head and slinks back to his seat, mortified, but Junhwe says that he thought Jinhwan was amazing. Jinhwan sinks lower into his seat, his face beet red and his ears burning, while Bobby flails with laughter and Hanbin pats Jinhwan's thigh. Junhwe sings two more songs, and before the last one, he asks if the boy in the back would like to come up on stage and freestyle again, but Jinhwan shakes his head vigorously. _No, god no, lord help me no, jesus christ almighty no._ When he declines Junhwe’s invitation, he is taken aback to see disappointment on Junhwe's face and hear the letdown in the crowd's deep sigh. Well, at least he still has some capacity left to move people with his dancing. One small solace.

As soon as the event is over, Jinhwan drags Hanbin from the amphitheater. He has to escape. But Hanbin is whining that first of all, hyung, we forgot Bobby, and second of all, he'd really like to stay and catch up with his friends, at least for a little while, and—Jinhwan lets go of Hanbin's hand. "Jesus, Hanbin, fine, we can stay. I just thought you'd want to rescue me from..." Jinhwan trails off with a sigh because Hanbin is already walking back toward the amphitheater without him. He skulks after Hanbin because Hanbin is his ride home, and really, he _had_ forgotten all about Bobby. Some people call out to him or compliment his dancing, and Jinhwan tries to smile at them in thanks but isn't sure how successful he is. A nameless, faceless crowd is one thing; discrete individuals are quite another.

Hanbin stops when he spots Bobby, and Jinhwan stops because he's crashed into Hanbin, and when he looks up he could have died on the spot because talking to Bobby is none other than Junhwe. Of course Bobby had found and latched onto the one person Jinhwan can't possibly bear to see right now. Of course. Hanbin and Junhwe do some weird and ridiculous handshake-cum-chest bump and Jinhwan is immediately suspicious. He wonders if they know each other, and then he remembers that he's probably the only loser in the world with literally two friends, so it would make sense for a normal person like Hanbin to associate with people outside Jinhwan's absurdly tiny social circle. He's ruminating on that thought so intently that he doesn't realize that Junhwe has held out his hand for Jinhwan to shake until Bobby sticks a finger up Jinhwan's nose.

" _Fuck_ Bobby what the fu—oh."  
Jinhwan stops flailing and stares at Junhwe's outstretched hand. "Hi," Junhwe says. "I'm Goo Junhwe."  
Jinhwan shakes Junhwe's hand. It's calloused but warm. "I'm Kim Jinhwan," Jinhwan manages to say, and he's proud to note that he hadn't squeaked or mumbled—especially because up close Junhwe is even more handsome.  
"So, Bobby-hyung was telling me that it's been a really long time since you last danced, but that seems hard to believe since you pretty much took all the attention away from me. That takes some skill."  
Jinhwan isn't sure if Junhwe is full of himself or just making a joke or if it's a little bit of both. To be on the safe side, Jinhwan mutters an apology. "I dunno what came over me to be honest."  
"Well," Junhwe says with a smile, "I'm glad it was my music that managed to get you to dance again. You were amazing, for real."  
Jinhwan can feel his ears turning red. "Thanks," he mumbles.  
They look at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, and Jinhwan can sense Hanbin and Bobby silently laughing at him. Assholes. He'll show them, he'll say something first—but it's Junhwe who breaks the silence.  
"Wanna grab a drink with me?"  
"I don't drink."  
"Oh... Well, coffee, then, maybe?"

It's not that Jinhwan doesn't want to, really, but he has tests and a limited capacity for human interaction and—“He'd love to!" Bobby interjects before Jinhwan can wrangle his way out of what's looking like it could turn into a date, never mind the fact that Jinhwan struggles when meeting new people. "He has no plans, and me and Hanbin have things to do, so you guys go to that cafe down the street." Bobby grabs a confused Hanbin's arm and drags him off before he can say anything to the contrary (which Jinhwan would welcome, honestly, because it would probably save him at this point), and then Bobby shouts over his shoulder that they'll pick Jinhwan up later. Because of course Hanbin is the only one out of the three of them with a license and a car (a rickety old thing that used to be his grandma's), and of course Jinhwan lives so far out in the middle of nowhere that all public transportation stops running by 8:30 PM and it's almost 9 now. Jinhwan sighs and looks at Junhwe. Strangely, he doesn't feel as anxious as he'd thought he might. "Well," he says, "shall we?"

It's a six-minute walk to the cafe, and they fill up the time making small talk. Junhwe is surprised to learn that Jinhwan is the hyung ("I thought you were younger than me!") and even more surprised when he learns that Jinhwan, though age-appropriate for a university fourth year, is still a second year. Jinhwan isn't usually embarrassed by this, but for some reason he feels self-conscious now. With a shrug Jinhwan explains that it had been out of his control. An accident of life. Junhwe doesn't press the matter, and Jinhwan is grateful; some people just can't take the hint. Jinhwan decides to go for something safe next and asks Junhwe what his major is. 

"Business," Junhwe says. When Jinhwan offers no response, Junhwe laughs a little. "Boring, I know. I'm concentrating in marketing. What about you?"  
"Psychology," replies Jinhwan, and Junhwe looks excited.  
"I bet that's really interesting."  
"People say that," Jinhwan says with a small smile, "but I think they just don't really know what psych is about. And I'm not into research or traditional therapy; I want to be a social worker."  
Junhwe frowns thoughtfully. "I guess I never really thought about someone studying psychology to not be a therapist."  
"There's also neuroscience and developmental psych and stuff. It all might boil down to the brain, but psychology is a broad field."  
"Right. So basically I'm studying ways to make people give me all their money, and you just want to be able to help them." Junhwe shoves at Jinhwan playfully. "Thanks for making me look bad, asshole."

Jinhwan grins.

While Jinhwan is ordering his drink and Junhwe is finding them a table, Jinhwan gets a text from Hanbin. _Hi hyung I get wats goin on now so lemme tell u wats up. So the rumors say junhwes usually into girls but guys r ok so u hv a chance. He's not ttly disgusting we've been drinking b4. If it gets rly weird tho jus txt me n I'll make Bobby pretend he's sick n well rescue u otherwise well see u in ~1-2hrs. Hv fun!!!!! Live a lil!!!!!!!!!!! Oh Bobby wants me to tell u he thinks Junhwe is kinda dumb n I mean he's not wrong the kid can b a lil shit but tbh fuck Bobby y did he even try to set u up if he's gonna say shit like this!!!!!! Anyway u hv a good time hyung we luv u!!!!!!!_ Jinhwan smiles in spite of himself. Hanbin is too cute. He slips his phone into his jacket pocket and heads toward Junhwe. So Hanbin and Bobby do know Junhwe, and they seem to like him well enough. That puts Jinhwan at ease a little. When he sits across from Junhwe, he notices that Junhwe looks a bit nervous, so Jinhwan shoots him a reassuring smile. He's the hyung after all, and Hanbin is right—Jinhwan should try to live a little.

From there, it's like the floodgates open. Junhwe is surprisingly easy to talk to once he's opened up a bit, and he has Jinhwan laughing all night. Jinhwan learns a lot: Junhwe is a first year, he lives by himself in a studio apartment near campus, and he has an older sister. But what intrigues Jinhwan the most is that Junhwe used to dance. Jinhwan always feels a kind of kindred connection to other dancers. But the truly interesting part is that Junhwe hadn't cared about singing at all at first, but by some twist of fate, he had switched hobbies in middle school. He'd messed up his foot ("I was riding on the back of my mom's bicycle, and to this day I couldn't tell you how it happened, but my foot got stuck in the wheel and ripped all the skin off my ankle and—") and thus couldn't dance in the school talent show, so he’d decided to play a song on the guitar and sing; then he’d gotten popular with girls because they had liked his voice. This part of the story amuses Jinhwan to no end. (The other parts, not so much—he'd gagged and told Junhwe to skip the nitty-gritty details about the accident.) "So you decided to sing to get laid?" he asks. Junhwe laughs. "I guess I can't deny it." It feels like only fifteen minutes have passed when a familiar weight falls on Jinhwan’s shoulders: Bobby is leaning on him, resting his chin on Jinhwan's head. Jinhwan looks up, and Bobby pinches Jinhwan's cheeks.

"Ready to go?" Hanbin asks from over Bobby's shoulder.  
"What time is it?"  
"It's just after 11."  
"What, really?" Jinhwan says in surprise.  
Hanbin leans on Jinhwan's chair, smirking. "Time flies when you're having fun!" he sing-songs, eyebrows waggling suggestively.  
Jinhwan hits him. "Shut up asshole," he grumbles. He stands, and Junhwe follows suit. "Thanks for tonight. I had a good time."  
Junhwe smiles. "Me too. What's your KakaoTalk?"

They swap IDs and Junhwe walks with them to the front of the cafe. Hanbin offers to drive him home, but Junhwe says his apartment isn’t that far away. He waves goodbye and leaves. Jinhwan, Bobby, and Hanbin make their way to Hanbin's car, and as soon as Jinhwan closes the door behind him, Bobby and Hanbin swivel around from the front to face him. "Tell us everything," they say in unison. Jinhwan rolls his eyes, but he's smiling because it was nice, he tells them, it was really nice. "He looks like he'd be kinda aloof, but he's actually really talkative and sweet." Bobby and Hanbin are squealing, and Jinhwan is embarrassed that they're this excited about something that probably won't amount to anything, let alone a romantic relationship. He tells them as much, and Hanbin's face falls.

"Nah, hyung, it's..." he trails off and looks at Bobby for help.  
"We're just really happy that you're happy," Bobby says with a sigh. "If anyone deserves to be happy, hyung, it's you."

Jinhwan kicks the back of Bobby's seat and tells him he's being gross, but inside, he's pleased. By another accident of life, Jinhwan hasn't been truly happy in a long time, and if he thinks about it, he shouldn't be so surprised that his only two friends in the whole wide world had noticed. Besides, he can't say he isn't touched that they want so bad for him to find joy in his life again. He curls up in his seat and gazes out the window. His phone buzzes—Junhwe. _Hey ^^ Thanks for tonight. I just got home. You still in the car?_ Jinhwan smiles to himself. Maybe Hanbin is right; maybe he should allow himself the luxury of being happy.

It doesn't take long for Junhwe to creep into Jinhwan's life and settle in like he'd always been there, like his presence in Jinhwan's life is as natural as Hanbin's or Bobby's. They text back and forth all day every day, and they have a standing study date every Thursday evening. They aren't together, though, much to the dismay of Hanbin and Bobby (and probably Junhwe, Jinhwan thinks, and even himself, a little bit, if he's being completely honest). But even so, Jinhwan will let Junhwe sling an arm around his waist or shoulders, and he isn't above resting his head in Junhwe's lap or cuddling with him when they're watching movies in Junhwe's apartment. It's not like Jinhwan doesn't do these things with Hanbin and Bobby already anyway. And even if Jinhwan is ready to allow himself a bit of happiness, he isn't quite ready for a relationship. He needs to figure out his own feelings and be sure of Junhwe's before he can commit to anything. Jinhwan hasn't exactly had the easiest life; he doesn't want to risk his mental stability on the whims of a crush.

Because it _is_ a crush and Jinhwan _does_ have one and he finds it all very irritating. He's heard all about Junhwe's various conquests from Hanbin, and he's positive that Junhwe had invited him out after Pride Performance Night just to get in Jinhwan's pants, so he'd been leery for a while that all Junhwe had wanted was sex. But he hasn't made a move on Jinhwan or gotten upset that Jinhwan hasn't put out, so Jinhwan had gradually come to think that Junhwe just genuinely wants to be his friend. But that hadn't shielded Jinhwan from his own feelings, which had swelled up inside him over the better part of a year until he finds himself just about ready to explode from the weight of it all. He hasn't been attracted to or felt this close to anyone in so long that he balks at the prospect of facing his emotions. It isn't fair; all he'd wanted was to be happy, not to be crushed by the feeling that he's rushing into something he doesn't deserve.

It all comes to a head around Jinhwan's birthday. He doesn't like to make a big deal out of it: Traditionally he and his family (including Hanbin and Bobby, of course) go out to eat, and that's it. When Hanbin and Bobby got their apartment two years ago, Jinhwan had started spending the rest of his birthday night at their place to play video games or watch movies or otherwise fool around. The whole affair is laid-back and not much different from most other nights—Jinhwan doesn't even let anyone get him presents. But this year, Hanbin and Bobby are being secretive, sometimes refusing to even let Jinhwan into their apartment. It's stupid, really, because it's so obvious that they're up to something, but Jinhwan grudgingly admits that they are doing a good job of keeping the secret; they're just completely screwing up hiding the fact that they have a secret to keep in the first place.

On Jinhwan's actual birthday, Hanbin drives the three of them back to the apartment after dinner with Jinhwan’s family, and when Jinhwan opens the door, he's met with fanfare and a dozen people shouting "surprise!" at him. In the middle of the throng holding a birthday cake is a beaming Junhwe, and all Jinhwan can do is gape at the spectacle because he can't quite wrap his mind around what is happening. Hanbin and Bobby are laughing, and Hanbin claps Jinhwan on the shoulders and shakes him. "I think we broke him." This isn't too far from the truth. Bobby drags Jinhwan inside, throws him into a chair in the kitchen, and shouts for Junhwe to bring in the birthday cake. Junhwe sets the cake down in front of Jinhwan and lights the candles. The cake has "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JINAN" written on it in hot pink icing. Jinhwan stares hard at it, then squints at Junhwe, then squints around looking for Hanbin and Bobby. He finds Hanbin to his immediate left, and Bobby is hovering beside Junhwe, who is to Jinhwan’s immediate right. Everyone else piles into the kitchen around them, Hanbin asks someone to kill the lights, and then they all sing happy birthday. When they finish singing, everyone looks at Jinhwan expectantly, waiting for him to blow out the candles. Jinhwan glances at Junhwe, then fixes his gaze on Hanbin. 

"He's attempting to communicate," Hanbin says, half-laughing. "Right now he's sending me a telepathic message asking why I decided to put him through all this."  
This is true. Jinhwan narrows his eyes, but Hanbin shrugs. "Sorry, hyung. This whole thing was Junhwe's idea; me and Bobby just volunteered the apartment."

Jinhwan whips around to stare, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, at Junhwe. Junhwe is still smiling, though it's a smaller, more hesitant smile than the one he'd had before. Like he doesn't think Jinhwan is happy or that this had all been a bad idea. Shit. Jinhwan has trouble with crowds, sure, but it's easier when he knows everyone, and this? This he can handle. It's really just seven extra people if he doesn't count Hanbin, Bobby, or Junhwe, and Jinhwan knows them, and they're all chill enough and understand Jinhwan well enough that he thinks he can keep his anxieties in check. Besides, he's spent the past few years not letting anyone put him first. Maybe Hanbin and Bobby are too used to that; maybe they think if they were to try something new or do something nice for him, Jinhwan would get upset; or maybe they're just scared. Jinhwan wouldn't blame them if that were the case, but still... Junhwe had decided to put Jinhwan first, thought of Jinhwan's happiness before anyone else's. 

Junhwe still looks a bit unsure so Jinhwan tries to smile. Now Junhwe looks concerned so Jinhwan is sure he must look ridiculous. Junhwe has to get as good at reading Jinhwan as Hanbin and Bobby have because sometimes it's just too difficult to use words, especially now that Jinhwan can feel his heart beating a mile a minute and his throat starting to stick. Shit. He would hate himself forever if he cried now. Junhwe moves his hands from the back of Jinhwan's chair to Jinhwan's shoulders and gives them a comforting squeeze. "Aw, c'mon, hyung, don't cry. Just blow out the candles. Your cake's getting all waxy." Two of the candles had gone out and the rest were dripping wax all over the cake, but Jinhwan doesn't care. Junhwe has an easy smile on his face again, and in his eyes is something like love. Jinhwan isn't sure if it's Bobby-love or the Hanbin-love in the weeks leading up to their failed relationship, but his heart doesn't care. His stomach tightens, his throat sticks up again, and the tears well up and start spilling out before Jinhwan can stop them. 

Fuck, this is embarrassing.

In a matter of seconds Jinhwan is bawling like a baby, hiding his head in his hands. Bobby and Hanbin howl with laughter, the other guests chuckle nervously, and Junhwe rubs Jinhwan's shoulders. "Hey c'mon what'd I say?" Jinhwan hears Hanbin yell at Bobby for blowing out the candles, then he feels Junhwe pull away. They're cutting the cake now, and someone (Donghyuk, maybe?) asks Hanbin if Jinhwan will be all right because he's kind of wailing? Jinhwan doesn't hear Hanbin's answer, but he's sure it's cheeky and assholey and Jinhwan will have to beat him up for it later. Then he hears the TV from the other room, then the legs of a chair scraping along the kitchen floor. Someone pulls him into a hug, and Jinhwan knows immediately that it's Junhwe. Bobby knows this isn't serious and Hanbin has the empathy of a noodle.

Junhwe is humming. It's the song he'd performed that Jinhwan had danced to, and it, coupled with Junhwe's gentle rocking, has a calming effect. Jinhwan's violent sobs peter out to shuddering gasps until they finally dwindle down to nothing. Now that Jinhwan has stopped crying, he realizes what an awkward and uncomfortable position he's ended up in—never mind the fact that he doesn't dare remove his hands from his face because they're covered in tears and snot and spit. He's real smooth, he is. He pulls away from Junhwe. "Do you have any tissues?" he asks through his fingers. Junhwe holds out a box, and Jinhwan snatches it from him and turns away. Can't have Junhwe see him like this. He cleans himself up, takes a deep breath, and faces Junhwe. He seems more concerned than revolted, which Jinhwan counts as a win. 

"Are you okay?" Junhwe asks finally. "You're not mad I did this?"  
"Yeah! I mean, yeah, I'm okay, but no I'm not mad."  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah, I'm sure. It's just... It's been a long time since anyone's done anything this nice for me."  
Junhwe’s eyebrows shoot up in disbelief. "You're telling me Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung don't do nice things for you?"  
Jinhwan waves a dismissive hand. "Of course they do, but me and them, it's just—it's different." He sighs and rubs his eyes. "What I mean is—I guess—I guess what I mean is that it's been a long time since someone other than them cared enough about me to do something this nice."  
Junhwe is looking at Jinhwan with a strange expression on his face. Pity? Doubt? Sadness? Jinhwan isn't sure.  
"Well, I care about you a lot," Junhwe says firmly. "And so do all those other people out there. Maybe not as much as me—or Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung—but there _are_ people who care about you."  
"I know," Jinhwan mumbles. He twists his hands in his lap. He doesn't really believe that, but he can't exactly tell Junhwe that by some accident of life he only has three friends in the whole wide world.  
"C'mon," Junhwe says, hopping to his feet. He takes Jinhwan's hand and pulls him up. "Eat some cake, play some Smash, have some fun."

They walk into the living room to a chorus of cheers, and Jinhwan feels embarrassed all over again. But the feeling fades quickly as he's shoved into a spot in the middle of the couch between Hanbin and Bobby and handed a slice of cake. Junhwe sits on the floor quite far from him, actually, by his friends Song Yunhyeong and Kim Donghyuk, and Jinhwan feels a twinge of jealousy. But this is stupid, it's just a crush, and Jinhwan chides himself for letting his emotions get the better of him for the second time in thirty minutes. He focuses on eating his cake to distract himself, and it works; it's quite a delicious cake, despite all the wax.

The night is a good one. One of the best nights Jinhwan's had in years, to be honest. He is content to spend all of his time with his three accidents, his family, and his studies, but he had forgotten how good it can feel to be with a group of other people for once. It's probably not something he could handle very often, but it's something he starts to think he should do more. Everyone leaves by around one in the morning, and Jinhwan, Hanbin, Bobby, and Junhwe clean up. It's almost two-thirty when Junhwe heads for the door, and Jinhwan finds that he doesn't want Junhwe to go. Junhwe is standing there, hand on the doorknob, his shoes already on when Jinhwan finds the courage to grab Junhwe's free hand and blurt out, "It's super late and it's a really long walk so you should just stay here tonight." Junhwe looks surprised, tries to turn Jinhwan down, telling him Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung probably wouldn't like it, but Jinhwan insists that they won't care. Junhwe then cracks a relieved smile. "Oh god man thanks. I gotta be honest—I was _not_ looking forward to the trek home."

Hanbin is already passed out in his room, so Jinhwan intercepts Bobby as he's walking out of the bathroom. "I need your two big blankets and your extra mattress pads and your other mattress." Bobby sleeps like a king on an enormous bed with two mattresses and about fifty mattress pads. Sometimes if they’re playing video games or watching movies, Jinhwan, Bobby, and Hanbin will bring Bobby's extra mattress into the living room to lounge and sleep on together. All three of them can fit comfortably on it, after all. But it would be awkward for Junhwe to sleep with Jinhwan and Bobby in Bobby's bed, and Jinhwan would feel bad making Junhwe sleep on the couch by himself, so he decides to commandeer Bobby's extra mattress.

Bobby grumbles but he's too tired to argue, so he, Jinhwan, and Junhwe drag the extra mattress into the living room, throw some of Bobby's mattress pads on it, cover it with Bobby's giant comforters, and then toss on all the extra pillows and blankets they can find. Once they've finished, Bobby grunts ("Can I sleep now?"), Jinhwan nods, and Bobby grunts again ("Thank god. Goodnight.") before disappearing into his room. Jinhwan goes to the bathroom to change into his pajamas and then buries himself in the blankets. Junhwe hovers beside the mattress for a moment before kicking off his jeans and socks and lying down next to Jinhwan. Jinhwan tries very hard to ignore the fact that Junhwe is beside him, half-naked, in designer underwear, but he is not very successful. _Just be calm,_ he tells himself. _You're a grown ass man. You can handle this._ They stay up for another hour talking (by some miracle Jinhwan is able to stay calm) until they both finally drift off to sleep.

Jinhwan wakes up to Bobby's stage whispers. No, he's probably just dreaming. After all, he's so warm and comfortable here; how could Bobby be ruining such peace in real life when he should know better? But then Jinhwan hears the shutter of a camera, his eyes snap open, and he gets an eyeful of Junhwe's shirt. Suddenly he's hyperaware of the fact that by some accident of life his face had ended up squashed into Junhwe's armpit and that he's actually _clinging_ to Junhwe, dear god. He wants to panic, but this is nice somehow, even Junhwe's armpit area is nice, except Jinhwan has no idea how they'd ended up in this position and Bobby is _taking pictures_ and attempting to whisper about how _cute they look_ and all that is just too much for Jinhwan. He disentangles himself from Junhwe and sits up, looking around for Bobby. 

Jinhwan finds him sitting on the couch with Hanbin. Bobby is clutching a big pillow to himself ( _My god,_ Jinhwan thinks, _he's probably naked_ ) and wearing a stupid shit-eating grin that Jinhwan is ready to punch off his face. Hanbin is folded up next to Bobby, still just in his underwear, with a dreamy sort of expression. Both of them have one of Bobby's comforters draped around their shoulders. Even though Jinhwan and Bobby had moved the couch against the wall last night to accommodate the enormous mattress, it really isn't all that far from where Jinhwan is. So when Bobby snaps another picture, Jinhwan takes a swipe at him. "If _any_ of this shit ends up online, Bobby, I swear to fucking _god_ I will _cut off your balls_ and—” Bobby grimaces and throws his hands up in defeat. "And for the love of god, would you please go put on some clothes? You too Hanbin." At this the two of them start protesting, and now it seems that they've finally started making enough noise to rouse Junhwe.

He groans and turns to peer blearily in Jinhwan's direction from the crook of his elbow. "Hyung?" he croaks. Jinhwan stops bickering with Hanbin and Bobby and looks at Junhwe with a tender expression. "Shhh," he soothes, threading his fingers through Junhwe's hair. "Go back to sleep." Junhwe doesn't need to be told twice; he buries his face in his pillow and is asleep again in a matter of seconds. Jinhwan lets his hand linger in Junhwe's hair for a moment (god, it's just so soft and thick), then twists back around to face Hanbin and Bobby. Bobby is attempting to stifle his laughter, but Hanbin is now wearing a clouded expression. Danger. Jinhwan rubs his eyes. "Seriously, go get dressed. I'm gonna try to sleep some more." He gets back under the blankets and pulls them up and over his head before Hanbin and Bobby can say anything. Jinhwan can't deal with Hanbin right now, not with Junhwe still here and with Bobby sitting there naked. It's difficult to do anything important when Bobby is naked. 

When Jinhwan wakes up again, Hanbin and Bobby are gone and Junhwe is lying beside him playing on his phone. Jinhwan gets him some food, they get the living room back in order, and Jinhwan takes Junhwe home even though Junhwe tells him he doesn't have to. Jinhwan just shrugs and says that he wants to. It's a fifteen-minute bus ride to the science library and from there a five-minute walk to Junhwe's apartment complex. Most of the bus ride they spend in silence, eyes closed, knees and shoulders knocking with the swaying of the bus. Jinhwan feels comfortable, he feels content, and he thinks it might be time to give this stupid crush proper attention. Especially after his embarrassing episode last night because Jinhwan has no desire to repeat such an experience. Besides, if he's going to be able to function like a normal human being any time someone other than Hanbin or Bobby or his family does something nice for him, particularly when that someone happens to make Jinhwan feel complicated feelings, he's got to get all those complicated feelings in order as soon as humanly possible.

Jinhwan walks Junhwe to his door. They stand there for a moment before Jinhwan nudges Junhwe's leg with his foot. "Thanks for yesterday, for real."  
Junhwe just shrugs, but he isn't looking Jinhwan in the eye. "It was nothing." A beat, and then—"Hey wait I got you a present."  
"Junhwe-yah, c'mon, you should've known—"

But Junhwe has already dashed inside. He returns with a plastic bag from a convenience store and hands it to Jinhwan with a sheepish expression.

"It's nothing much, seriously, I just wanted you to have it." Jinhwan takes it and starts to untie the knot to open it, but Junhwe slaps at Jinhwan's hands. "No, hyung, not here! Just wait till you get home."  
Jinhwan looks at Junhwe suspiciously. "Is it something weird?"  
"No, hyung, c'mon, what do you take me for?"  
"An asshole."  
Junhwe snorts. "I mean, you're not wrong, but it's not a weird gift; I'll just _feel_ weird if you open it right in front of me."  
Jinhwan folds his arms across his chest. "Fine. I'll wait."  
"Thanks," Junhwe says with a smile. "Oh and while I have you here, you sure I have to invite Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung to my birthday party?"  
"If you want me to come, yes."  
Junhwe groans dramatically. "Fine, _fine._ I guess I have no choice."  
"No," Jinhwan agrees, smirking, "you really don't."

He tells Junhwe he really has to get back now because he needs to grab a few things from Hanbin and Bobby's place before heading home, and Junhwe knows all about how terrible public transportation is to Jinhwan's house, especially on the weekends. Junhwe says goodbye (maybe even a little reluctantly, Jinhwan thinks), and Jinhwan has just gotten downstairs when he gets a text from Junhwe. _are you sure hanbin hyung won't be mad you gave me his shirt?_ Jinhwan chuckles to himself. _Trust me he won't notice._ On his way to the bus stop Jinhwan passes by the stop for bus 8, and he pauses for moment. Should he go? Nah, better to talk to Hanbin and Bobby first. But not today. He's way behind on his work thanks to that surprise party. He gets his things from Hanbin and Bobby's apartment and then heads home. It takes more than two hours, so it's after dinner by the time he gets there. His mother heats him up some leftovers, and he eats in his room while he opens Junhwe's present. 

It's one of Junhwe's demo CDs—of course it is, that narcissist. Jinhwan had even bought one already as an apology for not seeing Junhwe perform at some cafe once. He cracks the case open, and there's a piece of paper folded up on top of the CD that says "READ ME" in English in capital letters. Jinhwan unfolds it and starts to read.

_Jinanie-hyung ♥  
I know you're probably thinking I'm self-centered as fuck for giving you my CD that you already paid me 3000 won for but hear me out. First of all, I finally got my shit together and recorded that song I sang at PPN. Second of all, I wrote you a song that I put on here too. It's a Goo Junhwe original, hyung, heard by no one's ears except yours (and mine of course). I know, I'm so great, no need to thank me kekeke. I really hope you like it. Tell me what you think cause I'm not sure if I should include it in my set or not.............._

_Anyway hyung happy birthday you old fart ♥ I love you ♥  
June_

By the time Jinhwan finishes reading, his stomach is in knots and his chest is all tight. Junhwe wrote him a damn song? This cannot be real. An accident of life. Jinhwan quashes the hopes in his heart; there has to be some other reason. Junhwe just isn't sure if it's good or not and is using this as a sly method to get a second opinion. Yes, that's it. He'd even written something to that effect. Jinhwan swallows hard and sets the note down on his desk. He rips the CD to his computer, syncs it with his phone, and curls up in bed with his earbuds stuffed in his ears so that he'll be the only one to hear Junhwe's voice. He listens to the song Junhwe had performed all those months ago at Pride Performance Night first. He squeezes his eyes shut tighter and takes a slow, shuddering breath. It still slams into Jinhwan’s heart like a sack of bricks. The next song is the song Junhwe had written for Jinhwan, and Jinhwan isn't sure he's ready. He knows he isn't ready when the track starts out with Junhwe's saying "Happy birthday, hyung!" followed by an embarrassed laugh. And then Junhwe begins to sing...

 _You would seem so frail in the cold of the night_  
_When the armies of emotion go out to fight_  
_But while the earth sinks to its grave_  
_You sail to the sky on the crest of a wave_

Jinhwan buries his face in his pillow, tears rolling slowly down his cheeks. This is really more than his poor heart can take in just forty-eight hours; he's barely recovered from the surprise party. He listens to the song again, and then once more, and he texts Junhwe. _New song's great ^^ you should def perform it._ Junhwe texts him a couple of smirking emoji back, and Jinhwan listens to the song one more time before pulling out his earbuds and putting his phone on his nightstand. Yeah, he definitely needs to sort out his feelings. But not now. This is just too much right now. He rolls over and yanks his blanket over his head. Time for sleep...

Several weeks pass, and it's nearly the day of Junhwe's birthday party. Jinhwan had wanted to talk to Hanbin and Bobby about Junhwe earlier than this, but his life had just gotten in the way. Tests, papers, hours and hours of studying... He still sees Hanbin and Bobby all the time, sure, but they're just as busy so the three of them don't have much time to devote to Jinhwan's love life. But Jinhwan had just turned his last paper in a few days ago (until midterms roll around anyway), and Hanbin's and Bobby's academic commitments seem to have dwindled as well, so Jinhwan thinks now is as good a time as any to bring up Junhwe. They're all in Bobby's room on his bed. Hanbin is lying on his stomach watching something on his computer, Jinhwan is curled up beside him with his head resting on the small of Hanbin's back, and Bobby is stretched out on Hanbin's other side playing with his phone. They're quiet, and Jinhwan almost doesn't want to break the silence, but Junhwe suddenly texts him ( _hyung yunhyeong hyung said he wouldn’t bring me free scones anymore should I beat him up_ ). The timing. Another accident of life? Jinhwan sure thinks so.

"So you guys probably already know this, but I have a huge crush on Junhwe." Neither Hanbin nor Bobby says anything, so Jinhwan continues. "I'm gonna ask him out at his birthday party unless I can't get him alone."  
Jinhwan feels Bobby kick Hanbin. "And you were worried he was sleeping around without telling us."  
Jinhwan shoots up and smacks Hanbin's butt as hard as he can. "You _what?_ " he shrieks while Hanbin howls with pain.  
"What the fuck was that for?" whimpers Hanbin as he clutches his butt.  
"I think you mean, 'What the fuck was that for, _hyung,_ ’" Jinhwan snarls. "And you know damn well what it was for!"  
Bobby comes between them. "All right, all right, calm down. To be honest, hyung, me and Hanbin kinda thought you and Junhwe might already be sleeping together."  
"What gave you that idea?"  
"Several things," Bobby says.  
"One," interjects Hanbin, holding up a finger, "you text him more than me. Two, you hang out with him almost as much as us. Three, he threw you a party—"  
"Four, he wrote you a song—“  
"—four, he wrote you a song," Hanbin repeats with a nod. "And five—”  
"Shhh go back to sleep!" he and Bobby finish in sing-song voices before exploding with laughter.  
If looks could kill, Jinhwan is pretty sure he would be guilty of a double murder right now. "Oh fuck off, both of you," he grumbles. Well, at least now he knows why Hanbin had been in a mood that morning; he'd just been testy because he'd thought Jinhwan had been keeping something from him. Jinhwan sighs. "What do you guys think though? Seriously," he adds, glaring at them. "Honestly."  
"Seriously and honestly I think it's great and you should totally go for it," Bobby says, and he does seem sincere. He kicks Jinhwan's knee. "You know if I thought it would be bad that I'd just tell you, man."  
"He's a brat," Hanbin says, and Jinhwan's face falls. "But he's less of a brat and more like an actual human being around you. I think you're good for him. Plus he helps you loosen up, so I think he's good for you too. Seriously and honestly."  
Jinhwan smiles. "Thanks guys." 

He feels a little touched, but the moment is ruined (somewhat) when Hanbin and Bobby share a glance and then fling their arms around him, screaming that he's too cute and showering him with exaggerated kisses. They're disgusting sometimes, but Jinhwan loves them. Not that this stops him from attempting to shove them off because, seriously and honestly, this is just ridiculous. He manages to wriggle free eventually, and the rest of the evening is as normal as Jinhwan would expect. But late that night, when the three of them finally turn in and Bobby collapses onto the bed next to Jinhwan, Jinhwan kicks him. 

"You really think this is a good idea?" he asks in a small voice. Bobby rolls onto his back, scooting closer, and throws an arm over Jinhwan's chest.  
"You don't?" he mumbles. Jinhwan's arms curl instinctively around Bobby's. Bobby will do this whenever Jinhwan gets anxious; it's comforting, somehow.  
"I guess I don't really know," Jinhwan admits.  
Bobby yawns. "Just go for it. Even if it doesn't work out, you still got me and Hanbin. But honestly, hyung, the guy wrote you a fucking song, and like, if that ain't love, then I dunno what _is,_ man."  
Jinhwan holds on tighter to Bobby's arm. He does make a good point. "Right, you're right, I'm just being stupid."  
Bobby snorts. "Like that's anything new."  
"Oh shut up," Jinhwan grumbles.  
"Just one thing," Bobby says, yawning again, "don't ask him out at his party."  
"Why not?"  
Bobby covers his eyes with his other arm and sighs. "He'll be drunk as fuck, for one. I also don't think you'll be able to get him alone."  
"Why not?" Jinhwan demands, but Bobby doesn't respond, his breathing slow and regular... That asshole had fallen asleep before Jinhwan could interrogate him any further.

Jinhwan doesn't give much thought to Bobby's suggestion until the car ride to Donghyuk's house. He'd dismissed it; he had figured he could just pull Junhwe aside early in the party or later on when there's less alcohol and people will have sobered up a bit. But when Hanbin has to park halfway down the street because there are so many cars crammed into Donghyuk's driveway and Jinhwan can hear the music pumping from the house as soon as he opens the car door, he starts to feel less confident. Jinhwan wonders aloud why so many people are here already if it's only just after ten and the party doesn't start till eleven, and Hanbin shrugs. "Maybe this is just how straight people pregame." Bobby makes a face. "That doesn't even make sense." Hanbin retorts that he wouldn't fucking know because he isn't fucking straight, Bobby argues that the fucking point of pregaming is to not fucking do it at the fucking party, and before they can get at each other's throats, Jinhwan clamps his hand over Hanbin's mouth. "Let's just go."

Jinhwan lets Hanbin put an arm around his shoulders while Bobby lopes beside them, hands shoved in his pockets. Hanbin pounds on the door, and it's answered by someone Jinhwan doesn't know. His heart sinks; he can see tons of people inside already, and the party is just so loud. Hanbin's arm drops from Jinhwan's shoulders when they walk inside, and Jinhwan wishes it hadn't; he would have appreciated the security. Bobby is immediately accosted by a group of girls, who drag him off to play beer pong with them, and Hanbin sniffs disapprovingly before catching sight of the Pride Club president. "Uh, scuse me, hyung, I, uh—sorry—bye—" and before Jinhwan can say anything, Hanbin is gone. Jinhwan stands awkwardly in the foyer, looking for someone—anyone—that he knows. He shuffles further inside when no one comes to his rescue and is just about to panic when he hears a familiar voice.

"Jinhwanie-hyung!"

Oh thank god. He turns in the direction of the voice to see Donghyuk jogging toward him. "Kim Donghyuk," Jinhwan breathes out, relieved. "Hanbin and Bobby abandoned me. Where's Junhwe?" Donghyuk isn't sure, but he thinks Junhwe might be outside. "Want to go look for him?" Jinhwan would like nothing better than to look for Junhwe. Donghyuk leads him through the living room, dining room, and kitchen to the courtyard, weaving through the crowds of people. Jinhwan is amazed; he hadn't known Junhwe to be so popular or Donghyuk to be so rich. There are more people in the courtyard, laughing by the bar, and Donghyuk strolls up to them to ask them if they've seen Junhwe. He's in the hot tub, apparently. Jinhwan doesn't know whether to be more unnerved by the fact that Donghyuk has a god damn hot tub or that Junhwe will be wet and practically naked. He doesn't have too much time to ponder this dilemma, however, because Donghyuk speeds across the courtyard and through a door to the indoor pool area. Not only does Donghyuk have a pool and a hot tub, but an _indoor_ pool and hot tub in a room with a wall made up of floor-to-ceiling windows and an enormous skylight positioned right over the pool. Jinhwan stares open-mouthed at the ceiling, dumbstruck for several long moments, before Donghyuk's voice shakes him out of his stupor. "Look, he's over there in the hot tub."

Sure enough, Junhwe is lounging in the hot tub with a couple of girls. There's one other guy Jinhwan doesn't recognize, but he doesn't care because all he sees is Junhwe's arm around one girl's shoulder; Junhwe's leaning into another girl's space to whisper something in her ear; Junhwe's being handed a drink by another girl to try. Jinhwan has half a mind to tell Donghyuk to forget about it and show him back to the kitchen so he can get a glass of water, but Donghyuk has already shouted "Goo Junhwe!" across the room. Junhwe looks around, and when he sees Donghyuk and Jinhwan, he grins. He hands his beer to a girl and clambers out of the hot tub, jogging toward them. They meet in the middle of the room, and Jinhwan's mouth goes dry at the sight of Junhwe's wet, bare chest. Junhwe runs a hand through his hair (Jinhwan chokes) and grins again. "I'd hug you, but I'm all wet." Donghyuk dashes off to get Junhwe a towel, and after he comes back with one, a group of people calls him over. He looks at Jinhwan uncertainly. "Well, if you're okay, hyung?" Jinhwan dismisses Donghyuk with a wave, and Donghyuk leaves.

Jinhwan watches him go to distract himself from Junhwe's toweling himself dry until he feels Junhwe grab his arm to pull him into a one-armed hug. The towel is around Junhwe's waist now, getting wetter by the second from his bathing suit, and his upper body is warm but still damp. Jinhwan can smell the chlorine. Junhwe lets him go and bends down a little to peer at Jinhwan's face and ask if Jinhwan is all right. "I know there are a lot of people, and the number's only gonna get bigger." Jinhwan doesn't know what to say. "I didn't know you knew so many people." Junhwe shrugs and says he doesn't know most of them because there are a lot of friends of friends, acquaintances, acquaintances of friends, acquaintances of acquaintances, you get the picture, hyung. Junhwe runs a hand through his hair again. "Donghyuk lets me use his house so it doesn't matter." Jinhwan just nods. "Right." His voice is flat. He doesn't know why he’d thought he could have gotten Junhwe alone at any point in the night. "You sure you're all right?" Jinhwan forces a smile. "Yes, I'm fine, go back in the pool. I'm gonna go find Bobby."

Junhwe squints at him and then pinches Jinhwan's cheek. Jinhwan swats his hand away, and Junhwe laughs and tells him to loosen up before he walks back to the hot tub. Jinhwan exhales slowly; it's going to be a long night. He wanders back through Donghyuk's house until he finds Bobby, already drunk, playing flip cup in the dining room. Bobby's team had just won as Jinhwan approaches, and Bobby grabs him and yanks him close. "Play with me and the straighties on the straight team! Team straighties!" Jinhwan shakes his head—he won't drink—but Bobby insists that he'll drink Jinhwan's beer and Jinhwan can just flip the cup. The gay team protests (some of them know Jinhwan), saying if anything, Jinhwan should be on their team. Jinhwan doesn't really care either way, but the gay team isn't as interested in drinking his beer for him, so Jinhwan stays with Bobby.

They play a few games, which the straighties win too few of considering they have a sober teammate, until Hanbin materializes beside Jinhwan. He's holding a glass of wine in one hand and a cup of water in the other, and he looks upset. Jinhwan leaves Bobby to his game and follows Hanbin to a quieter area of the house where they sit on a little couch in a corner. The Pride Club president, it seems, already has a boyfriend. Frankly, after the meeting at the hot tub, Jinhwan had been expecting his own blubbering tonight, not blubbering from Hanbin. But talking Hanbin down keeps him occupied for an hour and change until they hear Yunhyeong shouting about cake. "You okay?" Jinhwan asks Hanbin as they head toward the kitchen. "You wanna split early?" But Hanbin shakes his head because no, hyung, he's okay, he just needs another glass of wine and a distraction. Jinhwan punches Hanbin's shoulder. "You already had three drinks, Kim Hanbin. No more. You're driving me and Bobby home." Hanbin sulks, but he doesn't complain, so Jinhwan links their arms together in an attempt to be placating.

They squeeze into the kitchen with all of the other guests. Jinhwan can't even see Junhwe. He sighs, leans against Hanbin, and closes his eyes. He'll give Hanbin and Bobby another hour; Hanbin should be fine by then, and Bobby should have gotten all his energy out. Then they can go home and Jinhwan can mope in peace. As he's imagining all the griping he's going to do at Bobby when they get home, the real Bobby's voice draws him out of his daydreaming. "Hyung, Jinhwanie-hyung, hyung-ah, my hyung, hyungnim, my main man, my brother where you at though!" The last bit comes out in slurred English, and Jinhwan opens his eyes. People are moving aside as Bobby crashes through the crowd toward Jinhwan, and before Jinhwan can even process what's happening, Bobby has pulled Jinhwan from Hanbin and is dragging him across the kitchen. "Found him!" Bobby screams, and he shoves Jinhwan next to Junhwe.

Junhwe is smiling, his face flushed red from alcohol, his hair sticking up in every direction from having gotten wet. Jinhwan looks up at him, frowning a little, and Junhwe stoops down to whisper in Jinhwan's ear. His hand is on the small of Jinhwan's back, and Jinhwan tries to ignore the weight of it, but he can't. He swallows. "I was almost afraid you'd left," Junhwe says in a low voice. "I want you to be the first to try my cake." Jinhwan had been so focused on Junhwe that he hadn't even noticed the cake, which is surprising because not only is the cake enormous, but Donghyuk is actually sitting on the table lighting all of the candles. "Kim Donghyuk," Jinhwan says sternly, and Donghyuk immediately scrambles off the top of the table. Jinhwan takes a step closer to get a better look at the cake. It's a huge rectangle, beautifully decorated with the word "Felicitations" written in English and in cursive toward the top and "Happy Birthday Junhwe" in hangul in the center. The many candles are arranged in intricate swirls in the upper corners of the cake, and there are two roses in the other corners that seem so lifelike Jinhwan is almost afraid that they aren't made of icing. 

"Okay, but what the fuck is this cake?"  
Everyone laughs.  
"My mom's cousin's sister-in-law is a pastry chef," Junhwe says as if this explains everything.  
"Just blow out the fucking candles already so we can eat it!" someone shouts. Everyone laughs again.

Bobby starts to sing happy birthday, everyone joins in, and then Junhwe bends down to blow out the candles. Everyone claps and whoops, and as Junhwe starts to rise again, a pair of hands comes out of nowhere and shoves his face into the cake. The room explodes with laughter and shouting, and Jinhwan's eyes get huge. There's no way Junhwe had wanted that. Junhwe straightens up slowly, deliberately, and wipes the frosting and cake off of his eyes and spits some of it out. He's smiling, but it's a dangerous smile, and Jinhwan touches his arm. Junhwe ignores him, instead turning toward the woman who had pushed him into the cake. She's gorgeous, and to Jinhwan’s surprise, he recognizes her; she'd been in the pool with Junhwe, right next to him, and she'd watched his interactions with Jinhwan like a hawk. And now that Jinhwan thinks about it, she'd been next to Junhwe until Donghyuk had gotten off the table to light the candles, and as soon as he'd finished, she'd pushed him out of the way to stand next to Junhwe again. She's smiling a beautiful smile as she leans toward Junhwe on the tips of her toes and then licks some of the icing off his face. The guests go wild. Jinhwan looks away.

Junhwe, however, jerks back. It's not violent enough for everyone else to think that Junhwe had been repulsed by this girl, but it's enough for Jinhwan to suspect that, on top of everything, getting cake licked off his face is not what Junhwe had wanted out of his birthday-cake-eating experience at all. Junhwe laughs, though, and tells everyone to start eating without him while he cleans up. "I know you all want to eat the part my face fucked up." All the guests laugh at that, and Junhwe turns on his heel and leaves. He pulls Jinhwan away with him, and Jinhwan has no idea why until Junhwe locks them in a hallway bathroom in another wing of the house and snaps, "Why the fuck did she think that was okay?" So he wants to complain. Jinhwan is all ears. He hops onto the counter and hands Junhwe a towel. Then he wets his lips and asks as nonchalantly as he can, "So who is she? New girlfriend?" Junhwe scoffs.

"Fuck no."

She is, however, an ex-girlfriend of Junhwe's named Mirae. They had dated for two years in high school but had broken up because she was the craziest girl he'd ever met, hyung, my god. "And you should have heard her shitting on gay people all the time, man, fuck. Literally the first thing I did after we broke up was find some dudes to make out with and sent her pictures." Junhwe pats his face dry and glares at the towel before going on. Mirae hasn't spoken to him in over a year, but she'd started messaging him a few weeks ago. Junhwe had then heard from Yunhyeong who heard from his sister who heard from her friend that Mirae wants to get back with him. Junhwe swears loudly and throws his towel in the sink. "And she's just been following me around all night. It's so fucking stupid. I don't get it." Jinhwan says nothing; he just looks at Junhwe, who still has frosting and bits of cake in his hair. 

"Wring out the wet towel and give it to me," Jinhwan says after a moment. Junhwe does as he's told. "All right, c'mere, there's still some in your hair."  
Junhwe takes a few steps toward Jinhwan and lowers his head. Jinhwan gets to work. It's now or never, he thinks. "How drunk are you?"  
Junhwe hums. "Not very. Not enough to not remember anything tomorrow or feel sick, but enough to know that I couldn't graciously deal with Mirae and her shit, and yet not enough to know I couldn't deal with her to her face." He pauses. "And yet enough to be confused by whatever the fuck I just said."  
Jinhwan snorts as he sets the wet towel down and runs a clean dry one through Junhwe's hair. "There," he says. Junhwe looks up. Their faces are only inches apart. Jinhwan swallows. "So, um... I like you a lot."

So it isn't the most elegant or romantic confession ever. Admittedly, Jinhwan hasn't had a lot of practice. Just another accident of life. He isn't inexperienced, per se, but all of his relationships have more or less been accidents of life themselves. He licks his lips nervously. "Junhwe-yah?" Junhwe has frozen, it seems. He isn't even blinking. Jinhwan pinches him. "Junhwe-yah," he repeats. Junhwe opens his mouth, shuts it, and then his face scrunches up. Jinhwan tries again: "So do you wanna, like... date... or something?" Not very elegant. Again. At this, however, Junhwe stands up straight and clears his throat. And then, as if he doesn't know what else to do, Junhwe starts to sing in a low voice. "So forget this cruel world where I belong; I'll just sit and wait and sing my song." A smile spreads over Jinhwan's face because it's his song, the one Junhwe had written for him, and he takes Junhwe's hand and pulls him closer as he joins in for the last line: _And if one day you should see me in the crowd, lend a hand and lift me to your place in the clouds._

Before Jinhwan's brain can process what's happening, he's pulled Junhwe down (just a bit since they're nearly the same size now that Jinhwan's sitting on the counter, thank you very much), and, god, he's thought about this so much for the past few months that he almost wants to slap himself when his brain finally catches up with the rest of him and he pulls back. Junhwe makes an irritated noise. "Hyung," he whines, "it was just getting good." He leans in again, but Jinhwan stops Junhwe's lips with two of his fingers. "You've still got a party going on." Junhwe dismisses him, says to forget them, but Jinhwan pushes him away and slides off the counter. "Maybe if this were some other party, but this is your party, and you should go spend time with the people who bothered to show up." Junhwe continues to complain, but Jinhwan just slips his hand into Junhwe's and tugs him out of the bathroom. Jinhwan can hear shouts coming from the kitchen; it seems like everyone's still there. Junhwe sighs and comments mildly that socializing with all of them just feels like a chore now. He gazes down at Jinhwan with something like love in his eyes, and this time Jinhwan knows exactly the kind of love that it is. He smiles and squeezes Junhwe's hand. All of his anxieties are slipping away, even as they grow closer and closer to the horde of drunken party guests, and Jinhwan has never before been happier to fall victim to an accident of life.


	2. Stumbling Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **part 02 stumbling back**
> 
>   
> _The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run._  
>  \- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

It's been almost a year now since Junhwe and Jinhwan had started dating, and Jinhwan is soaring. All the love that Junhwe pours into Jinhwan has lifted Jinhwan's spirits to insurmountable heights. Jinhwan hadn't realized before Junhwe that his life had plateaued; he certainly hadn't been unhappy, but he sees now that he had settled. After his life had spiraled out of his control several years ago, he had latched onto the few things that he could control and considered himself moved on. Everything all right. His emotional wounds healed. They had healed, in a way—the same way that a Band-Aid provides some relief—but Jinhwan hadn't completely moved on because he knows now that he had forgotten what it feels like to really, truly love life. This isn't to say that Bobby and Hanbin or Jinhwan’s family hadn't made him happy or weren't enough for him, rather that they have always been a constant presence in his life; Junhwe, however, revitalizes Jinhwan in a way that his family, Hanbin, and Bobby couldn't. And this newfound passion for life has helped him overcome (at least a little) one of his greatest personal struggles: His social anxiety. He’s become able to hang out with Junhwe's friends (sometimes even without Junhwe), he'll go drinking with Bobby and his friends (no drinks for Jinhwan, though), and he'll stay up with Hanbin for his all-night dance practices (not as a team member, but he'll help with blocking sometimes). If his life hadn't veered off in a completely different direction some years ago, Jinhwan is sure that this is what his time at university would have been like from the start. But either way, he's ended up exactly where he wants to be.

Except for one little snag...

It's been niggling in the back of his mind ever since he and Junhwe had started dating, but he can't bring himself to talk about it. Sometimes he thinks he should just do it, just spill the beans and be done with it, but then he sees Junhwe smiling at him and he loses his courage because he's terrified that Junhwe might leave him, no matter how stupid that sounds to Bobby when Jinhwan confesses his concerns. But finally something happens that forces Jinhwan to reconsider: Junhwe drops the L word. Jinhwan is honestly surprised; Junhwe isn't particularly sentimental, but he can get pretty vulnerable—especially when it's just the two of them—and one night Junhwe just lays his heart bare and Jinhwan isn't sure what to do. They're in bed, and Junhwe's face is buried in Jinhwan's neck, his arms wrapped tight around Jinhwan’s middle. Jinhwan's fingers are tracing patterns on Junhwe's hands absently, and he feels good, when without warning—"I love you, I think I love you, I do." Junhwe is mumbling into Jinhwan's neck. Jinhwan's fingers stop moving for a moment, and then he flicks Junhwe's hand. 

"What?"  
"I said I love you," Junhwe says a little louder, though his voice is still muffled. "I think."  
Jinhwan snorts. "You think?"  
"I mean, I do."  
"Right," Jinhwan says, rolling his eyes.  
"Hyung," comes the whine, "I really mean it!"  
"I know, I know.”  
“Like I can't think of a time I felt like this. I mean it. I think I'm in love with you.”  
“I know,” Jinhwan says again when Junhwe continues muttering. “For once I just thought I'd tease you." Jinhwan pats Junhwe's hands. "I love you too."

Junhwe pulls Jinhwan even closer, holds him even tighter, and Jinhwan wonders if Junhwe really means what he says. Well, he’s probably serious. He wouldn't have said something so sentimental if he weren't. Jinhwan shuts his eyes and sighs. Does _he_ love Junhwe? He might. After a while Jinhwan feels Junhwe's grip loosen, and he figures that Junhwe had fallen asleep. He grabs his phone and texts Bobby. _Junhwe said he loves me. I said I love him._ The message is read immediately, and Bobby sends a pointed response: _Do u?_ Jinhwan squeezes his eyes shut again. Does he love Junhwe? _Yes and that's why I feel like I'm doing him wrong. Like I'm lying._ Bobby's reply is again instantaneous: _Talk to Jangmi-noona._ Maybe Jinhwan should. Yes, Jangmi will know what to do. He carefully extricates himself from Junhwe's grasp, scrawls a hasty note ( _Bobby emergency xo Jinan_ ), and leaves Junhwe's apartment. Halfway down the stairs he's on the phone with Hanbin, demanding a ride to their apartment, and he can feel his mood plummeting. Shit. This doesn't bode well.

When Hanbin picks Jinhwan up, he asks tentatively if Jinhwan and Junhwe are fighting. "No," Jinhwan spits. It comes out so biting that even Jinhwan is surprised by its sharpness. He’s too upset; he needs to calm down. Hanbin focuses his attention back on the road, obviously hurt, and Jinhwan does feel a little bad. He knows he'd told Hanbin and Bobby that he'd be at Junhwe's this weekend, and Jinhwan is sure he must look distressed, so Hanbin had simply been trying to feel out the situation; it isn't his fault Jinhwan just isn't in the mood to be civil. Hanbin hasn't even put the car in park when Jinhwan scrambles out and walks as fast as he can to the apartment. He ignores Bobby, who starts to rise from the couch to greet him, and heads straight for Bobby's room. He throws his bag on the floor and hides in Bobby's bed. He's got to pull himself together; he's close to losing it. A few seconds later he hears Hanbin slam the front door and say angrily that he doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with Jinhwan but if he wants to be fucking pissy then that's his fucking problem. Jinhwan makes a mental note to apologize to Hanbin later.

After several minutes Bobby comes into the room. "Hyung," he says, "what's wrong?" His voice is soft and low and comforting, but Jinhwan just needs to collect himself. Talking to Jangmi means reopening a lot of old wounds, and Jinhwan had gotten used to fewer anxieties. The prospect of facing them again is terrifying, and Jinhwan’s reaction is two parts fear, one part raw anger. Certainly not the healthiest response and Jinhwan knows it. Bobby climbs onto his bed but doesn't come close to Jinhwan, and Jinhwan isn't sure if he'd rather Bobby stay away or come give him a hug. "If you're feeling this bad about it, you should talk to Jangmi-noona sooner rather than later." This is true. Jangmi will scold him for sure if he forces himself to remain in distress when she can help him. Call him immature, but Jinhwan just doesn't want to give up the stability he thinks he's found—though at this point he'll admit that it's not all that stable if he's living with the constant fear that everything will come crashing down around him. He yanks the blanket over his head and tries to hold back tears. This is ridiculous. Jinhwan deserves better than this. "I can go with you if you want. Me and Hanbin both if you want." Bobby's voice floats over to Jinhwan as if from a dream. Would it be easier if Bobby were there? No, Jinhwan thinks it would be harder. But he says nothing. Bobby sighs. "Okay, I'll just leave you alone then since that's what you seem to want." He leaves.

Jinhwan wants to scream.

But eventually he falls asleep, and when he wakes up again, Bobby is gone. Jinhwan checks the time on his phone and is surprised by the fact that it's already mid-afternoon. No wonder Bobby is gone—he has work. How could Jinhwan have slept for almost an entire day? He rubs his eyes and sighs. He still feels drained. He looks at the time again, almost wishing he'd just read it wrong, but it's still 2:34 PM. Jinhwan is less surprised by the ten text messages from Junhwe (most are crying emoji), and he sends a sleeping emoji for now; he’ll deal with Junhwe properly later. Then he slides out of bed, puts on some clean clothes, and peeks out of Bobby’s bedroom.

Hanbin is lounging on the couch in his underwear and a stained t-shirt, watching an action movie and eating popcorn. Jinhwan leans over the back of the couch. “Hey,” says Hanbin without looking up. “You sleep okay?” His tone is easy, and Jinhwan is relieved; Hanbin is pretty good about letting things go, but he usually needs to talk them out first. Jinhwan ruffles Hanbin’s hair. “Sorry about yesterday. I was having a meltdown.” Hanbin just shrugs and says he talked to Bobby. Well, that explains it. If Jinhwan is emotionally unavailable to be the bridge or the rock, then that task falls to Bobby. Bobby must have talked Hanbin down, and Hanbin must have forgiven Jinhwan because, despite however irritated he had felt, he knows that Jinhwan hadn't meant to be rude. Jinhwan is thankful that he has two people so close to him who understand him so well. He yawns, goes back to Bobby’s room to get his backpack, and drags it out into the living room. Hanbin scrunches up on the couch to make room, and Jinhwan sits, pulling out his notebook and behavioral psychology textbook to get to work on his chapter outline.

It's been about thirty minutes and Jinhwan is just getting into the rhythm of his work when his phone starts ringing. It's Junhwe. Jinhwan sighs and makes to push Hanbin’s legs away (he'd stretched them back out over Jinhwan’s lap, which Jinhwan hadn't minded because he'd used them to prop up his books), but Hanbin refuses to let his legs be moved. “Hanbin-ah,” Jinhwan says, holding up and pointing to his ringing phone. Hanbin ignores him, popping another handful of popcorn into his mouth. Jinhwan assumes this is his punishment for his behavior yesterday: Hanbin won't let him take his call in private. Whatever. He’ll let Hanbin tease him about what he might say; Jinhwan knows that he deserves it. He answers the phone, but before he can say anything, Junhwe is demanding to know where Jinhwan went and why and didn't he know that this was supposed to be their weekend alone together, _finally,_ which was _supposed_ to mean lots of sex, hyung, _lots of it,_ like do you understand what’s wrong with this picture? Junhwe is shouting, of course he is, so Hanbin can hear every word. He's smirking. Why does Junhwe have to make every situation as awkward as it can possibly get? And why does Hanbin have to be around to embarrass Jinhwan even more? Jinhwan wants to kill them both.

“First of all, hello to you too, dear,” Jinhwan says in a tired voice, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Second of all, stop yelling. Do you _know_ the kind of ammunition you're giving Hanbin right now? And third, it's like I said in my note—Bobby emergency.” Several popcorn kernels collide with the side of Jinhwan's face. He smacks Hanbin's knee and glowers at him, but Hanbin raises his eyebrows and mouths, _Bobby emergency?_ Jinhwan waves a dismissive hand and returns his attention to Junhwe, who is still talking.  
"—and where even are you, hyung, like are you at home or out somewhere with Hanbin-hyung and Bobby-hyung or—"  
"I'm at the apartment."  
"Okay," Junhwe says, and Jinhwan can picture Junhwe's face. Scrunched up, lost in thought. Jinhwan smiles to himself, and another handful of popcorn rains down on him. He hits Hanbin again. "Okay," Junhwe repeats. "Okay, would they be mad if I came over?"  
"Probably not," Jinhwan says, surprised by the question. "But I'll ask."

He turns to Hanbin to ask if Junhwe can come over, and Hanbin shrugs. He doesn't care as long as Junhwe brings meat as tribute and the two of them refrain from making up for all the lost sex they were supposed to have had this weekend anywhere near his bed. Jinhwan actually punches him in the stomach at that, but Hanbin still manages to choke out laughs in between wheezes. Jinhwan tells Junhwe that it's fine but to bring meat, they hang up, and Jinhwan goes back to his chapter outline. He gets two seconds of peace before Hanbin sits up, jerking his legs in the process, and Jinhwan's textbook shuts and his notebook goes sliding so that he ends up writing a huge line over the middle of the paper rather than the intended vocabulary term. "Kim Hanbin," he groans, "I'm writing in _pen._ " Hanbin sits up and throws a handful of popcorn kernels at Jinhwan.

"Did I just hear you of all people lie to your boyfriend?"  
Jinhwan pretends not to understand. "What are you talking about?"  
"Bobby didn't have any kind of emergency last night. You just called me and said you wanted to come home so I brought you home."  
"Ah, no, see, _I_ was having an emergency and I _needed_ Bobby, hence 'Bobby emergency,'" Jinhwan explains, matter-of-fact.  
Hanbin remains dubious. "You know that's not how Junhwe interpreted it and you know that's not how you meant for anyone to interpret it _and_ you're the one who's always telling me honesty is the most important thing in a relationship—"  
"Just shut up for a second," Jinhwan snaps. Hanbin shuts up, but he's still squinting at Jinhwan. Judgmentally. Jinhwan does not need this right now. He massages his temples and sighs. "Just... I was having a legit meltdown, but it was about—" Jinhwan's voice falters, and Hanbin, it seems, has finally understood. He covers Jinhwan’s mouth to keep him from saying any more, props up Jinhwan's textbook and notebook on his legs again, and lies back down. Hanbin is nearly as emotionally stunted as Junhwe, so Jinhwan is not surprised that the conversation had stopped there.  
"Tell Junhwe to bring alcohol too," Hanbin says.  
"I will. I'm also going to tell _you_ right now that I'm not cleaning up all this popcorn you've been throwing at me."

Hanbin responds by throwing more popcorn kernels at Jinhwan.

When Junhwe shows up an hour later, Jinhwan has finished his chapter outline and is occupying himself by drawing on Hanbin's legs. Hanbin had put on a new movie, but he's been dozing through most of it. At Junhwe's knocks, however, his eyes snap open and he shouts, "It's unlocked!" Jinhwan hits him because no it isn't, you asshole, and were you even asleep? Hanbin snickers at the jiggling doorknob and Junhwe's muffled calls that the door's actually locked, hyung, let him in. Jinhwan pushes Hanbin's legs off his lap and jogs to the door to open it. Junhwe shuffles inside, and Jinhwan takes the two bags of groceries from him. Junhwe then pulls two bottles of soju, a bottle of wine, and a six-pack of beer from his backpack and brings them to Hanbin, who squeals in delight. "Excellent, good boy, now go cook your hyung some dinner." Junhwe trails after Jinhwan into the kitchen, hands stuffed in his pockets, face inscrutable. Jinhwan deliberately avoids his gaze, taking out the meat and vegetables from the bags and lining them up on the table. "Jinanie-hyung—" Junhwe starts to say, but he is interrupted by Hanbin's yelling from the other room: "Goo Junhwe, bring me a cup!" Jinhwan hands Junhwe a clean cup from the drying rack, and Junhwe brings it to Hanbin. When he comes back, Jinhwan has already marinated the meat and started chopping the peppers. Junhwe sits beside him at the table, grabs the onions, and starts to peel them. The air is tense.

"Sorry for barging in on your whatever time with Hanbin and Bobby," Junhwe says after a while.  
Jinhwan frowns as he tips the peppers into a bowl and begins slicing the garlic. "You're not intruding or something if that's what you mean. You know you're always welcome."  
"Did you leave because of what I said?"  
No warning, no preamble. Typical Junhwe. Jinhwan sets his knife down and faces him. "No, I left because I had to talk to Bobby."  
"About what I said."  
This is going nowhere. Jinhwan racks his brain for a half-truth to tell Junhwe to tide him over until Jinhwan is ready to tell him everything. "No, not about what you said—no, don't look at me like that, I'm being serious. I'm planning a surprise for you, and I had to talk over some details with Bobby." It isn't a lie. In fact, it’s even more than a half-truth. Junhwe is still frowning at him though. "He's _helping_ me," Jinhwan insists.  
After a moment Junhwe relaxes a little and asks, "What kind of surprise?"  
"If I told you that, it wouldn't be a surprise, now, would it?"  
"Oh come on, at least tell me what it's for!"  
"It can't just be because I love you?"

Junhwe gags. The heaviness in the atmosphere is dissipating, and Jinhwan _is_ in love. He smiles at Junhwe, a genuine smile, and stamps on Junhwe’s foot. "Don't look so grossed out when you're the one who said it first." Junhwe sputters at Jinhwan's teasing, gesturing at the onions and starting to blame them for his reaction, when Bobby (when had he even come home?) sticks his head into the kitchen and says, sniggering, "Hope you guys aren't trying to make up for all the sex you didn't have on my pristine granite countertops." Jinhwan brandishes his knife. "I know you aren't trying to embarrass me when I'm the one armed with a dangerous weapon." Bobby retreats immediately to the safety of the living room. With a groan Junhwe says that they're never going to live that down, and Jinhwan tsks at him. "Next time, don't just start yelling at me as soon as I pick up the phone." Junhwe just sniffles and blinks back onion tears.

"Oh, come on, don't cry, they're just joking."  
"It's the onions!" Junhwe wails.

Jinhwan chuckles and grabs the last onion to finish chopping it himself. Once he's finished, he throws all the chopped vegetables into a large bowl, covers it, and puts it in the refrigerator. He checks the meat. It hasn't marinated long enough yet, so he asks Junhwe to check on Bobby and Hanbin while they wait. According to Junhwe they are done with two of the beers, half of a bottle of soju, and a third of the bottle of wine. Jinhwan sends Junhwe back out to liberate the last bottle of soju and the wine, but that mission fails spectacularly; Jinhwan is sure that the entire apartment complex can hear Bobby and Hanbin's screeches of protest. Junhwe returns, white as a sheet, covered in unpopped popcorn kernels. "Please don't make me go back out there, hyung," he whispers. Jinhwan isn't even sorry that he laughs so hard. When he's recovered, he checks the meat again and determines that it has marinated long enough for him to be able to cook it.

He takes out the meat and the vegetables, turns on the gas, pours a bit of oil into a pan, and then dumps the meat in. The sizzling causes raucous cheers to erupt from the living room, and Junhwe hovers behind Jinhwan, breathing deeply. When the meat has browned a little, Jinhwan pours all the vegetables into the pan and cooks them with the meat. When it's nearly ready, he tells Junhwe to heat up four bowls of soup, get four bowls of rice, and set out four plates of kimchi. As Junhwe does as he's told, he mentions that he's never seen two single university-age men with such a well-stocked refrigerator. Jinhwan is a little surprised Junhwe hadn't realized this earlier, but now that he thinks about it, Junhwe is almost never at Hanbin and Bobby's apartment for very long. He shrugs. "I'm over here so much that my mom makes sure we always have the essentials. She'll make stuff for us and make me bring it over." Junhwe says he'll have to invite himself over more often, and Jinhwan laughs.

When Jinhwan finishes cooking, Junhwe brings everything out to the living room, and then he and Jinhwan walk out with the huge pan of meat and vegetables, welcomed by chants of _meat! meat! meat!_ Junhwe sets down the pot coaster, and Jinhwan sets down the pan. Junhwe had ended up beside Bobby, so he starts to move aside in order for Jinhwan to sit there instead, but Bobby grabs Junhwe’s arm and yanks him down. "Don't wanna sit with your big brother, Goo Junhwe?" he yells in English. Junhwe looks helplessly at Jinhwan, who grins and gestures for Junhwe to sit next to Bobby. This should be entertaining. They all sit, Jinhwan is given a glass of water, and Hanbin and Bobby slide one can of beer and a cup each of wine and soju in front of Junhwe, who again looks to Jinhwan for help. Jinhwan, however, is enjoying this too much to rescue Junhwe. He lets Hanbin and Bobby get Junhwe drunk, but he stops them all and reminds them that they have class in the morning when Bobby produces yet another bottle of soju (his third) from the cabinet in the TV stand (of all places). Hanbin has class at nine, even, doesn't he remember? (It doesn't seem like Hanbin remembers at all.) Jinhwan is fighting a losing battle.

By now it's almost ten, and Hanbin and Bobby disappear to get ready for bed, leaving Junhwe and Jinhwan in the living room. Junhwe is lying on the floor, groaning, while Jinhwan sits beside him and rubs his back. "I can't believe you didn't save me." Jinhwan raps his shoulder lightly and tells him it's good for him to drink with his hyungs, but Junhwe retorts that it wasn't so much drinking as it was being force-fed poison. Jinhwan tells him not to be a drama queen, and Junhwe responds by heaving himself up and tackling Jinhwan to the ground with much more precision, strength, and dexterity than someone that drunk should have. Jinhwan is squished, he is uncomfortable, he is about to tell Junhwe to get off of him (there’s an elbow or something digging into his ribs), and then— _wham_ —Hanbin dives on top of Junhwe, knocking the wind out of both Junhwe and Jinhwan. Jinhwan has no idea what Hanbin is doing to Junhwe, but the bulk of their combined weight is concentrated right on the center of his chest. This is not good, this is very bad, this is terrible, Jinhwan is actually suffocating, he can't breathe, the pain is _excruciating_ —

It's Bobby who rescues Jinhwan. Jinhwan is pleasantly surprised; he'd half-expected Bobby to jump on top of Hanbin and ensure Jinhwan's premature demise, but instead Bobby drags Hanbin off of Junhwe and rolls Junhwe off of Jinhwan and pulls Jinhwan up into a sitting position. He helps Jinhwan scoot back against the couch and peers into Jinhwan's face, concerned, while Jinhwan massages his chest and takes deep gulps of air. He had thought he was stronger than this. He tries to say that he's okay, but he can't so he just nods and hopes Bobby understands. Bobby, however, seems to have misinterpreted Jinhwan's message and smacks Hanbin upside the head. "No roughhousing, for fuck's sake, Hanbin, you should fucking know better—" Bobby stops his rant when Jinhwan grabs his arm. "I'm fine." Hanbin is squinting at the two of them, rubbing his head, when comprehension dawns on him. Then the blood drains from his face. "Hyung, I—hyung, I didn't see you—" Jinhwan shakes his head and says again that he's fine. Junhwe crawls toward Jinhwan and grabs his foot. His face says it all: _What's going on?_ Jinhwan rubs his eyes and then gets shakily to his feet.

"C'mon, babe, I'll walk you to the bus stop."

Hanbin still looks crushed, so while Junhwe goes to collect his things, Jinhwan ruffles Hanbin's hair affectionately. Hanbin doesn't look any better, so Jinhwan hugs him, and Hanbin teeters over, pulling Jinhwan down on top of him and holding him there until Junhwe finally says, "Uh, that's _my_ boyfriend." Hanbin's arms slide from Jinhwan's back to flop limply to his sides, and Jinhwan pats Hanbin's cheek. "I'm _fine,_ " he soothes. "Stop _worrying._ " Hanbin remains quiet. Junhwe and Jinhwan walk to the door, and as Jinhwan turns around to close it behind him, he catches Bobby's eye, points to Hanbin, and mouths, _Take care of him._ Bobby salutes him, and Jinhwan shuts the door. He and Junhwe walk in silence to the bus stop. No bus for fifteen minutes. They huddle together for warmth in the chill autumn air.

"Sooo..." Junhwe starts. "Why did Bobby-hyung rip into Hanbin-hyung like that?"  
"Well," Jinhwan yawns, "I _was_ almost crushed to death."  
"I dunno, he got pretty pissed, and then Hanbin-hyung got all depressed..."  
Jinhwan snuggles closer to Junhwe. He should have put on a scarf or a hat or something. "Bobby's drunk, so he got more upset than usual, and Hanbin's drunk, so _he_ got more upset than usual. Don't worry about it."  
Junhwe makes a doubtful noise.  
"Look, I really was in distress. You guys are heavy and I'm small. Bobby just overreacted, and Hanbin got weepy 'cause he's drunk."  
"If you say so..."

"Mm" is Jinhwan's only response as he shuts his eyes and pulls the neck of his hoodie up to cover his mouth and nose. Everything will make sense to Junhwe very soon; Jinhwan has resolved to talk to Jangmi tomorrow. After yesterday, after tonight, he really needs to—not only about what to do about Junhwe, but just to talk. To get things off his chest. As much as he loves Bobby, sometimes it's necessary to talk to someone who isn't your best friend or your brother or some weird combination of both. Jinhwan opens his eyes and sits up straight again when he hears the bus approach, and then he gets quickly to his feet. After a furtive glance in the direction of the bus, he leans down and pecks Junhwe on the cheek. "Text me when you get home. Love you." Junhwe looks away, embarrassed, but there's a ghost of a smile on his face as he takes the few steps toward the open bus doors. Apparently Junhwe can only stomach the L word in intimate moments of great emotional vulnerability. How could Jinhwan have attracted so many people like this? (And by "so many people" he of course means "Junhwe and Hanbin.") He'll chalk it up to another accident of life.

They wave goodbye to each other through the window, and Jinhwan waits for the bus to disappear from his sight before he scurries back to the warmth of the apartment. Bobby and Hanbin had cleaned up while Jinhwan had been out, but he double-checks the kitchen to make sure that everything's been put away in its proper place, and then he checks around the couch to make sure that there are no stray popcorn kernels. Once he's satisfied that the house is in order, he considers his options: Bobby's door is ajar, the light is on, and Jinhwan can hear Bobby's little TV; Hanbin's door is closed, the light is off, and Jinhwan can't hear a thing coming from Hanbin's room. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. He'd better nip this one in the bud.

Hanbin is still awake, as Jinhwan had expected. He's lying on his side on his bed, headphones stuffed in his ears, playing a puzzle game on his phone. Jinhwan clambers onto Hanbin's bed and yanks out one of Hanbin's earbuds. Kendrick Lamar is blasting from the tiny speaker. "You'll go deaf if you listen to music this loud." Hanbin gives no sign that he's listening. "Hey, come on." Jinhwan pats Hanbin's cheek, and Hanbin lifts his head off the pillow so that Jinhwan can take out the other earbud. Then he rolls onto his back to stare up at Jinhwan. His expression is one that Jinhwan hasn't seen in years, and he doesn't like it. "Don't look at me like that." Hanbin lets out an exasperated cry and hides his face in his hands, wailing that he fucked up and he's sorry. Jinhwan pulls one of Hanbin's hands from his face and holds it. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm okay before you finally believe me?" Hanbin gazes at Jinhwan for a long moment. "Just one more time." Jinhwan, loudly and clearly, states that he is fine, and Hanbin takes a deep breath. "Okay." Then he smiles weakly. 

Jinhwan looks carefully at Hanbin's face for any sign that Hanbin is still letting this bother him, but he seems all right. The whole thing probably _had_ been exacerbated by alcohol. Jinhwan pinches Hanbin's nose, says he loves him, and then heads over to Bobby's room. He changes into his pajamas and then climbs over Bobby to get to his spot on the bed. Bobby asks him if Hanbin's okay, and Jinhwan says he thinks so. Satisfied, Bobby turns off the TV and the lights and goes to sleep, though he does roll a little closer to Jinhwan and throw out his arm. His fingers brush against the back of Jinhwan's neck, and Jinhwan reaches up to hold them with one hand while texting Junhwe with the other. He can always count on Bobby to be reassuring. The next morning as he's undressing to shower, Jinhwan examines the huge splotchy bruise purpling on his chest. It looks horrible, though it doesn't hurt too much. Just a dull ache. Every time he breathes. Fuck. Jinhwan runs his fingers over it, chewing his lip. Can't let Hanbin see it; he'd never forgive himself. When Jinhwan sees Bobby later in the kitchen, he tells Bobby quietly that it looks bad and feels bad but doesn't feel as bad as it looks, and Bobby only nods because Hanbin has come in, yawning hugely. It's nine-fifteen. Jinhwan scolds him for missing class because he's a third year already, it's time to grow up a little and take some responsibility, Hanbin, you have your whole life to think of, but Hanbin tells him to mind his own business and disappears back into his room with a bottle of water and some crackers. Jinhwan huffs. Brat.

He goes to campus with Bobby, and they part outside the science building. Jinhwan sits through a double lecture of behavioral psychology and afterward helps Donghyuk with his intro to psych discussion questions. He leaves a little earlier than usual though. "Eh? But hyung, isn't Junhwe coming soon to meet us for lunch?" Jinhwan explains that he just has some things to take care of and Junhwe knows so Donghyuk shouldn't worry. "Don't let him bully you," Jinhwan says to Donghyuk as he goes. He hurries to the number 8 bus stop, making it with a minute to spare. He gets on the bus, puts on his most relaxing music, and tries to keep himself calm for the whole twenty-five-minute bus ride to the hospital. It's a major research hospital affiliated with the university—lots of brilliant minds and cutting edge treatments and novel ideas. Jinhwan gets off in front of the pediatrics wing and walks ten minutes across a courtyard to a smaller building. Once inside, he heads straight for the nurse at the counter. He doesn't recognize her, and he hopes she won't give him too much trouble.

"Hi," he says, putting on his most pleasant smile. "Can you check if Lee Jangmi is in her office?"  
The nurse frowns suspiciously at him. "Do you have an appointment, sir?"  
"No, but Jangmi-noona always leaves her lunches open for patients."  
At this, the nurse's face changes. "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. Can you give me your name so I can double-check our records?"  
"Kim Jinhwan."

The receptionist types away at her computer, muttering to herself. Then she smiles at him, picks up the phone, and calls Jangmi to tell her that Kim Jinhwan is here to see her. "She says to go right on up." Jinhwan takes the elevator to the eighth floor and his feet bring him automatically to Jangmi's office. He hasn't been to see her in months, but everything about her office is the same: Same books, same ugly couch, same big squishy armchair in front of the same desk still covered with stacks and stacks of case files. Sitting behind the desk eating a salad is Jangmi. She shoots Jinhwan a toothy grin as he settles himself in the armchair, and to Jinhwan's great surprise, he doesn't start bawling on the spot. Instead, he offers her a calm hello, which Jangmi returns.

"It's been a long time since I've seen my favorite patient!"  
"You say that to every patient."  
"That I haven't seen them in a long time?"  
"That they're your favorite."  
Jangmi laughs. "You're all my favorites; it's true." A pregnant pause. "So what brings you here today after so long? My sister tells me you're still in remission and all your tests look good, and your mom called me a couple weeks ago and told me you're doing well. Better than well, actually—she said she hasn't seen you this good in a long time."  
Jinhwan twists his hands nervously in his lap. "Well, it's not about that, actually. I, um, I wanted to tell you I have a boyfriend..." he starts to say before he stops. He must sound so stupid.  
"Excellent," Jangmi says through a mouthful of lettuce.  
Jinhwan narrows his eyes. "You don't sound surprised at all."  
"You're a good kid, Jinhwan," she says with a shrug. "Why should I be surprised someone else figured that out too?"  
Jinhwan points an accusatory finger at her. "You already knew! I bet Hanbin told you."  
Jangmi snorts and takes a sip of tea. "Not in so many words. He made vague references to some asshole coming between you guys a couple times starting, maybe, a year and a half ago? Then a few months ago he started coming in feeling lonely. Not hard to put two and two together."  
Jinhwan pouts. "What else did he tell you?"  
"You know I can't tell you that. You tell me what you think I should know."

So Jinhwan tells her everything. About how he and Junhwe met, about his mortifying breakdown at his surprise party, about Junhwe's song, about his lame confession at Junhwe's birthday party; he tells her about how good he's felt, how full of life he's felt, how many friends he's made and how nice it feels to be around them; and he tells her that Junhwe had said he loves Jinhwan, that Jinhwan himself loves Junhwe, and that he feels like he's lying to the person he loves because he hasn't said anything about his illness. Jangmi finishes her salad and tea while he talks, and she's washing her mug when he stops talking. She brings him a cup of water, puts on her glasses, and then sits, leaning back in her chair and considering Jinhwan with a thoughtful expression.

"So he has no idea you had leukemia?"  
Jinhwan shakes his head.  
"And you think that if you tell him now, almost a year into your relationship, he'll think you lied to him and leave you?"  
Jinhwan nods.  
"And you want my advice on what to do about it?"  
Jinhwan nods again. "Hmm..." Jangmi takes off her glasses, tapping her chin with them, deep in thought. "So he doesn't know why you quit dancing?"  
"I mean, he knows I used to dance and that I quit, but yeah, not why, I guess."  
"Then why don't you use that as a segue? I guarantee you he's curious about why you stopped, especially if he doesn't know how good you were. You can start with that. Ease him into it."

Jinhwan considers the suggestion. He could tell Junhwe about his ballet career, and then explain that the reason he had had to quit had been cancer. Because it's true—Junhwe _is_ curious about why Jinhwan had stopped dancing. Jinhwan is tightlipped about everything that had gone on in his life before university because, well, first, he doesn't like to dwell on his illness or its treatment, and second, he doesn't like to think about what his life had been like before cancer because it depresses him to think about what could have been. So Junhwe had learned early on in their friendship that Jinhwan doesn't share much, which doesn't bother Junhwe too terribly (at least, Jinhwan thinks it doesn't)—except where dance is concerned. He'd spent the first few weeks of their friendship attempting to get Jinhwan to divulge why he'd quit, but Jinhwan wouldn't budge. Jinhwan has even heard from Donghyuk that sometimes Junhwe complains about it when he's drunk. Finally telling Junhwe... That would be sure to make him happy. It would fit Jinhwan’s mostly-truth-lie about planning a surprise too.

"That could work," Jinhwan says finally. Jangmi beams. "But how do I like... How do I explain the cancer to him? I can't just be like, 'Hey babe so I was the best junior classical ballet dancer in Korea except then I had to quit because I found out I have acute lymphoblastic leukemia! Anyway please continue to love me!'"  
He glares at Jangmi, who tilts her head and frowns slightly. "Well, my dear, _I_ can't be the one to tell you what to say to _your_ significant other. My suggestion is simply one way that you can broach the subject with him. I don't have to tell you how delicate of a subject cancer is, but easing into it can help reduce the shock. As for explaining the disease to him, you know I have tons of pamphlets. You're also welcome to bring him to me at any time. My five PM Wednesday is still your slot, you know."  
"Your suggestion is pamphlets?" Jinhwan asks in a flat voice.  
"My suggestion is leaving the explaining to someone else if you're uncomfortable doing it yourself."

Jinhwan can't think of a retort to that. He and his mother had read everything after his diagnosis—pamphlets, books, sites, blogs. It had helped them because they need to understand a problem to be able to deal with it. His father, on the other hand, had preferred interrogating Jinhwan's nurses and doctors, and his sister had done a little bit of both. Bobby had looked to the future, and Hanbin had internalized his feelings. How will Junhwe react? Well, one thing Jinhwan is sure of is that he doesn't want Jangmi to be his middleman. He's an adult and he's overcome his leukemia, so he feels that he should be the one to break the news. It'll be more personal than handing Junhwe over to his social worker at any rate. Dance is a good idea too—it's about time Jinhwan faced it anyway. His post-cancer avoidance of what used to be the focus of his entire life is what had caused him to completely lose it at Junhwe's performance all those months ago in the first place. His relationship has helped him become a better functioning human being in a lot of ways; dealing with his past will be just another tick on the list. Jinhwan sighs and says that he'll take some pamphlets and he'll break the news through dance. "You always told me I never really dealt with it in a healthy way anyway." Jangmi smiles. "Good. Now, are you going to show me pictures and tell me more about this mystery man or are you going to keep leaving everything to my imagination?"

Jinhwan eagerly pulls out his phone and opens up an album ("me and stupid"). Jinhwan hadn't realized how many pictures he has of the two of them—and just of Junhwe, really. Sometimes Junhwe will steal his phone and take weird selfies. He flicks through most of them ("What a cutie," Jangmi comments, and Jinhwan beams), chatting animatedly about the things that they get up to. He and Jangmi also talk about Jinhwan's family, Hanbin and Bobby, and Jinhwan's classes, and Jangmi promises to talk to her contacts to see if she can find him some internship opportunities for next summer. Jinhwan leaves when a nurse calls Jangmi to remind her of a meeting. She gives him a bear hug before he goes (Jinhwan is glad she can't see him grimace at the pain in his chest), telling him not to be a stranger and to bring Junhwe around sometime if he feels comfortable doing so. Jinhwan promises to think about it. She walks him to the front of the building, hugs him again, and hurries back inside for her meeting. Jinhwan stands outside, watching her go, and then he turns on his heel and heads back to campus.

He feels reenergized. Talking with Jangmi always makes Jinhwan feel better, and now he thinks that he can do this. He'll find a day that his parents are out, invite Junhwe over, and show him some old pictures and videos. Then Jinhwan can break the news about the leukemia. It'll be okay—Jinhwan is confident now that he has a plan. He texts Bobby everything that he and Jangmi had talked about, and Bobby sends him about fifty thumbs up emoji. Jinhwan responds to texts from Donghyuk and Hanbin, and then he calls Junhwe and tells him that they're going out to dinner tonight. Junhwe asks if this is the surprise Jinhwan had been planning, and Jinhwan says Junhwe will know what the surprise is when it happens. Jinhwan can hear Junhwe's pout through the phone, and he laughs. "Soon, babe." Junhwe only complains.

Jinhwan chooses the coming Saturday to invite Junhwe over. His parents are going to visit his aunt in the morning, and those visits usually last most of the day so Jinhwan is sure that he can explain everything to Junhwe before they come back home. It's not that he doesn't want Junhwe and his parents to see each other; it's just that the whole process would be easier without them. His mother wouldn't let them move past ballet (nothing had made her prouder), and his father would constantly interrupt any attempts at explaining the leukemia (he wouldn’t understand why Jinhwan would want to revisit the past). Besides, just as Jinhwan doesn't want Jangmi to be the one to tell Junhwe about his illness, Jinhwan doesn't want his parents hovering around him when he's trying to explain it. It should just be him and Junhwe; that's the best way. On Saturday Junhwe arrives just after eleven AM. He seems nervous, almost, and when Jinhwan asks him what's wrong, Junhwe mutters that he's half-expecting this surprise to be some kind of trap. Jinhwan pokes him in the eye for this affront. They go to the living room, Jinhwan tells Junhwe to sit on the couch, and Junhwe does. They stare at each other for a second, and then Junhwe bursts out laughing.

"Oh my god," he says, "are you about to ask me to marry you?"  
Jinhwan kicks him, and Junhwe's laughs turn to moans. "That's what you get, you asshat, because if you couldn't tell, I'm super nervous."  
"Because you're about to propose?" Junhwe asks, rubbing his calf.  
"No, because I'm about to tell you about my dance career."  
Junhwe sits up immediately, intrigued. "Career? It wasn't just for fun?"  
"No," Jinhwan says with a sigh. He walks to a bookshelf and pulls out a photo album, then trots over to the couch and sits beside Junhwe. He opens the album and flips to a page with a picture of himself in mid-jump, silhouetted by stage lights. "This is from an international competition. I won."  
Junhwe snatches the album and holds it up to his face, scrutinizing the picture. "You _what?_ "

So Jinhwan tells him everything, starting from the beginning. He’d started ballet at age four, had his talent recognized by six, quit school to study ballet full-time by ten, and won his first major international competition at thirteen. He'd met Hanbin at his ballet studio (Junhwe is very interested in a picture of a young Hanbin in tights), and their mothers had become friends so the two had still spent time together even after Hanbin had quit ballet for hip hop dance. Jinhwan had met Bobby in the United States his second year at a major international competition, and they too had become fast friends. (There are no pictures of Bobby in tights, to Junhwe's great disappointment.) Jinhwan had studied in New York most of his childhood summers and would see Bobby then as well. (Hanbin had even gone to visit a few times.) At fourteen Jinhwan won the overall title in the junior age division of the largest international ballet competition in the world, and over the next year he learned new classical and contemporary routines, took gold in two Asian competitions, and won second place in his senior division debut on the international circuit. The next year would be his most important competitive season because he'd be in the running for scholarships, and he had every expectation of doing well in other international and regional competitions and getting into top schools around the world.

Jinhwan had been showing Junhwe pictures as he talked, but he stops suddenly, running a finger over a picture of him and Hanbin after one of Jinhwan's recitals. Junhwe elbows him. "And then what? So did you win? Did you get in somewhere good?" Jinhwan drops the album into Junhwe's lap and gets to his feet. His courage is waning, and he hates himself for it. He asks Junhwe if he wants to see Jinhwan's contemporary routine because he thinks he can probably still do it. Junhwe's mouth opens and closes a few times before he says, "Uh, yeah, sure, I guess?" Jinhwan tells him to wait a minute. He pushes the coffee table out of the way, then goes around moving other pieces of furniture to clear a large space in the middle of the living room. Then he and Junhwe drag the couch against the wall.

"I'll be right back."

Jinhwan dashes to his room, changes from his jeans into joggers, and then wonders what to do about his feet. He can’t dance barefoot, but he isn’t sure that he has any good slippers left. He rummages through his closet for a pair that hasn't been completely destroyed, manages to find some, stuffs his feet into them, and grabs his portable speakers. He also considers whether or not he should take off his sweater, but he still has that bruise... It's healing, and now it's an ugly bluish yellow, but he's done a good job of preventing anyone from seeing it (much to Junhwe's libidinal dismay). And honestly, Jinhwan would like to keep it that way. He leaves his sweatshirt on and goes back out into the living room. He plugs his speakers into his phone and glances at Junhwe. Junhwe looks expectant, so Jinhwan tells him not to be too upset if Jinhwan messes up at all, and Junhwe laughs at him. "I have to stretch first—gimme a couple minutes." Jinhwan can feel Junhwe's eyes raking over his body as he stretches, and it makes him feel a little giddy (and a little turned on, but he isn't thinking about that right now). When he feels sufficiently loose and warmed up, Jinhwan shoots Junhwe a wild grin and then starts the track.

He's shaky at first, and for some reason, he's insanely nervous. Jinhwan can't remember feeling this nervous even when he'd performed in the final rounds of international competitions. He doesn't even think he had been this nervous for his first solo piece in a recital when he was six years old. It must be because of Junhwe. But when he misses a beat, by some accident of life he’s looking right at Junhwe. Junhwe’s eyes are wide with awe, his mouth a pretty little “o.” The mistake hadn’t seemed to bother him, and this reaction makes something click within Jinhwan. His talent reawakens from deep inside him, and all at once everything comes rushing back. He moves fluidly, easily, like he'd only taken a short break from ballet rather than the years he'd spent hiding from it. When the song finishes, Jinhwan feels exhilarated, energized, and he turns to Junhwe to gauge his reaction. Junhwe is staring, open-mouthed, and he looks so cute that Jinhwan glides over to him and climbs into his lap. Jinhwan is still breathing hard, his lungs are screaming at him, his heart is thudding against his ribcage, and everything is sore because he's so out of shape and has lost so much muscle mass from years of disuse, but Jinhwan doesn't care. "You were—that was—the song—you—incredible," Junhwe stammers in a low voice, and with a satisfied smile, Jinhwan leans in and kisses him. He slides off of Junhwe's lap, lying back on the couch and pulling Junhwe on top of him, his hands slipping under Junhwe's shirt—

_"What are you doing?"_

No, no, no no no—Jinhwan's parents are standing in the foyer. His mother looks shocked, hands covering her mouth, and Jinhwan's father looks enraged. Junhwe starts to try to scramble off of Jinhwan, but Jinhwan has an iron-grip on him, instinctively attempting to hold him closer—to protect him? Jinhwan has no idea. But before he can process what is happening, his father has crossed the room and grabbed Junhwe around the middle, ripping him from Jinhwan's grasp and throwing him to the floor. He's got fistfuls of Junhwe's shirt and he's yelling and shaking Junhwe and Jinhwan doesn't understand what is happening but he's off the couch and he's jumped on his father. "No!" he's screaming, "Dad no! Stop—" Jinhwan's interference is enough to loosen his father's grip on Junhwe, who wriggles free and throws Jinhwan one terrified glance before he runs through the open front door. Jinhwan's father manages to shake Jinhwan off of his back, and then rounds on him. The look he gives Jinhwan isn't anger or disappointment or confusion—it's revulsion. Jinhwan wants to throw up. He and his father stare at each other for a moment, and then his father storms from the house, slamming the door so hard that it bounces back open. Jinhwan's mother looks between Jinhwan and the open door, and then she hurries out after Jinhwan's father.

Jinhwan stays lying on the floor for what feels like an eternity, but for all he knows it could have been three minutes. Eventually, as if in a daze, Jinhwan gets to his feet and moves through the house. He changes back into his earlier outfit, puts his textbooks and computer into his backpack, packs some of his favorite clothes into a duffel bag, and then he heads back into the living room. Junhwe's backpack and phone are still here, and he hadn't even put his shoes on before he'd run away. Jinhwan gets a plastic bag, puts Junhwe's shoes in them, and puts them in Junhwe's backpack. Then he checks his phone. There are a few messages from Donghyuk about his psychology homework, one from Bobby asking him to bring over some chocolate, and one from Hanbin complaining about the Pride Club president, all from a few hours ago. There are two recent ones from Hanbin ( _My mom called me abt u u ok?_ and _Ur sis just called me askin abt u... hyung wats up?_ ) and a missed call from Bobby, all within the last thirty minutes. Jinhwan opens up his group chat with Hanbin and Bobby and sends a message: _I want to say I'm okay but I'm not. Some shit went down I promise I will tell you everything later. I'm gonna turn off my phone. If my parents or even my sister ask about me tell them you don't know anything. I can't see them right now. Don't try to bother Junhwe about it either. Please just do this for me. I love you both._ Once it's sent, he turns off his phone and puts it in his backpack. He slings his backpack over his shoulders, heaves his duffel bag across his body, and scoops up Junhwe's backpack. Then he leaves, locking the door behind him.

Jinhwan is numb. How could this have happened? The disgust on his father's face... Jinhwan has never felt worse. Maybe the shock of his diagnosis had been worse—no, even that hadn't been as bad as this. What hurts Jinhwan the most is that he's never actually been in the closet. He'd struggled a little with his sexuality, sure, but he'd had a strong support system in his friends and had been able to accept that part of himself with relative ease a decade ago. He'd had boyfriends. His parents had met them. Hell, they'd met Junhwe before! So maybe Jinhwan has never made out with any of his significant others in front of his parents or introduced any of them as his boyfriend or sat his parents down and come out to them outright. In hindsight, based on his father's horrifying reaction, perhaps Jinhwan should have sat them down and come out to them and explained in unmistakable terms that he is gay. Honestly, though, Jinhwan has no idea how his parents could have had no idea. But as he thinks about it, trudging up the stairs to Junhwe's apartment, maybe they had known for nearly as long as Jinhwan had but had been in denial about it. You can't pretend your son doesn't have cancer, but you can pretend he isn't gay.

Jinhwan rings Junhwe's doorbell. Junhwe answers the door in sweats, his hair damp and sticking up in every direction. He must have just showered. Jinhwan had been in control of his emotions on both buses and the subway, but now, seeing Junhwe, everything comes crashing down on him. His lip trembles, and he bites it to try to prevent the inevitable, which of course inevitably happens: Jinhwan starts to cry. Junhwe ushers him inside, taking his own backpack and tossing it in a corner, and then getting Jinhwan's bag and duffel bag and setting them down on the table. He steers Jinhwan to his bed and they both sit. Junhwe has one arm around Jinhwan's shoulders, his fingers trailing up and down Jinhwan's arm, and Jinhwan is holding tight onto Junhwe's other hand, his own free hand half-covering his face. When his sobs subside to hiccups and sniffles, Junhwe's hand stops moving and his arm drops from Jinhwan's shoulders. He sighs.

"You're not out to your family."

Jinhwan can't decide if Junhwe's tone is accusatory or not, so he stops himself from making a snide remark about how Junhwe isn't out to his family either. Instead, Jinhwan takes a deep breath and leans over Junhwe to fish around in the nightstand for a packet of tissues, and he wipes his face and blows his nose. He then proceeds to calmly explain that it's true that he's never been explicit, but he's also never hidden it either. Junhwe just continues to gaze at Jinhwan with a vaguely betrayed sort of expression, so Jinhwan reaches up to caress Junhwe's face. "I love you," Jinhwan says, "I hope you know that." Junhwe leans down and kisses him. "I do," he murmurs against Jinhwan's lips, "I do." Jinhwan lets himself make out with Junhwe, his arms curling around Junhwe's neck, his fingers twisting into Junhwe's hair, until Junhwe's hands start to wander too far. First they go under Jinhwan's shirt, trying to lift it up, and when Jinhwan pushes his hands away, they go lower, fumbling with the button of Jinhwan's jeans. Jinhwan jerks back with a sharp intake of breath. " _No_ —" Junhwe's face falls, and he makes a small disappointed noise before flopping back on the bed and covering his face with his arms. Jinhwan crawls further back on the bed and settles himself beside Junhwe’s head.

"Hey c'mon don't be mad," Jinhwan says, drumming his fists on Junhwe's chest.  
"I'm not _mad,_ " Junhwe says, tucking one arm behind his head and gesturing with the other. "But you haven't wanted to in _ages,_ and—I dunno..."  
He looks up at Jinhwan with an expression of such hurt bewilderment that Jinhwan almost feels guilty. Sure, he'd rejected Junhwe's advances the past several days because of his bruise, but now... His father's look of utter disgust is still too fresh in Jinhwan's mind.  
"I'm just not in the mood right now."  
"Right now, maybe, but like you can't _always_ not be in the mood—"  
"It's only been like a week, Goo Junhwe, jesus."  
Junhwe pokes Jinhwan in the chest, his expression disapproving. "Is something wrong? Is it me? Do I suddenly stink or something or have a weird growth on my ass because I haven't noticed anything—"  
" _No,_ Junhwe, what the fuck? A weird growth?"  
Junhwe looks almost desperate. "Well then what?" Suddenly his eyes widen, the moment of vulnerability hidden away almost as soon as it had appeared, and in mock seriousness he asks, "Oh my fucking god, hyung, are you pregnant?"  
Jinhwan slaps every part of Junhwe he can see. "Fuck you." Partly out of exasperation, partly out of guilt, and partly out of spite, Jinhwan lifts up his shirt. The laughter dies on Junhwe's face.  
"Hyung, wait...” Junhwe frowns, and then comprehension dawns on him. “That's—that's not—me and Hanbin-hyung did that to you?"  
"Yeah, you guys did, and it was way worse before and honestly hurt too much for sex, but I also didn't want you to worry about me so I didn't want you to see."

Junhwe runs a hand over his face and frowns. In the early stages of their relationship when they had first started sleeping together, Junhwe had been disturbed to find out that he had been leaving bruises on Jinhwan's hips, thighs, and arms. This, of course, is an unfortunate side effect of Jinhwan's malfunctioning bone marrow, but the reason he had given Junhwe is that he just bruises easily. An accident of life. Junhwe hadn't been so readily convinced that he wasn't hurting Jinhwan, and though he'd never been rough with Jinhwan to begin with, Jinhwan notices that he becomes even gentler. It's sweet, in a way, and the bruises aren’t too common anymore, but Jinhwan knows that it still freaks Junhwe out because he gets weird whenever he notices any—even those that Jinhwan assures him have nothing to do with sex. Junhwe is looking at Jinhwan now with the same guarded expression he wears when Jinhwan tries to tell him that the bruises are nothing, and he prods Jinhwan's arm. "You could've told me." Jinhwan clucks his tongue and responds that Junhwe would not have taken it well, but Junhwe insists that he's taking it just fine. In retrospect Jinhwan probably should have just told Junhwe, but he hadn’t wanted to make Junhwe worry. Jinhwan hates it when people worry about him; it’s a side-effect of his years of treatment. The two of them look at each other for a moment, and then Junhwe grins. "Sooo… Can we fuck now?" Jinhwan pinches Junhwe's nose. "No, I'm seriously not in the mood. Not after what happened." At this Junhwe's expression darkens. "Ah," he says. "Right. That." The arm that isn't behind his head is scratching his chest, and Jinhwan picks it up, stretches out beside Junhwe, and positions Junhwe's arm around his shoulders. Jinhwan's head is resting on Junhwe's chest, and he can hear the steady thumping of Junhwe's heart. He shuts his eyes.

"How did you manage to get home?"  
"Hm?"  
"You didn't have your phone or your wallet or even your shoes. How'd you get home?"  
"Oh," Junhwe yawns. "I went to the store—well, I ran to the store—and I used the pay phone there to call Donghyuk."  
"You had money for a payphone?"  
"Borrowed some from some granny."  
Jinhwan snorts. "What?"  
"Yeah, she felt bad for me. I actually had some money in my pocket for some reason, but it wasn't enough, so I may or may not have attempted to murder the phone. There was a granny there, she came over to ask me what was wrong, and I told her some story about how I got blackout drunk and left there by my friends, and I shit you not, this granny looked me dead in the eye and told me that she understands exactly what that feels like. She gave me money and some tangerines, hyung, it was fucking awesome."  
Jinhwan laughs. "She sounds awesome."  
"Yeah, and when Donghyuk came, you should have seen this lady's face when he pulled up in his fucking Corvette. I tried to make him pay her back, but she refused, gave Donghyuk the rest of her tangerines, and told us it was great to talk to some good-looking young men and that she wished she were forty years younger. Then she fucking _winked_ at us. The grannies in your neighborhood are next level."  
Jinhwan chuckles at Junhwe's story, snuggling closer. He suddenly feels exhausted. "Can I stay with you for a while?" he asks.  
"Of course, hyung, what the fuck? You don't even have to ask."

Jinhwan smiles at Junhwe's earnestness, and he's grateful. He can't go home, not with things the way they are, and he can't go to Hanbin and Bobby's apartment because his family can find him there. All that they know about Junhwe's apartment is that it's near campus, and there are so many apartment complexes that can be considered near campus that Jinhwan feels safe here. He isn't sure how long he can hide out at Junhwe's apartment, nor is he sure how long he wants to hide out at Junhwe's apartment. What he does know for sure, however, is that he needs to put some distance between himself and his family before he can face them again. All his parents need is time to process what they'd seen. Yes, that's it. It's a terrible accident of life that Jinhwan has ended up essentially homeless, but it isn't something that can't be cured in time. "Sing me a song," he says to Junhwe with a yawn. Junhwe starts to sing "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars, and Jinhwan snorts. Subtle.

Jinhwan still feels uneasy, and there's still the matter of telling Junhwe about his illness, but Jinhwan pushes all of that to the back of his mind. Later. Eventually. One day. He holds tighter onto Junhwe, who pats Jinhwan's arm to the beat of the song, and Jinhwan drifts off to sleep listening to the gentle lull of Junhwe's voice.


	3. Stepping Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **part 03 stepping forward**
> 
>   
> _It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop._  
>  \- Confucius

Jinhwan spends two weeks holed up in Junhwe's apartment. He doesn't leave at all, not even to go to class. Instead, he emails his professors that he is ill (not a total stretch), begs his friends to take notes for him (not that he can decipher Hanbin's chicken scratch), and has Donghyuk buy him food and cleaning supplies (Junhwe's apartment is disgusting and stocked only with cheap junk food). Hanbin and Bobby communicate with him through Junhwe, and Jinhwan does not like what he hears: His parents and sister are following them around, watching them, and his sister had even approached Junhwe when he'd been talking to Bobby. "I hauled ass outta there so fast, hyung, you would not _believe,_ " Junhwe had told him afterward as if he'd survived a war. But what Jinhwan really can't believe is that his family has gone to such lengths, as if he were a disobedient teenager in need of constant supervision. He's never given his parents any reason to mistrust him, and he'd grown so close to them over the course of his illness that he doesn't understand why he is being treated this way now. It’s absurd, really, but if they won't calm down, he won't budge either.

On the second Friday afternoon, he gets a text from Junhwe (sent from Donghyuk’s phone): _it's june♥ how much do you love me?_ Jinhwan sends him some question marks, and a few minutes later he hears Junhwe unlock the door. Jinhwan dashes from the kitchen (like a damn puppy greeting its owner, he thinks, how has this become his life), but as he goes to embrace Junhwe, Bobby and Hanbin pop out from behind him. They're beaming at Jinhwan, and he is stunned only momentarily before he shoves Junhwe out of the way, shrieking, and throws himself at them. He isn't even embarrassed that he cries so hard. Jinhwan hasn't been apart from them for this long since he'd gotten sick; he hadn't realized how much he needs them in order to feel safe and comfortable, how much he'd taken their constancy in his life for granted. Besides, he hasn't had an outlet for all of his pent-up feelings, and seeing Hanbin and Bobby just makes all those feelings rise up and boil over and spill out everywhere. Eventually he manages to choke out "how," and Bobby explains that he got Donghyuk permission to park in the faculty garage near the physics lab, snuck Hanbin and Junhwe into the lab while he was working, and then Donghyuk drove them all here. Jinhwan detaches himself from Hanbin and Bobby (somewhat), rubs his eyes and nose with his hands, and wipes his hands on Hanbin's shirt. Then he peers around Bobby's arm to see Donghyuk standing awkwardly in the doorway. Jinhwan pushes between Hanbin and Bobby to fling his arms around Donghyuk and squeeze the life out of him. "Thank you, thank you, thank you—" His voice catches again and he swallows hard as Donghyuk mumbles that it was no big deal, hyung, seriously, don't worry about it, it was all Junhwe’s idea anyway.

Jinhwan steps away from Donghyuk and looks around. Hanbin and Bobby are still smiling at him, and Junhwe is sitting cross-legged on the couch, pretending to be interested in his phone. Jinhwan walks toward Junhwe, and Junhwe looks up, expectant, his lips parted slightly as if to speak, but Jinhwan goes right past him to the nightstand. He pulls his wallet out of the drawer and takes out ten thousand won. As much as he loves Junhwe, as much as he adores Donghyuk, Jinhwan still hasn't had a chance to tell Hanbin and Bobby the whole story, and he doesn't want to do it with Junhwe or Donghyuk around; he wouldn't be able to be as frank. Well, he wouldn't censor himself in front of Junhwe—that would mostly be because of Donghyuk—but he's pretty sure that Junhwe would get too riled up. He _can_ be a bit of a hothead after all. No, the best thing to do would be to get Junhwe and Donghyuk out of the apartment. Jinhwan sits beside Junhwe on the couch, propped up on his knees to be closer to Junhwe's height, and leans in close to whisper into Junhwe's ear. "I'm gonna tell them what happened, but I don't want Donghyuk to hear. Tell him to take you somewhere or like go get some coffee or something on me—here's some money. I'll call you when we're ready." Junhwe's disappointment is written all over his face, but he takes Jinhwan's money, hops up, and in a few long strides has crossed the room, grabbed Donghyuk's arm, and dragged him outside, yanking the door closed behind them. 

Jinhwan asks Hanbin and Bobby if they want anything to drink, and Hanbin asks for water. When Jinhwan reemerges from the kitchen, he finds Hanbin and Bobby snooping around. Jinhwan had forgotten they’ve never actually been inside Junhwe’s apartment. Hanbin is examining Junhwe's recording equipment, and Bobby is holding Junhwe's guitar. Jinhwan gives them both a disapproving look. "Junhwe would literally murder you for touching his guitar if he were here right now." Bobby strums a couple of chords in response, and Hanbin sits at the table and opens up Junhwe's laptop. Jinhwan walks over to them, sets Hanbin's water down on the table, and with a huff snatches the guitar from Bobby to put it back on its stand. When he turns around again, Bobby is leaning over Hanbin's shoulder, pointing at the computer screen. "Where do you think he hides his porn?" Hanbin had somehow guessed Junhwe's password. Jinhwan closes the laptop and glares at them because seriously, guys, stop messing with his stuff. "How did you even figure out his password?" Hanbin shrugs and takes a sip of his water. "Tried your name just to see if it would work and it did." Bobby quips that the passcode for Junhwe's phone is probably Jinhwan's birthday. (He isn't wrong.) Jinhwan kicks them both and then sits in the free chair while Bobby fights with Hanbin for half of Hanbin's seat.

When the two of them are finally calm and situated on their shared chair, Jinhwan tells them everything. He leaves nothing out, and he is impressed with himself because he manages to stay level-headed as he recounts what had happened. Bobby and Hanbin also listen patiently with no interruptions—at least until Jinhwan tells them about the granny that Junhwe had met. Hanbin swears she's hit on him before, and Bobby is convinced it's the same granny who gave him her number three years ago. Jinhwan thinks they're both full of shit. "All jokes aside, though, hyung, I can't believe your dad did that?" Hanbin is frowning at Jinhwan, his brows knitted together in uncertainty, and Bobby adds that he can't believe Jinhwan's parents are following them around and that Jinhwan's sister basically stalked him for a while. Jinhwan stares at his hands twisting in his lap. He can't quite believe it either. He sighs and rubs his eyes. 

"What do you think I should do about it?" 

Hanbin suggests waiting it out, and Bobby suggests that Jinhwan attempt to reason with his sister. Honestly, Jinhwan isn't a fan of either suggestion. Waiting for the situation to cool down could take weeks, and at this point Jinhwan isn't sure that it will ever blow over completely on its own. Besides, if he doesn't deal with it, it could get worse and his relationship with his family could be damaged irreparably. Talking to his sister could work, but it could also go horribly wrong—Jinhwan doesn't think there would be a middle ground in that situation. Although, if he had to choose a member of his family to reach out to first, it would be his sister; she's always understood him the best anyway. Jinhwan leans back in his chair and looks up at the ceiling. "Junhwe thinks I should just forget about them and move in with him." His friends are stunned by this (Bobby accidentally pushes Hanbin off the chair as he flails around in surprise), but Jinhwan doesn't react at all. He could live with Junhwe in Junhwe's little apartment for the remainder of Junhwe's lease. Find himself a job so that when the lease is up they can move into a one bedroom somewhere. Jinhwan had been thinking about this even before everything had gone up in flames; he can't live at home forever after all. 

"I can't believe you guys are already talking about moving in together," Hanbin says from the floor.  
"I thought you wanted to move out after you were cured," says Bobby, tilting his head.

That, of course, is the other thing: Jinhwan hadn't yet moved out of his parents' house because of the possibility of a relapse. Granted, the possibility is slim—especially now—but Jinhwan had wanted to give it the full five years before feeling confident that he'd been cured. Once Hanbin and Bobby had gotten their own place, he'd told them that he wanted to live with them when his five years were up. At the time it had been the logical next step for Jinhwan, but now that his relationship with Junhwe is as serious as it is, he'd begun giving considerable thought to their living together. Besides, he's been in remission for four years now and Junhwe's lease is up next summer, right around the time Jinhwan hits the five-year mark, so the timing would have been perfect. But right now? In the middle of all this drama? Jinhwan isn't sure it's the smartest move. "I honestly don't even know what the smartest move _would_ be." He holds his head in his hands and sniffles. He’d thought talking to Hanbin and Bobby would clear everything up, but now he just feels even more confused.

"Look, whatever you decide to do, one thing's for sure: You can't hide in Junhwe's apartment forever, hyung," Bobby says matter-of-factly. "Me and Hanbin were talking about this before anyway, but we think you should start coming back to school on Monday."  
Jinhwan gives no sign that he's listening. Hanbin pats Jinhwan's leg. "Junhwe has a show tomorrow night, right? Why don't you start by going with him to that?"  
Jinhwan peeks down at Hanbin from between his fingers. "Are you guys gonna go?"  
"We both have work," Hanbin says.  
"But Donghyuk and Yunhyeong will be there," Bobby says quickly. "And you can finally meet Donghyuk's nerdy neighbor friend."  
"Ah… Junhwe doesn't like him," Jinhwan says with a small smile, and Bobby rolls his eyes.  
"That asshole doesn't like anyone." He squints at Jinhwan. "Except you," he adds as an afterthought, and Jinhwan snorts.

He rises from the table and throws himself onto the bed. "I guess I'll tell Junhwe he can come back." Hanbin joins Jinhwan on the bed, and Bobby stretches himself out on the couch. He puts on some travel show while Hanbin complains because he wants to watch a movie. Jinhwan calls Junhwe, tells him and Donghyuk to pick up pizza on their way back, and the five of them gorge themselves on two pizza pies while watching a James Bond film. When the movie finishes and there isn't a single crumb of pizza left, Hanbin, Bobby, and Donghyuk head home. Jinhwan gets teary-eyed when Bobby scoops him up in a bear hug, and a few tears leak out when Hanbin kisses Jinhwan's cheek and whispers, "I love you, hyung, no matter what." Jinhwan jabs Hanbin's side for being gross, but that doesn't stop him from leaning up to peck Hanbin's cheek in return. He waves goodbye to them from the doorway, and once they've disappeared down the stairs, he shuts the door gently. "You're not gonna walk them to the car?" Junhwe is leaning against the bathroom door frame, holding his shirt. Jinhwan crosses the room to where Junhwe is and wraps his arms around Junhwe's neck. Junhwe is looking down at him, a little confused, his arms curling automatically around Jinhwan's middle. Jinhwan thinks about kissing him, but he doesn't, and instead he drops his arms to Junhwe's waist and rests his head on Junhwe's chest.

"It's just... I feel safe here."

And it's true. There isn't anywhere else in the world where Jinhwan would feel completely safe right now. He isn't afraid of any physical harm, but he does fear his family's judgment. Junhwe's apartment is the only place Jinhwan thinks is safe from that, so he hadn't much desired stepping outside that security—even simply to walk Hanbin, Donghyuk, and Bobby to Donghyuk's car. He takes a step back and unzips his hoodie, smiling up at Junhwe. Junhwe has a weird look on his face—half-embarrassed, half-touched—but he cracks a wide smile as Jinhwan shrugs his jacket off and pulls his shirt over his head. "Anyway, we were getting ready to shower?" Junhwe actually cackles, and then he gathers Jinhwan in his arms and kisses him feverishly, his fingers slipping beneath the waistband of Jinhwan's sweatpants as he backs them into the bathroom.

The next morning Jinhwan is woken up by Junhwe's singing obnoxiously at the top of his lungs. Jinhwan groans and hides his head in his pillow. "Fucking _hell,_ Goo Junhwe, shut the fuck _up._ " Junhwe only sings louder and adds his guitar to the ruckus. Resigned to the fact that Junhwe will be screaming his entire set for the rest of the day, Jinhwan drags himself out of bed, stumbles into the bathroom to take a leak, and then shuffles into the kitchen to brew some coffee. There's already a pot on, and Jinhwan mutters his thanks until he realizes, as he's dumping creamer and sugar into his mug, that Junhwe had probably figured that if he prepared a pot of coffee he'd be forgiven for shouting Jinhwan awake at eight AM on a Saturday morning. Jinhwan takes a sip of his coffee, makes a satisfied noise, and then takes another sip. Warmed from the tips of his fingers to the tips of his toes and feeling slightly more awake than he had ten minutes ago, Jinhwan lumbers out of the kitchen. Junhwe is folded up in a chair at the table and singing the same two lines over and over. His guitar is sitting in his lap, and he's scribbling something on a sheet of paper. When he notices Jinhwan approaching, he smiles a little, but the singing doesn't stop so Jinhwan covers Junhwe's mouth with his free hand.

"Can I at least drink my coffee in peaceful silence?" Jinhwan asks in a tired voice. Junhwe responds by licking Jinhwan's hand. " _Ew_ —fucking—Goo Junhwe what the _fuck_ —"  
Jinhwan is wiping his hand on his pants in disgust, and Junhwe smirks. "Hyung, why are you freaking out when you know my tongue's been—"  
"Okay," Jinhwan says loudly. "Okay, thank you, that's enough. It's too fucking early for this."

He flicks Junhwe's cheek and heads for the couch. He pulls a blanket off the bed and wraps himself up in it, and then he plugs his headphones into his computer to watch a movie. Jinhwan will be damned if he's going to listen to Junhwe all day. He dozes on and off most of the morning until Yunhyeong swings by around lunchtime to drop off notes from Jinhwan's most recent behavioral psych lecture. He also brings two lattes and some scones from work for Jinhwan and Junhwe, but he doesn't stay when Jinhwan tries to convince him to have lunch with them. Yunhyeong looks apologetic as he explains he has to run home to change because he's actually meeting up with someone for lunch in a little while. When Jinhwan asks in confusion who Yunhyeong could possibly be meeting (he always forgets that his friends actually have social lives), Junhwe stops practicing the high note from one of his songs to scoff. "He's trying to get with the girl who's been doing your behavioral psych notes, hyung." Yunhyeong takes a swing at Junhwe, who ducks out of the way, snickering. Jinhwan gapes at Yunhyeong in surprise, and then he grins. "Honestly, I forgot you were straight." Yunhyeong takes a swing at Jinhwan too.

Later in the afternoon Junhwe makes Jinhwan sit through his entire set. Although Jinhwan can't play any instruments (except the piano, and badly at that) or sing very well (though Junhwe insists Jinhwan could be great with a little practice), he is a trained ballet dancer with a finely honed musical sense. It’s easy for Jinhwan to tell when Junhwe is off-key or off-beat, or when it would be better for Junhwe to sing or perform in a different way. And Junhwe, despite being so proud and so self-assured, is as anxious and in as desperate need of validation when it comes to his music as Hanbin is when it comes to anything; Junhwe soaks up Jinhwan's advice like a sponge and glows when Jinhwan compliments him. Eventually Junhwe is satisfied enough to start getting ready, so first he showers, and then Jinhwan follows suit. 

When Jinhwan gets out of the shower, the only progress Junhwe has made is that he's put on underwear. He has three pairs of pants (all black) laid out on his bed, and several more (also black) are in a heap on the floor. There are a number of shirts in a pile next to the pants on the bed, and Junhwe is standing in front of his mirror, a shirt in each hand (both black), holding them up to himself and muttering critically. Jinhwan leaves Junhwe alone while he puts on his underwear and jeans, but when Junhwe is still nearly naked when Jinhwan reemerges from the bathroom, he decides to intervene. "What's stopping you from picking one of these pants?" Junhwe turns and squints at Jinhwan as if he'd forgotten that Jinhwan has been living with him for the past two weeks, and then he says that he can't decide between those three. Jinhwan points to the ripped jeans.

"I like these the best."  
"Do you want me to freeze?"  
"Okay then, how about these?" Jinhwan points to the fake leather pants.  
"My butt kinda looks weird in them."  
Jinhwan points to the last pair, which are plain black jeans. "And what's wrong with these?"  
"They were always kinda tight, and I've gained some weight recently, so I think I'll have a muffin top."  
Jinhwan rolls his eyes. "Just flip a coin then or something."

He puts on his undershirt, a long-sleeved shirt, and a nice grey pullover, and then he goes to the bathroom to blow-dry his hair. When he comes back out, Junhwe is still fussing over his shirt, but he's put on the ripped black jeans. Jinhwan smiles and clambers onto the bed. He sifts through the rejected shirts and pulls out a red flannel one. "How about this? A bit of color for a change." Junhwe makes a noncommittal noise and doesn't move from in front of the mirror, so Jinhwan shrugs and heads back to the bathroom to style his hair. Once he's satisfied with how it looks, he returns to the living room to get his coat. He'd gotten it from Donghyuk who'd gotten it from Hanbin because half of Jinhwan's wardrobe is in Hanbin's closet (a fortunate accident of life). Jinhwan goes through Junhwe's jackets and pulls out a leather one (of course, it's black). He turns around to see Junhwe sitting on the edge of the bed, buttoning up the red flannel shirt. Jinhwan grins, hops onto the bed, and curls his arms around Junhwe's neck, kissing the side of Junhwe's face. "Now I dunno which jacket to wear." Jinhwan picks up the leather jacket from where he'd dropped it beside him and dangles it in front of Junhwe's face. "This one." Junhwe takes it, examining it closely, while Jinhwan scoots back and lies down. He takes Junhwe's cell phone off his nightstand and texts Bobby. _You sure you can't come?_ Bobby doesn't respond (Jinhwan reminds himself that Bobby is working and not ignoring him), so with a yawn Jinhwan leans over the side of the bed to pick up Junhwe's backpack. 

"So do you want me to bring a bag or can I use yours?"  
Junhwe sticks his head out of the bathroom, a confused look on his face. "Wait, what? You're coming, hyung?"  
Jinhwan raises his eyebrows. "I'm sitting here, dressed, even did my hair... You didn't notice?" Junhwe shakes his head, and Jinhwan huffs. "So not observant."  
"I didn't think—man, I'm so happy you're coming," Junhwe says, and he looks it. "You might wanna call Donghyuk and see if he can get his dad's car, though, cause he's gonna have me, you, Yunhyeongie-hyung—"  
"I'm already calling him now."

Donghyuk, who had had to abandon his Corvette for his mother's Audi to make room for Junhwe's equipment and the extra bodies, says he'll ask if he can borrow the mini-SUV. (Jinhwan is again shocked by Donghyuk's wealth.) He also says that he's super glad Jinhwanie-hyung decided to come because he hadn't been looking forward to Junhwe's moping the whole night. Jinhwan laughs a little. "Why would Junhwe be moping the whole night?" Junhwe shouts from the bathroom that he never mopes, and on the phone Donghyuk heaves a sigh and says that Junhwe had been complaining nonstop for the past two weeks about understanding why Jinhwan didn't want to come to his show but still not being happy about it. Jinhwan snorts, and Donghyuk tells him to be ready for him to pick them up in an hour. Jinhwan says he'll make sure Junhwe is ready on time. He hangs up the phone and texts Bobby again: _Bobby-yah~~~ㅜㅜ_ But there's still no response. Jinhwan sighs and starts to play a game on Junhwe's phone.

The bed creaks when Junhwe stretches out on it, and Jinhwan rolls over into Junhwe's space. He hands Junhwe his phone. "If Bobby texts or calls, give it back." Junhwe grunts. Jinhwan watches Junhwe play games for a while before coming to terms with the fact that Bobby isn't going to have a chance to call him any time soon, so he watches TV until they get a text from Donghyuk saying that he's arrived. Jinhwan helps Junhwe load his equipment into the car, and then he clambers into the backseat beside Yunhyeong. There's a boy Jinhwan doesn't recognize in the passenger seat, and Jinhwan assumes he must be Donghyuk's neighbor. "Is no one going to introduce me?" It is Donghyuk's neighbor (another rich kid, apparently), and his name is Jung Chanwoo. He turns around to mutter a hello, and he looks as nervous and uncomfortable as Jinhwan used to feel around new people. Still does, really, so he can sympathize. The only reason this time is any different is because he already knows everyone else. He reaches over to pinch Chanwoo's shoulder. "Don't be so nervous." Chanwoo mumbles something—probably an apology for being nervous—but Jinhwan ignores it and leans back against Junhwe. He closes his eyes; he's been more tired than usual lately.

Jinhwan wakes up when they arrive at the venue. He clears his throat and rubs his eyes; he hadn't meant to fall asleep. He looks at Junhwe who tells him Bobby hasn't called or texted. Disappointing. The five of them unload the car, get Junhwe settled backstage, and then everyone but Jinhwan leaves for the bar. Junhwe is sitting on a couch tuning his guitar, so Jinhwan sits beside him. "When are you on again?" Junhwe says he's fifth and then hands Jinhwan his phone. "Just in case Bobby-hyung calls." Jinhwan stays with Junhwe until sound check, after which he sits between Donghyuk and Yunhyeong at the bar. Donghyuk offers to buy him a soda, but Jinhwan is fine with water, thanks anyway, Donghyuk. It's another hour till the show starts, and Bobby ends up calling Jinhwan while they're waiting. "Sorry I couldn't come, but when a grad assistant asks you to cover his shift, you cover his shift..." Jinhwan recognizes that it's a fair excuse, but he would feel better if Bobby were here. Or Hanbin, he'd take Hanbin. Bobby hangs up when his break is over, and ten minutes later the show starts. Jinhwan doesn't pay much attention to the first few acts—he's too busy texting Hanbin—but he pays close attention to Junhwe's set. He's excellent, as usual, and Jinhwan is proud, but all too soon it's time for Junhwe's last song.

"So some of you might know that I usually rearrange the top song of the month for my final song, but I'm gonna do something a little different today." There's a murmur of excitement running through the crowd.  
Donghyuk taps Jinhwan's shoulder. "Did you know he was gonna change it up?"  
Jinhwan shakes his head.  
"So I, uh, I wrote this song quite a while ago—like a year, maybe?" Junhwe is saying, and Jinhwan's heart stops. No. He couldn't be talking about—"I always meant to perform it, but I just never wanted to because I—I actually wrote it for my—boyfriend." Jinhwan chokes. Donghyuk and Yunhyeong are staring at him, and Chanwoo just looks confused. The crowd is cooing, though. "Yeah, I mean, it's embarrassing to say it out loud, and like, embarrassing to sing because it's—it's what I feel, y'know? But he's been having a rough time lately, and he's here right now, and I just want to him to know how much—how much he means to me."

People in the crowd are looking around for this mysterious boyfriend, and Jinhwan feels hot. He's pretty sure he's redder than a lobster. He'd told Junhwe when Junhwe had first written the song that he should include it in his set, but when Junhwe never did, Jinhwan had started think of it as something private between the two of them—something only they shared. (Of course, Jinhwan had played the song for Hanbin and Bobby, but he doesn't think that should count.) But now suddenly throwing it out there like this? He might think it sweet if he weren't wishing so strongly for the ground to swallow him up; Jinhwan just doesn’t like to be the center of attention. And even though Junhwe hadn’t pointed him out or mentioned him by name, Jinhwan still feels like he sticks out. He takes several gulps of water in an attempt to calm himself down. It doesn't work, but it doesn't fail either. He takes a deep breath and then exhales slowly. It would have been nice if Junhwe had given Jinhwan some warning.

Jinhwan recovers himself enough to tune into the last half of Junhwe's song. He shuts his eyes and swallows hard; it always affects him right to his core. The song finishes to cheers and applause and calls for an encore, and Jinhwan slips off his barstool and scurries backstage to be ready to help Junhwe pack up. Junhwe appears a few minutes later, glowing, and he makes a beeline for Jinhwan when their eyes meet. "How was I, hyung? Did Donghyuk take videos? Did he get me from my best angle? I don't think I nailed the high note, what do you think? I sounded weird in the bridge for "Summertime," didn't I? Was Yunhyeongie-hyung on his phone while I was—" Jinhwan covers Junhwe's mouth to get him to shut up and tells him that he sounded amazing as always, Donghyuk recorded everything, Yunhyeong wasn't on his phone, and you look good from every angle, babe, don't even worry about that. Jinhwan's hand drops to his side, and Junhwe continues to grin crazily at him. Jinhwan wets his lips and frowns. 

"I wish you'd've told me you were gonna do that."  
"Do what?"  
"With the song."  
"Oh." Junhwe tilts his head. "I thought if I told you you'd get cold feet and decide not to come."  
Jinhwan smiles a little. "That's fair."  
"I just, you know..." Junhwe trails off and gives a half-hearted shrug. "You know I suck at this kind of stuff and I wanted you to know that—that I—"  
Jinhwan interrupts him with a brief kiss. "I know," he whispers. "And I appreciate it. The song, the—everything, I appreciate it, I really do."

Because he does. Jinhwan is glad that Junhwe has been so unaffected by what had happened. Or, well, affected in a positive way. He's done a lot over the past two weeks to try to make Jinhwan feel like he matters, like their relationship matters, like there is nothing on this earth that matters more to Junhwe than Jinhwan. And this had just been another one of those things: Junhwe's being his unabashed and unapologetic self, unabashedly and unapologetically letting the world know how he feels. A sign of love. Jinhwan’s family’s reaction had been devastating for Jinhwan and made him feel bad about himself in ways he hasn’t felt in years. He'd been so upset and so caught up in his own feelings that Junhwe's proclamation, in the face of everything, had been just what Jinhwan had needed. He hadn't realized it, but he'd been terrified that Junhwe's love for him had dwindled, but this proves that it hasn't. And now that Jinhwan is over the initial shock of Junhwe’s performance, he feels cleansed. He takes Junhwe's hands in his own and squeezes them. "You're always the one lifting me up to the clouds, you know. Not the other way around." Junhwe looks confused for a moment, but then he grins. Their song. Jinhwan stands on his tiptoes to kiss Junhwe again, and then he steps back and hums. 

"Let's pack up."

They pack up all of Junhwe's equipment and set it off to the side to pick up after the show, and then they head back out toward the bar. Jinhwan walks a bit behind Junhwe because he knows what's coming, and sure enough, as soon as they step out, Junhwe is accosted by a horde of girls (and a lot more gay men than usual, Jinhwan notices with some contempt). Jinhwan slips away in the hullabaloo back to his spot between Donghyuk and Yunhyeong at the bar. Donghyuk hands him Junhwe's phone and says Hanbinie-hyung has been calling for the past ten minutes nonstop. There is also a barrage of text messages (starting with _Hyung r u there I need u_ and _If ur reading this Junhwe fuck off n give the phone to Jinhwan_ and _Srsly Junhwe fuck off_ until finally devolving into variations of _hyungggg, hyuuuuung,_ and _hhhhyung_ with any number of crying emoji and ㅜㅜ faces). Jinhwan reads through the messages with raised eyebrows, wondering what could have upset Hanbin so much, when almost immediately the currently typing graphic appears. _OMG UR BACK_ flashes on the screen, followed by _UNLESS U R JUNHWE????_ Jinhwan quickly types that he isn't Junhwe, and as soon as the message is read Hanbin is calling him. Jinhwan is just about to answer when—

"It's you, isn't it?"  
Jinhwan almost drops the phone in surprise. When he looks up to see who had spoken, he is shocked to see Mirae. Junhwe had told Jinhwan months ago that Mirae had finally stopped stalking him. Jinhwan tries to keep his expression neutral. "I’m sorry?"  
"It's you he was talking about, right? His _boyfriend._ " She spits out the last word as if it were something rotten. Jinhwan looks around, desperate for someone to save him from this conversation, but Donghyuk, Yunhyeong, and Chanwoo are off bothering Junhwe among the crowd of fans; they must have left to give Jinhwan some privacy with Hanbin. Jinhwan looks from them to Mirae to Junhwe's phone and back to Mirae. He decides it would be in his best interest to be honest.  
"I... Yes, he was talking about me."  
Mirae narrows her eyes. "I knew it. I remember you from his party earlier this year."  
"Yes," Jinhwan says pleasantly, "and I remember you."  
"You'd better." Mirae examines her nails (perfectly manicured), then settles her attention back on Jinhwan's face. He can't help but feel like she's searching his soul. "Were you already fucking then?"  
Jinhwan gapes at her. "Excuse me?"  
"You're gross, you know that? Goo Junhwe isn't a _gay._ " She says "gay" the same way she had said "boyfriend," and Jinhwan feels sick to his stomach. Junhwe hadn't been exaggerating; she truly is a horrible person.  
"You're right," Jinhwan says in a surprisingly steady voice, "he's not gay; he's bi. And I'm done with this conversation."

Jinhwan slips off the barstool and heads for the door—he'll call Hanbin outside—but Mirae grabs his arm and jerks him back with such force that Jinhwan actually cries out in pain. She's much stronger than she looks. There's a dangerous glint in her eye, and Jinhwan is honestly terrified. "You stay away from him, you disgusting pervert." Her expression—it’s eerily similar to the one Jinhwan's father had worn only two weeks ago. A look of utter revulsion. Jinhwan's stomach clenches and his breath catches and his heart is pounding wildly in his chest. This is not good. Something of what he’s feeling must have shown on his face because Mirae smiles—a beautiful but malevolent smile—and lets him go. Jinhwan can't even calmly walk out of the bar; instead, he runs, like a kicked puppy, out of the bar and into the parking lot. He's sobbing hysterically now, and he feels like everything is slipping out of his control once again. He tries the door to Donghyuk's car, but it's locked, of course, so Jinhwan sinks to the ground and tries to make himself as small as possible. This is just too much for him to take in such a short period of time.

Truthfully, Jinhwan probably could have dealt with Mirae two weeks ago. He could have brushed her off and laughed about it with Junhwe later. But now? Jinhwan hasn’t felt this much doubt about his sexuality since he’d first started questioning years and years ago. Sure, he’d had his fair share of anxieties and fears in the beginning, but he’d been surrounded by so much love and support that it hadn’t lasted too long or been too debilitating. Hanbin, Bobby, his dance friends, ballet… Those things had been enough. And now, as an adult, it just isn’t something that he thinks about often. He feels safe on campus, and he feels safe around his friends, so maybe, by some accident of life, he’d grown too complacent. Too naïve? Jinhwan isn’t sure. But he’s sure of himself enough, confident in himself enough, that someone like Mirae shouldn’t faze him—and on a regular day, she wouldn’t. But she had looked so much like his father… It’s crushing. He texts Bobby ( _Are you off I need you_ ), and Bobby calls him straight away. He’s here, hyung, he’s here, it’s okay, you’re okay, hyung, just breathe, in and out, that’s it hyung, that’s it…

It doesn't take too long for Jinhwan to regain his composure and tell Bobby what had caused his anxiety attack. When Jinhwan finishes, Bobby very calmly curses Mirae out, and Jinhwan manages to laugh. "Man, Junhwe sure knows how to fuckin' pick 'em." Jinhwan reminds Bobby that Junhwe had picked Jinhwan, too, and Bobby grunts. "Don't get me wrong, hyung, I love you to death, but you're also kinda a loser, so I mean..." Jinhwan laughs again. Bobby always knows how to cheer Jinhwan up. They start talking about Hanbin (Bobby doesn't know anything; Hanbin had only texted to ask about Jinhwan's availability) when Jinhwan hears someone calling his name. It sounds like Donghyuk, and then Jinhwan hears Yunhyeong, too, and suddenly Donghyuk materializes in front of Jinhwan from the other side of the car. "I found him!" he shrieks at the top of his lungs. "Over here, by my car!" Donghyuk drops down in front of Jinhwan, his eyes narrowed in concern as he inspects Jinhwan's face. He comments that Jinhwan's eyes are red, and Jinhwan just nods. In a matter of seconds Yunhyeong comes flying over from between some other cars, skidding to a halt right in front of Jinhwan and nearly knocking Donghyuk to the ground. Chanwoo appears right after and squats on Donghyuk’s other side. Jinhwan looks from Chanwoo to Yunhyeong to Donghyuk and then frowns.

"Where's Junhwe?"  
"Talking to—the girl—you were—talking to," Yunhyeong wheezes, clutching his side.  
"Hanbin-hyung called me, said he heard some weird stuff, talked to Junhwe, Junhwe told us to look for you, and then he went off," explains Donghyuk while Chanwoo nods.

So Hanbin had overheard some of Jinhwan's conversation with Mirae. Jinhwan hadn't known for sure if he'd managed to actually answer the phone when Hanbin had called earlier, but it seems as though he had. Jinhwan says goodbye to Bobby, who asks him no less than three times if Jinhwan is okay to hang up (Jinhwan is too grateful for his help to be annoyed by his overprotectiveness), and then tells Donghyuk to unlock the car for him. "I never actually got to talk to Hanbin. You guys go back inside—the show's not over yet, right? Go have fun. Tell Junhwe I'm okay." His three younger friends are all giving him the same dubious look, so Jinhwan insists that he's fine until Donghyuk finally relents and unlocks his car. Yunhyeong starts to follow Jinhwan inside, saying he'll keep Jinhwanie-hyung company, but Jinhwan nearly decapitates him with the door (an accident, but not necessarily an unfortunate one) so he leaps back out, whimpering. Jinhwan shoos them away until they leave, and then he watches them go. He appreciates their attention, but at the same time, none of them are Bobby or Hanbin. He plugs Junhwe's phone into Donghyuk's car charger, lies down in the backseat, and calls Hanbin.

The big drama has to do with the Pride Club president—of course it does, what else would get Hanbin so worked up? The president and his boyfriend had broken up some months ago (Jinhwan had known about this), he and Hanbin had started seeing each other a few weeks ago (Jinhwan had known about this too), but the president has also been seeing other men behind Hanbin's back. "He tried to tell me we were never exclusive—that we weren't even in a relationship because he doesn't wanna date right now—like what the fuck does that even _mean_ —and—and—like what am I supposed to d-d-do?" Hanbin's voice gets higher and higher until it breaks and he starts to cry. Jinhwan tries to talk Hanbin through it, at first, but Hanbin is too raw right now to be practical or open to advice, so Jinhwan just lets Hanbin vent. He’s just getting to the finer points of the extent to which the president is the fucking worst fucking fucktard to ever fucking fuck with him when the car door opens. It's Junhwe. Jinhwan smiles a little and sits up slightly, giving Junhwe just enough space to slide into the car and sit down, before he settles back with his head in Junhwe's lap. He mouths, "Hanbin, it's bad" to Junhwe, who nods once and gazes vacantly out the window, chin resting in one hand while the other runs through Jinhwan's hair.

Eventually Jinhwan hears the door to the trunk open and Donghyuk telling Yunhyeong to be careful with Junhwe's guitar. There's grunting and the sounds of things being heaved into the trunk, and then Donghyuk says he'll be back later. Jinhwan soon realizes that Donghyuk had been talking to Yunhyeong and Chanwoo rather than Jinhwan and Junhwe because after the trunk door closes, Donghyuk gets into the driver's seat. He looks at Jinhwan and Junhwe through the rearview mirror. "You sure you wanna leave, Junhwe?" Junhwe nods, and Donghyuk drives them back to Junhwe's apartment. Jinhwan doesn't sit up or put on his seatbelt or move at all, really, for most of the ride back home. Only when Junhwe's hand stops massaging Jinhwan's scalp does Jinhwan move, reaching back to pull Junhwe's arm onto his chest. Jinhwan spends the rest of the drive with his arm resting on top of Junhwe's, his fingers running gently over Junhwe's arm. When they get home, Donghyuk helps them carry Junhwe's equipment up the stairs to the apartment, and then he heads back to the bar for the after party. Before he goes he asks Junhwe again if Junhwe is sure he doesn't want to come, and Junhwe nods. Donghyuk says goodbye to Jinhwan, who smiles and waves, and then Donghyuk leaves. 

Once inside, Jinhwan slides his coat off and tosses it on the couch, and then he eases himself onto the bed. Hanbin is still talking, but he's moved on from the Pride Club president; now he's telling Jinhwan all about work and how much he hates the customers. Jinhwan is only half-listening, his eyes closed. He feels the bed dip and hears it creak as Junhwe climbs onto it, so Jinhwan opens his eyes and turns toward Junhwe. Junhwe is in his pajamas now, drinking a beer, and he turns on the TV—at a low volume. How considerate. But Jinhwan is tired, and Hanbin sounds a lot better, so he'll give Hanbin ten more minutes before he hangs up. In the meantime he scoots over to Junhwe and snuggles up against him. He shuts his eyes again and resists the urge to yawn. When Hanbin's ten minutes are up, Jinhwan does yawn—hugely, dramatically—and Hanbin huffs. "Okay, okay, I can take a hint. You've only been grunting at me for like the last hour anyway." They hang up, and Jinhwan has half a mind to go to sleep right here, right now, still in his regular clothes. What does it matter?

"I'm really sorry about Mirae." Junhwe's voice cuts through the comfortable silence like a knife.  
"There's nothing to be sorry about."  
"She said some pretty mean shit to you."  
"Yeah," Jinhwan mumbles, "but I'm over it."  
"Well, I'll have you know she won't be bothering us again. For real this time."  
Jinhwan's eyes crack open and he looks up at Junhwe. "Oh?"  
"I told her I'd call the cops if she ever came near you again, and when she didn't believe me, I showed her Donghyuk's mom's lawyer site. If there's one thing she's consistent about—other than being a total dick of a human being, I mean—it's that she won't have anything mess up her image."  
"I dunno, saying mean shit seems like it might fuck that up."  
"She doesn't say shit she can't get away with," Junhwe says with a yawn. "But like, that's her whole thing with me—she can't stand that she dated someone who also sleeps with dudes. And apparently she only wants to get back together because I'm famous on YouTube."  
Jinhwan snorts. "You literally only have like ten thousand subscribers."  
"Actually I have almost two hundred thousand now," Junhwe says, smooshing his hand into Jinhwan's face. "Someone hasn't been checking my channel."  
"I have to listen to your annoying voice all the time already anyway; why would I choose to listen to it on the internet too?"

Junhwe grumbles and tries to shove Jinhwan away, but Jinhwan latches onto him and pretends to cry until Junhwe relents. He puts on a movie (some weird romance movie in English Jinhwan has never heard of), and it's so boring that Jinhwan is asleep within fifteen minutes. He's out like a log until well into the next day, and most of his time awake is spent studying. He also Skypes Hanbin and Bobby for a while in the evening, and he turns in early. When he wakes up the next morning, Junhwe is gone. There's a note on the nightstand: _with yunhyeong today._ Yunhyeong means discounted sandwiches from the cafe where he works, so Junhwe won't be back for lunch. It's already after eleven anyway. Junhwe hadn't left his phone either, so no texting anyone. Jinhwan lies back down on the bed with a sigh. Another lonely day by himself. Eventually he gets out of bed, eats, showers, and then gets on his computer to work on his paper for behavioral psychology.

Jinhwan manages to churn out two pages before there's a knock at the door. He wonders who it could be: Junhwe doesn't speak to his neighbors; as far as Jinhwan is aware neither of them is expecting any packages; and Jinhwan is quite sure that if it were any of their friends, Junhwe would either be with them and thus there would be no need for knocking or they would have called. (Although Jinhwan isn't using his phone right now, so maybe they wouldn't have called.) Jinhwan peeks out of the peephole, and to his great befuddlement he sees Bobby's distorted face. "Open up, hyung, I know you're staring at me right now." Jinhwan opens the door and Bobby barrels inside. "All right now, don't be mad, hyung—" he's saying, and for a split second Jinhwan is confused (he misses Bobby so much it hurts; he'd never be mad that Bobby had shown up unannounced), but then he understands: His sister follows Bobby into the apartment. Jinhwan freezes, his heart plummets, his lungs stop, he feels sick, he feels weak, he—he stumbles back, tripping over his own feet, flailing wildly as he goes crashing to the floor. Bobby rushes toward Jinhwan and drops to his knees, grabbing Jinhwan's forearm to keep him from scrambling away. 

"Just hear us out, man, just—"

Jinhwan jerks his arm from Bobby's grasp and runs into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He wedges himself between the shower and the toilet, hyperventilating, an anxiety attack threatening to come on in full force. Jinhwan wants desperately for Bobby to hug him and rub his back and let Jinhwan squeeze the life out of his arm and calm Jinhwan down like he always does, but Jinhwan also has zero desire to go back out into the living room and face his sister. This dilemma is only making things worse for him, and try as he might to focus his mind on his breathing or on literally anything other than what’s happening right now, he can't. Bobby bangs on the door, exasperated, and hyung this isn't like you, you're beyond this kind of thing, they just want to talk. "She talked to Junhwe already and he thinks you should hear her out too." At the mention of Junhwe's name, Jinhwan's brain eases up a little. Junhwe talked to her. Junhwe thought it was okay. Junhwe thought Jinhwan should talk to her too. This situation is not as bad as Jinhwan thinks.

The crushing fear begins to subside, and Jinhwan can breathe—deep and slow, in and out. He tries to relax his arms and shoulders, then his back, and slowly but surely Jinhwan starts to feel like he can leave the bathroom. He crawls out from between the toilet and shower, then to the door, and with a great effort heaves himself to his feet. Jinhwan pulls the door open and Bobby is there, his expression a mixture of guilt and worry but at the same time stern. Jinhwan can tell immediately that Bobby isn't going to back down from this. He tears his eyes from Bobby's face and looks over Bobby’s shoulder to see his sister sitting at the table. She's gazing toward the bathroom, her face impassive. Jinhwan starts to feel sick again, but he swallows, shuts his eyes, and starts to breathe. _In, one, two, three, four, five. Out, one, two, three, four, five..._ He gropes for Bobby's arm and finds it, or maybe Bobby gives it to him, but Jinhwan holds onto it, tight, and after a few moments Bobby pulls Jinhwan to him and wraps his other arm around Jinhwan's shoulders. And then finally—finally—Jinhwan feels okay again. He steps back and lets go of Bobby's arm, but then he takes Bobby's hand in his. Bobby's thumb is moving in slow circles on the back of Jinhwan's hand, and Jinhwan takes a deep, steadying breath.

"I'm good."

Bobby guides Jinhwan to the table and pushes him gently into the other chair. Jinhwan's skin prickles, the anxiety creeping back, but he makes a valiant effort to suppress it as he looks at his sister. Her face is still inscrutable, but after a moment her expression softens. She seems sad. She reaches out—perhaps to touch Jinhwan's arm or his knee—but Jinhwan flinches away. Her arm drops as if it were lifeless, and Jinhwan stares at his toes. Finally, she speaks: "Are you okay?" Her tone is one of concern, and Jinhwan looks up at her in surprise. She isn't angry? Bobby pulls his hand from Jinhwan's grip to squeeze Jinhwan's shoulders. "I'm gonna go," he whispers. "Me and Junhwe both talked to her and she just wants to help." Jinhwan nods. He doesn't want Bobby to go, but he's already eaten up more of Bobby's time than Bobby had probably anticipated, and Bobby is a busy fourth year who can't afford to miss class. Jinhwan understands. Bobby hurries from the apartment, waving goodbye to Jinhwan's sister and giving Jinhwan a thumbs up in encouragement. 

Jinhwan continues to stare at the closed front door until his sister asks him again if he's okay. He has half a mind to tell her that he's fine, that he's doing great, that he doesn't need her or his parents or their judgment, and that she can leave right now. But he doesn't. In a shaky voice he tells her that he's not okay. "I can't imagine what you're going through. I don't know what Dad was thinking." Her expression is serious, but her tone is firm and supportive. Jinhwan looks at his hands in his lap and asks her in a small voice if she'd known, and she says that she had, and when he asks her how, she shrugs and said he'd never really hidden it. Well, at least someone in Jinhwan's family had picked up on it. "I always thought you'd tell us when you were ready." And that's the problem. Jinhwan had always been ready, or so he'd thought, but by some accident of life he'd just never said anything about it. He can blame his intense training schedule or his illness or his studies or argue that he doesn't have to justify himself to anyone, and even though all of those things might have something to do with it, maybe Jinhwan had been less ready than he'd thought. Or maybe, deep down, he hadn't wanted to disappoint his family any more than he already had by getting sick and having to let go of the thing upon which everyone had pinned their hopes and dreams. Because if there's one thing Jinhwan absolutely cannot stand, it's feeling like he's let people down or that he can't be depended on.

He must look miserable and pitiful because his sister reaches over to pat his knee. Jinhwan doesn't recoil this time, and she offers him a small smile. Jinhwan rubs his eyes. "So if you don't think I'm disgusting, why've you been following my friends around for the past two weeks?" The story, apparently, is that she had heard from their mother what had happened, and then she had tried to get in contact with Jinhwan to see if he was okay. When she couldn't, she had tried to go through Bobby because she'd always been on friendly terms with him, but of course he'd done everything in his power to avoid her. Until today, that is. Bobby had called her up out of the blue asking to meet, and the two of them had had a long conversation about Jinhwan. "He's really worried about you because you won't leave the apartment." So Bobby is responsible for all this; Jinhwan supposes he shouldn't be too surprised. Bobby had also taken her to meet Junhwe, and Junhwe had judged her intentions to be pure. "He's just as worried, you know." Jinhwan does know; Junhwe is easy to read. Jinhwan sits back in his chair and sighs.

"And you're worried too?"  
"Of course I'm worried!" his sister says, leaning forward. "You aren't going to school, I hear you haven't been seeing your friends, and your dad attacked your boyfriend."  
She's muttering (why _wouldn't_ she be worried, of _course_ she's worried, what kind of a _question_ is that), and Jinhwan picks at his nails. "So how are Mom and Dad?"  
Jinhwan's sister crosses her legs and folds her arms across her chest. "Mom's okay. I think she was more confused by what happened than upset about it. What's really upsetting her is not being able to see her baby."  
"Oh come on," Jinhwan mumbles, embarrassed.  
"What? You're her baby," teases his sister.  
"And Dad?"  
"Dad..." She sucks in a breath. "He's being a little more difficult."  
Jinhwan groans and hides his face in his hands. "Still?"  
"Nani," says Jinhwan's sister as she reaches out and pulls one of his hands from his face. "I'm working on him."

The childhood nickname startles Jinhwan (she hasn't called him that in years), but the familiarity of it is comforting somehow. It's as if she's saying _you're still you and I love you._ Jinhwan sniffles and rubs his eyes with his free hand. He never really remembers it until he sees her, but he misses his sister terribly. She smiles at him, and for the first time in two weeks, Jinhwan feels relaxed. The sound of the door's being unlocked draws Jinhwan's attention from his sister, and he glances at the clock on the nightstand and then back at the door. Junhwe comes in, his greeting dying on his lips when he spots Jinhwan and his sister at the table, and instead he sputters an apology because he hadn't expected her to still be here, sorry, hyung, he'll just head to the library to study. But Jinhwan tells him to come in, stretching his arms out in Junhwe's direction and making grabby hands. Junhwe's eyes flick toward Jinhwan's sister—perhaps in an effort to gauge what her reaction might be if he and Jinhwan were to be affectionate in front of her. But whatever he might be thinking, he strides confidently across the room to embrace Jinhwan, who kisses his cheek. Junhwe pulls back and then kisses Jinhwan on the lips once, twice, three times before Jinhwan pushes him away with a small laugh. Leave it to Junhwe to get carried away.

Jinhwan's eyes dart to his sister, though, because as soon as Junhwe is out of his space (kind of), Jinhwan remembers that she's there. She doesn't look grossed out; in fact, she's gazing at them with a placid expression, and though barely perceptible, Jinhwan can see that the edges of her mouth are turned up in the slightest of smiles. Junhwe looks between them. "Can I, uh, get you a drink?" Jinhwan almost laughs out loud at Junhwe's attempt at proper etiquette, and to what Jinhwan assumes to be Junhwe's great relief, his sister says that she's fine. "Okay, then in that case, I'm gonna go take a shit," Junhwe announces, and Jinhwan smacks him. "Really, Goo Junhwe? You're gonna talk like that in front of my sister?" He tries to hit Junhwe again, but Junhwe dodges and bounces off to the bathroom. Cackling. Jinhwan rolls his eyes and apologizes to his sister for that idiot. She seems more amused than anything, though, which Jinhwan thinks is a plus. "You really care about him, don't you?" Jinhwan chews his lip. He wants to tell her that he's in love, that they're in love with each other, but he's afraid he'll just sound stupid. "Yeah," he says instead in a low voice. "Yeah, I really do." His sister steps on his foot and tells him not to be so embarrassed about how he feels, and then she stands.

"Well," she says, "my main goal was to make sure you're okay, and you're not totally okay but you're not completely falling apart either." Jinhwan snorts. "Mom doesn't follow Hanbin and Bobby around anymore, and she and I are working on getting Dad to stop, so I want you to start going to school. Can you promise me you will?"  
Jinhwan doesn't want to promise her anything, but she's glaring at him, so he nods. "I promise."  
"Good." She grins, satisfied, and the two of them walk to the front door just as Junhwe is getting out of the bathroom. She waves goodbye to Junhwe, who bows (more attempts at being polite that just make Jinhwan giggle), and then hugs Jinhwan. "Oh, one more thing—try to talk to Mom."  
Jinhwan frowns. "I dunno that I'm ready for that, noona..."  
"Just try, Nani. For me?"  
"All right, all right."

She smiles at him and hugs him again, and then she leaves. Well, that had gone better than Jinhwan had expected. Although Jinhwan isn't shocked she had known, he's a little more surprised she'd never said anything to him about it. Not that anything would have changed—she'd probably just have tried to get him to tell her more about his relationships. He is glad to have her support, however, and is relieved that there is someone on his side who is trying to reason with his parents; Jinhwan had been afraid that, if left to their own devices, his parents might never be able to understand this part of Jinhwan's life, and that just won't do. Talking to his mother though... That isn't a conversation Jinhwan wants to have. He loves her dearly, and he's somewhat relieved that his sister seems to think she's coming around, but he’s already had to live through her anguish at his illness and having to quit ballet; he isn't so sure he can deal with her sadness again—unless what his sister says is true and his mother is open to the idea of Jinhwan's sexuality.

Whatever the case, Jinhwan doesn't want to face his mother. Not yet. He'll start going back to school and see how he feels at the end of the week. Perhaps by then he'll feel emboldened enough to reach out to his mother, but if not, he won't rush it. He'd only promised his sister that he'd go back to school, after all; there had been no promises about talking to their mother. Nevertheless, he'll give it its due consideration. Jinhwan does recognize that he should at least try, and his mother is much less obstinate and proud than his father. Well... He'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. But for now he walks over to the couch where Junhwe is sprawled out, messing with his phone. Jinhwan drops down beside Junhwe and starts punching his shoulder. "Cooking or dish duty?" Junhwe says he'll cook, and he crawls from the couch to start making dinner. He's singing one of his songs, but he's changed the lyrics: _I am making ramen right now~ Oh I've never made ramen that tasted any better than this will, oh yeah~ Making ramen for Jinanie-hyung~ Oh I'm cooking right now~ Cause I hate cleaning up~_

Jinhwan laughs to himself at Junhwe's antics (and the fact that the only thing Junhwe is capable of making is ramen), and then snatches up Junhwe's phone from the floor to text Bobby. He doesn't bother prefacing his texts with an "It's me" anymore because Junhwe and Bobby text so infrequently (they only ever ask each other where Jinhwan is) that Bobby knows immediately that it's Jinhwan texting him, and Junhwe knows immediately to pass his phone along to Jinhwan if a text from Bobby arrives. When Jinhwan opens up the chat, however, there is a slew of messages between Bobby and Junhwe about Jinhwan's sister. Jinhwan skims the conversation because he's nosy, but the content lines up with what Bobby and his sister had said. The tone is also unsurprising: Bobby is straightforward and pulls the hyung card, and Junhwe is defensive. Jinhwan scrolls back down to the bottom of the chat and starts to type. _Thanks for bringing my sister over. Tbh I wanna be mad but I'm not. You're a good friend ^^ you know when I need to be beat over the head with reason._ Bobby's reply is swift: _U kno I luv u hyung I was jus worried n txt Hanbin he misses u_

But Jinhwan doesn't text Hanbin because Junhwe has just come out into the living room carrying a steaming bowl of ramen. He has a proud expression on his face, as if he's just made a five-course feast instead of a couple packs of instant ramen, and Jinhwan takes the bowl from him with a smile. Junhwe had thrown in an egg (how fancy of him), so Jinhwan tells him it looks good. Junhwe preens and hops back into the kitchen to get his own bowl. It tastes about as good as ramen can get, but Jinhwan knows that Junhwe's cooking skills are limited to reheating or microwaving so he doesn't complain. Besides, Junhwe has been trying harder lately to cook, and he'd attempted pasta last Wednesday that hadn't been half bad. They eat in companionable silence while some comedy show plays in the background. After they both finish eating and Jinhwan has allowed himself fifteen minutes to digest his food, he gathers up their bowls and goes to the kitchen to clean up. It's a mess, predictably, because Junhwe can’t even boil water with any grace, so Jinhwan scrubs all the counters before moving on to the dishes. He's just started washing the pot when Junhwe sneaks up behind him and envelops Jinhwan in his arms. Jinhwan flicks water and soap suds at Junhwe, but Junhwe still doesn't move.

"So you'll come to school tomorrow?"

Jinhwan sighs. Yes, he'll go to school tomorrow. For better or worse, by some accident of life, Jinhwan is incapable of breaking any promises that he makes, never mind the fact that he has never been able to say no to his sister. A promise to her is like a binding agreement, signed and sealed. Jinhwan may not like it, Jinhwan may scream and fight (internally, at least), but he will go back to school. Finals are fast approaching anyway, and other people's notes and unfocused emails to his professors just don't cut it. Now that he thinks about it, Jinhwan isn't about to let his parents' antiquated thinking screw up his perfect GPA. "Yeah, I'll go." Junhwe kisses the side of Jinhwan's face and goes back out into the living room. Jinhwan licks his lips and looks at the dishes floating in the soapy water. His mother won't be there, his sister will probably be able to distract their father, and he won't be running into Mirae any time soon either—if Junhwe is to be believed, at any rate. 

Yes. Jinhwan thinks he can do this.


	4. Standing Tall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **part 04 standing tall**
> 
>   
> _In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on._  
>  \- Robert Frost

Jinhwan's first week back at school goes well, all things considered. He has his sensory processes class early in the morning on Tuesday, and his professor—a tiny old man with no filter—tells him that he certainly must have been ill because Jinhwan looks thinner, paler, and somehow even smaller than he had before. Jinhwan doesn't know what to say to that so he thanks his professor, who squints at him. "You're not contagious, are you?" Jinhwan just laughs. Hanbin had been in charge of taking notes for this class, so he comes stumbling in as it starts. Ah… Jinhwan had forgotten to tell Hanbin not to come. Hanbin soon spots Jinhwan, but instead of getting irritated, he actually screams and jumps on Jinhwan, blubbering. Later that day Jinhwan stops by Yunhyeong’s cafe for a visit, and Yunhyeong fawns over Jinhwan and gives him a free coffee. Donghyuk tears up a little when Jinhwan shows up to their usual lunch spot and helps him with his intro to psych homework. "Two weeks isn't really even that long, but I missed you a lot, hyung. You really help me out so much." Jinhwan looks away, embarrassed, but he's touched; it's easy for him to forget that he has more than just three friends—that there are people who miss him when he's not around. 

He even goes to Hanbin's all night dance practice on Wednesday, and he’s happy to see that Hanbin’s little team has expanded to include Chanwoo now too. It had just been Hanbin and Bobby at first, but Jinhwan had convinced Junhwe to join, Junhwe had brought Yunhyeong, Yunhyeong had forced Donghyuk to join, and Donghyuk had dragged Chanwoo along. Now Hanbin has a whole group he can boss around. (Jinhwan isn't sure if that's a good or bad thing.) But as he sits beside Hanbin now, his head resting on Hanbin's shoulder, while Hanbin yells at the team ("How hard can it be to stay on beat, Goo Junhwe, honestly, even Chanwoo can do it and Chanwoo doesn't even know the moves for that part—"), Jinhwan begins to regain the sense of comfort and stability that has been so difficult for him to find again the past few weeks. He pinches Hanbin’s thigh and tells him to lay off his boyfriend, but that only makes Hanbin target Donghyuk instead. It's bad enough that Donghyuk is nearly in tears and the atmosphere is starting to get awkward, so Jinhwan tells Bobby to take Hanbin to get snacks. Hanbin starts to protest, but Bobby yanks Hanbin to his feet and hauls him off to the store. The others collapse where they're standing, complaining loudly, but Junhwe lopes over to where Jinhwan is sitting and drapes himself over Jinhwan’s legs like an oversized lapdog. “I can't believe I subject myself to this torment willingly.” Jinhwan rolls his eyes as he rubs Junhwe’s back, Yunhyeong calls them gross, and Jinhwan starts to think that by some accident of life it may be easier to pick up where he’d left off than he had initially thought.

This feeling is compounded by the fact that the Mirae issue really does seem to have been resolved. Jinhwan sees her on Thursday across the courtyard as he and Junhwe are walking out of the library. He stops in his tracks and quickly lets go of Junhwe’s hand. Mirae, by now, seems to have noticed him, and she holds his gaze for a few moments before returning her attention to her phone. There is no sign of recognition in her face, though Jinhwan is sure that she must know who he is. Junhwe comes back (he'd been so absorbed in texting someone that he hadn't realized he'd left Jinhwan in the dust) and looks around. “It's Mirae.” At this Junhwe looks surprised, then angry. “She doesn't even go here.” But just as he says this, two girls come out of the building near where Mirae is standing and greet her enthusiastically. One girl spots Jinhwan and Junhwe and points in their direction, but Mirae waves her hand dismissively and the three of them leave. Jinhwan and Junhwe watch them go, and Junhwe seems satisfied. “I think Donghyuk’s mom really got to her.” Well, that's just one less thing Jinhwan has to concern himself with; he's not going to complain.

He also starts using his phone again. He ignores the messages from his parents and strikes up a conversation with his sister to get her messages of concern off the screen so he won't have to look at them, and that's that. Junhwe is glad to have his phone back, although for the first few days he gets dozens of texts and calls from Hanbin and Bobby, who had both grown used to contacting Jinhwan through Junhwe’s phone. Jinhwan had been expecting his parents to try to call or text him, but they never do, and over the course of the week, Jinhwan begins to feel as though the storm is passing. He even goes home with Hanbin and Bobby after dance practice on Friday night, and though it's comforting to be back in his second home, Jinhwan is surprised by how foreign it feels. He'd spent two straight weeks at Junhwe's apartment, only leaving once for a few hours (which had been traumatic at that), so in an accident of life it had come to replace Hanbin and Bobby's apartment for Jinhwan. All of his routines had changed, after all. But it still makes Jinhwan feel strange—he'd never have thought that Hanbin and Bobby's apartment could be unfamiliar to him.

Hanbin drives Jinhwan to Junhwe's apartment early Saturday morning on his way to work. Junhwe is still asleep, spread-eagled on the bed like he's been yearning for the opportunity to sleep by himself again, and Jinhwan jumps on him. "Time to get up, you fat lump." Junhwe groans (well, he sounds more like a bike brake in dire need of an oiling), so Jinhwan starts hitting him, punctuating each hit with a cry of "wake! up!" Finally Junhwe slithers out from under the blankets enough that his whole head is visible rather than just a tuft of his hair, and Jinhwan slides off of him and lies down beside him. Junhwe says in a hoarse voice that it's only 7:30 AM, hyung, why are you here, why are you awake, and Jinhwan explains that Hanbin has work now so he’d decided to just come with Hanbin. Junhwe is glaring at him, cranky, but Jinhwan doesn't care. He cups Junhwe's face in one hand, his thumb running across Junhwe's cheek. "You're not as cute when you're tired." Junhwe huffs that he is not fucking cute _ever_ and rolls over, his back to Jinhwan. Undeterred, Jinhwan hangs over Junhwe's shoulder. "Oh but you are; you're adorable." Junhwe is grumbling in too low of a voice for Jinhwan to catch everything, but he hears something about how cute men don't get laid. Jinhwan asks him if he would like to test that theory, and Junhwe, who had still been half-asleep, rolls back over and looks up at Jinhwan with a sly grin on his face. He's wide awake now. 

At around 10:30 Junhwe wakes up again (he'd dozed off), complaining that his arm is asleep (Jinhwan had been using it as a pillow) and that he's hungry (when is he not?). Jinhwan doesn't move his head from Junhwe's arm, but he does glance over his shoulder. Junhwe is rubbing his eye with his free hand, and god, he's so cute. Jinhwan smiles (he can't help it), sits up, and prods Junhwe's cheek. "You eat something and I'll start sorting the laundry." Jinhwan gets dressed and starts doing just that while Junhwe tumbles out of bed, pulls on a pair of sweatpants from the floor, and lopes into the kitchen. He returns shortly thereafter with the whole package of bread and folds himself up in a chair, nibbling on the corner of a slice and watching Jinhwan toss dirty clothes into piles. It's all so normal, and for Jinhwan, it's calming. He's okay. Everything is okay.

And just like that the weeks fly by until finals are over and Jinhwan has essentially moved into Junhwe's apartment. Almost all of his belongings have been brought over from Hanbin and Bobby's place by now, but he still visits them often. He and Junhwe had started looking at apartments, Junhwe has several job interviews lined up, and Bobby had helped Jinhwan get a job at the library starting next semester. Some of Jinhwan's grades have come out already—all As so far—and things are looking up. So what if he hasn't spoken to his parents in two months? Maybe this is for the better. The only thing still unsettled is his illness, but Jinhwan has come to a strange place with regard to that issue. In only a few months he'll have gone five years with no relapse, and his oncologist will pronounce him cancer-free. He’ll still feel its effects, and he still won't know the long-term risks, but in the short-term, he'll be fine. So what if Junhwe doesn't know? Maybe this is for the better. For both of them.

But after finals come the holidays, and Jinhwan finds himself missing his family. They don't call—even his sister fails to pester him to come home for Christmas—and that's when Jinhwan truly feels that he's lost them. Bobby and Hanbin invite him to their families' houses, but Jinhwan uses the opportunity to go home with Junhwe. Junhwe admits that he doesn't go home much—last year he'd only gone back for New Year's and a week during the summer—but he explains sheepishly that he'd come out to his family months ago and they're dying to meet Jinhwan. This revelation stuns Jinhwan, who remembers ruefully that he'd been cross with Junhwe for possibly being cross with him for not having come out to his family when Junhwe himself hadn't because he now realizes that hadn't been true. "I called them up a couple weeks before shit hit the fan and confessed everything. My sister was pissed you aren't available for her to snatch up, by the way." Jinhwan is a little jealous that Junhwe's parents had handled their son's alternative sexuality with more grace than his own, but their support is welcome and comforting.

So on Christmas Eve they take the one-and-a-half-hour train to Junhwe's city (preceded by a fifteen-minute bus ride to the station and succeeded by a twenty-minute bus ride to the stop nearest to Junhwe's parents' house), and Jinhwan mutters that Junhwe lives nearly as far away as Jinhwan. Junhwe snorts and says that's exactly the reason why his parents had gotten him an apartment. They spend five full days there, and Junhwe's family is far more interested in Jinhwan than they had been when he'd met them before. (Junhwe's parents had come to visit their son once the previous summer and Jinhwan had brunched with them, and Junhwe's sister he'd met a few times when she'd come to visit or party.) It's fun, and the awkwardness that Jinhwan feels at first disappears quickly. Junhwe's family is open and curious and respectful, so it isn't until Jinhwan and Junhwe get back home late at night on the twenty-ninth that Jinhwan starts to feel miserable about his own situation. Junhwe is asleep the second he's out of his jeans and jacket and thrown himself onto the bed, but Jinhwan feels wide awake and dejected. He tries to distract himself from his unhappy thoughts by tidying up and putting away the things from their trip, but this only occupies his mind for as long as there are things for him to do. When they run out, he changes into pajamas and crawls into bed even though he isn't tired. He just can't sit up by himself right now.

Jinhwan doesn't sleep well, and his tossing and turning rouses Junhwe. "C'mere." Junhwe's hand collides with the side of Jinhwan's face and slides down to tug at his shoulder. "C'mere," he mumbles again. Jinhwan rolls onto his back and squints at Junhwe through the darkness. Junhwe's hand is still pulling at Jinhwan's sweatshirt, trying to drag him closer. "'s'matter?" Jinhwan holds Junhwe's hand to keep it from scratching at him and sighs because it's nothing, babe, just overthinking as usual. Junhwe grunts and drags himself into Jinhwan's space, his head on Jinhwan's chest. He's muttering, probably something meant to be reassuring, but Jinhwan can't understand him at all. Within a few seconds Junhwe is asleep again and Jinhwan's fingers are running through Junhwe's hair. He feels a little better even though he knows that Junhwe will have no recollection of this in the morning. That's probably for the best anyway... He doesn't want Junhwe to try to cheer him up because he knows that means Junhwe will try to tell him that he doesn't need his parents. He can almost hear Junhwe's irritated drawl: _Besides, you've got me and my family and Bobby-hyung and Hanbin-hyung and your sister—what else could you_ possibly _need?_ Jinhwan yawns and tries to settle back into a comfortable position beneath Junhwe. Junhwe just doesn't understand.

They both wake up late the next day. Jinhwan feels a bit better emotionally, but his body seems to have betrayed him; he feels congested and has a tickle in his throat and some soreness in his muscles. A cold, probably. Not a big deal for anyone with a normal immune system, but Jinhwan—though stronger now than he has been in quite some time—is weaker than the average twenty-three year old, and any illness has the potential to be debilitating. So when Junhwe finally rolls out of bed in search of food, Jinhwan doesn't follow. Instead, he burrows deeper into the blankets until the smell and sizzling sound of cooking bacon waft over from the kitchen. Cooking? Junhwe? He feels the bed sag under Junhwe's weight, and Junhwe tickles Jinhwan's neck. His fingers are cold. "What's up, hyung?" Jinhwan looks up at Junhwe. "I think I might be coming down with something." Junhwe scoots away, his face twisted up in an expression of mock fear. "Shit, hyung, well don't infect me." Jinhwan responds by sitting up and coughing dramatically in Junhwe's face. Junhwe tries to push him away, half-laughing, but ends up falling off the bed. Jinhwan slips out of bed after him, snickering, and kicks Junhwe in the side on his way to the bathroom. 

"Go check on your bacon."

Jinhwan doesn't have much of an appetite, so he showers after he pees. The steam from the hot water does little to ease the pain in Jinhwan's throat and chest, which worries him. He gets out and dresses, putting on an extra layer to try to keep himself warm, though the effort is probably futile at this point. Junhwe is sitting at the table watching a YouTube video on his computer. He's got a plate of bacon and eggs and a small bowl of rice in front of him. Jinhwan sits beside him, stealing a piece of bacon and nibbling on it. He still isn't hungry, but he thinks he should eat. When he's done with the bacon, he takes Junhwe's chopsticks and helps himself to a few mouthfuls of egg, then some rice, and Junhwe snatches his chopsticks back. "Go make your own," he whines. Jinhwan gives Junhwe the most pitiful look he can muster, and Junhwe's expression softens (predictably). "Okay, fine, I'll make you some. Let me finish this first." Jinhwan says he only wants one egg, kisses Junhwe's cheek, and relocates to the couch. It doesn't take long for Junhwe to finish eating, and soon after Jinhwan can hear the sizzling of an egg being cooked. He smiles. Now if only this pressure in his chest and the pain in his throat would go away...

His thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door. Junhwe tells Jinhwan to answer it. Jinhwan asks him who it is, but Junhwe just tells him again to get the door. He must be expecting someone. With a shrug Jinhwan pads over to the door and throws it open without checking the peephole, and his jaw drops at the sight of the person on his doorstep: His mother. How could she have found them? What is she doing here? Jinhwan doesn't know what to do. Before he can pull himself together enough to say something, Junhwe is walking out of the kitchen area. "Merry Christmas, babe, I hope you li—" Junhwe stops talking immediately when he sees who it is, and his expression changes from an easy-going smirk to a scowl. Jinhwan turns to glance at Junhwe, and the danger of the situation stirs him into action. He steps back, beckoning his mother to come in. Junhwe starts to protest, but Jinhwan shuts him up with a look as he guides his mother to the couch. Once she's sat down, he grabs Junhwe's sweatpants from the floor and throws them at him (because of course Junhwe is only in a hoodie and underwear) and quickly makes the bed (though he really just smooths out the comforter and rearranges the pillows). Satisfied that the apartment looks somewhat presentable (and relieved he’d cleaned yesterday), he returns his attention to his mother. Would she like a glass of water? Yes, she would, and Jinhwan sits down beside her while Junhwe stomps into the kitchen. 

They're both silent, and Jinhwan is staring down at his lap, picking at his nails. His heart is beating too fast and his head is pounding and he can feel an anxiety attack creeping up on him. He swallows and squeezes his eyes shut, opening them only when he feels his mother's hand on his knee. "Your sister told me where to find you. Don't be too upset with her." Jinhwan doesn't look up, instead focusing all of his attention on his mother's hand. Of course his sister had blabbed, he thinks bitterly. She'd probably gotten tired of waiting for him to reach out to their mother himself. The banging in the kitchen stops, and Junhwe comes out with a glass of water, which he hands to Jinhwan's mother. He still looks angry. Jinhwan touches Junhwe's arm and asks him in a small voice to sit at the table while he and his mother talk. Junhwe looks for a moment like he might argue, but he seems to think the better of it and stalks over to the table to throw himself heavily into one of the chairs. He begins to type away furiously on his phone, one eye trained on Jinhwan. Jinhwan watches him for a moment, then turns to his mother.

"Okay, well... Why are you here?"  
Jinhwan thinks it's a fair question; no beating around the bush, no getting angry about his sister having betrayed his confidence. Straight to the point. His mother sips her water, then sets it down on the coffee table and folds her hands delicately in her lap. "I'd like to repair our relationship."  
It's a simple answer. Jinhwan frowns and looks back at his knees. His mother continues: "At first, I really didn't know what to think, especially because of—of what you two were—doing. And then your father—" she pauses and shakes her head. "When we came back and I saw that you were gone, I didn't know what to do. I called everyone I could think of to try to find you. When your sister came, she had me read a lot of things. You know how I like to read when there's a prob—a—a thing I don't understand. And I understand now, a lot more than I did, and I don't love you any less, Jinhwan, you must know this."  
Jinhwan says nothing. He can feel the tears welling up, but he sniffs hard and wipes them away.  
"My Jinhwan-ah," his mother says, placing a hand on Jinhwan's knee again. She sounds desperate. "I understand how you feel now, and there is nothing that hurts me more than the weeks we've been apart, but I need you to come home, Jinhwan, you're sick—"  
"Being gay isn't a fucking sickness!" explodes Junhwe, and Jinhwan looks up at him in alarm. Junhwe has stormed across the room and gotten in Jinhwan's mother's face. "You don't understand a single fucking thing if you think that, you fucking—"  
"Goo Junhwe!" Jinhwan shouts, leaping to his feet. He shoves Junhwe back. Junhwe tries to get closer, livid, but Jinhwan pushes him back again. "Calm down. Look at me. _Look at me._ " Jinhwan is holding Junhwe's arms, shaking him, and Junhwe finally looks down at Jinhwan. Jinhwan has never seen him this angry.  
"She said—" Junhwe starts, but Jinhwan interrupts him.  
"She isn't talking about being gay."  
Junhwe frowns in confusion. "She—she—wait—huh?"  
Jinhwan glances back at his mother, then pulls Junhwe aside to the kitchen area. In a low voice, he says, "When she said I was sick, she wasn't talking about me being gay."  
"What do you mean? What else could she be talking about?"  
"I promise that I will explain everything to you when she leaves, but for now, would you mind going out for a bit?" Junhwe's face twists into annoyed expression. "Please?" 

Junhwe, of course, looks like he would rather do anything else, but eventually he nods. Jinhwan breathes out a sigh of relief and kisses Junhwe in thanks. Jinhwan leans against the counter as Junhwe stomps around the apartment, banging drawers and doors shut as he gets ready to leave. When he emerges from the bathroom fully dressed with his backpack slung over one shoulder, Jinhwan meets him at the door. Jinhwan wraps his arms around Junhwe's waist and presses his face into Junhwe's chest, mumbling his thanks, and Junhwe just sighs. "Are you sure you'll be all right?" Jinhwan nods and stands on tiptoe to kiss Junhwe goodbye. Junhwe is still frowning down at Jinhwan in concern, so Jinhwan shoos him out of the apartment, insisting that he'll be fine. Once he's sure that Junhwe has safely made it down the stairs, Jinhwan gently shuts the door. Now he has no choice but to tell Junhwe the truth, and no choice but to face his mother. What an unfortunate accident of life…

After he takes a moment to pull himself together, Jinhwan returns to the couch and sits beside his mother again. She doesn't resume their earlier conversation, but instead asks Jinhwan how serious his relationship with Junhwe is. Jinhwan fiddles with a hole in the sleeve of his hoodie. "Pretty serious. We're looking at apartments." His mother makes a small noise, then tries to tell him that it's too early, that he's not out of the woods yet, that he should be home where they can take care of him, but Jinhwan says with a note of finality that he is not moving back in with them. She seems taken aback by his statement, and Jinhwan himself is a bit surprised by how resolute he had sounded. But it's true. He won't move back in with them—not under any circumstances, in no uncertain terms. He looks from the hole in his sleeve to his mother, who seems to him to be much smaller and sadder than he remembers. He chews his lip. He's about to say something when his mother looks up from her lap with a sigh. "Will you at least come over tomorrow for New Year's?" Jinhwan frowns, starts to shake his head no—"With Junhwe, of course, and Hanbin and Bobby."

Now Jinhwan really feels confused. On the one hand, this could be a good opportunity. He'd have Hanbin and Bobby there for moral support, and his mother had explicitly said that she wants Junhwe to come too. It could be a fresh start for all of them. And if his mother is ready, can Jinhwan dare hope that his father is ready to accept him now too? Or is he asking too much of the man? Because on the other hand, no matter how accepting his mother and sister might be, none of it matters if his father is still disapproving. Maybe he could get along with his mother, see her occasionally, but his mother would never stick up for him in a meaningful way; he could never go back home and look his father in the eye, and his mother would allow it to stay that way. It might be better than nothing, but that isn't what Jinhwan wants. He's worrying so hard at the hole in his sleeve that he’s making it worse, and his mother covers his hands with her own. "Jinhwan-ah." Her voice is soft and soothing and Jinhwan wants to scream. "Please." Jinhwan lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and then trains his eyes on his mother.

"I'll go," he says finally, and the relief on his mother's face nearly breaks his heart. "I'll go, but if anything happens, I'm out. I'm serious; I'm out."

His mother nods. They talk a little more, about Jinhwan's condition and his classes, but the conversation is stiff and awkward because Jinhwan just can't get himself to relax. He's never been totally open with his mother, sure, but he's always been able to talk to her pretty easily. It makes him sad that he's become so afraid. But when she kisses him goodbye and he watches her go, he realizes (with just a touch of annoyance) that if he's this scared, it isn't his fault. When he picks up his phone, there is a slew of messages from Hanbin and Bobby and one from his sister ( _How did it go and please don't be mad_ ). He wants to call Bobby and talk everything out with him, but he owes Junhwe an explanation. It's long overdue anyway. He texts Junhwe ( _She's gone_ ), and ten minutes later Junhwe is back home. It seems as though he's calmed down, which Jinhwan is grateful for; he doesn't know how he'd be able to explain his illness to an angry, pig-headed Junhwe. He tells Junhwe to sit on the couch, gets himself a glass of water, and then sits beside him. Junhwe is gazing at him expectantly. Well... it's now or never.

"When my mom said I was sick, it's... it's because I _am_ sick, Junhwe. I have what's called acute lymphoblastic leukemia." If Junhwe is shocked by this, he doesn't show it. Jinhwan wets his lips and explains what the disease is in a shaky voice. "I was diagnosed at sixteen. It's why I quit dancing. I was in treatment for two and a half years. That's why I started university late."  
Jinhwan looks up at Junhwe. He's frowning—a contemplative frown, thankfully, rather than a discontented frown. "So... so you have cancer?" Jinhwan nods. "And you didn't tell me?" Jinhwan nods again. "But... you don't..."  
"I'm in remission," Jinhwan supplies quickly. "The worst part of my treatment was years ago, back when I was first diagnosed. Chemo, radiation, all that stuff is over for me. Most oncologists say that if you go five years without a relapse, you're cancer-free. That's next summer for me."  
Junhwe is nodding. "Right," he says, "but why didn't you just tell me?"  
"I didn't wanna scare you away," Jinhwan mumbles. It sounds so stupid now. The thinnest of excuses.  
"Am I the only one who didn't know?"  
Jinhwan chews his lip. "I mean, Donghyuk or Yunhyeong or whatever, they don't know, but Hanbin and Bobby do. They were with me the whole time."  
Junhwe looks glum. "They were?"  
"Yeah, Bobby came over from America the first summer I was sick and never left. Lived with his grandparents and even with me some of the time. Hanbin never left me alone. I dunno that I could have gotten through it without them."  
"So you don't need me."

Jinhwan had been picking his nails, avoiding looking Junhwe in the eye because he's embarrassed and feeling guilty, but he looks up in concern at Junhwe's tone. Junhwe is leaning back against the arm of the couch, his arms folded across his chest, and he's staring up at the ceiling. There are tears in his eyes and he's biting his lip, and Jinhwan curses himself for making the person he cares most about in the world this upset. "Hey, come on, you know that isn't true," he says in what he hopes is a soothing voice as he crawls closer to Junhwe and pulls at his arms. Junhwe seldom cries (except, for some reason, when he watches romance movies or listens to sad songs), and Jinhwan can't handle it when he does. But Junhwe jerks his arms away and turns to the side, hiding his face in his hands, trembling. Jinhwan isn't sure what he should do. He doesn't know what kind of reaction to his confession he'd been expecting—maybe anger or disappointment or shock—but certainly not anything like this. In an unsteady voice from behind his hands Junhwe says that he's done everything he can for Jinhwan, that he doesn't know what else there is for him to do, that he's tried so hard to make Jinhwan love him as much as Jinhwan loves Bobby and Hanbin—

And there it is. This has nothing to do with Jinhwan's illness. Jinhwan isn't sure if that's a blessing in disguise or an accident of life or something else entirely. He scoots beside Junhwe, half off the couch, and pulls Junhwe into a hug. This time Junhwe doesn't resist. Jinhwan looks down at the top of Junhwe’s head and frowns. He's struck by the fact that Junhwe is still just a kid, only twenty, and despite his ego and his posturing and all the relationships and hookups he's had, Junhwe is needy and anxious and has probably never been in love before. Jinhwan himself is only twenty-three and certainly no expert, but he's been in love and he's in love now and he probably should have done more to make sure Junhwe never had any doubts. Junhwe isn't Bobby or Hanbin—their relationship needs different things, and Jinhwan feels like a fool for not having realized this sooner. And now, not knowing what else he can do, Jinhwan opens his mouth and starts to talk: 

_Maybe this is because we throw around the word "love" so easily or something, but I don't love Hanbin and Bobby the way I love you, Goo Junhwe, you've gotta know that by now. Like, I love them, I can't live without them, but I love them like family, you know, it's totally different. Like, yeah, they got me through the worst years of my life and that's a huge part of why we're so close, but Junhwe, you're the one who made me love life again. I dunno how to explain it, but after something like that, it's really easy to lose sight of who you are and what you want, you know, like it's hard to really come back from that at a hundred percent and I thought I was okay, you know, and like, I was okay, but that's the thing—I was just okay, I was getting through each day, but I was so scared of everything, like, I was scared of things not working out and everything falling apart but, god, Junhwe, I dunno, but your friendship made me feel so good that I was happier and more confident than I had been since I got sick. And when you wrote me that song, Junhwe, I just lost it and I got the courage to ask you out and just—being with you, just looking at you makes me feel better, every fucking time, I just love you so fucking much—so fucking much—and I know what you do for me, but I don't know that you really know everything you've done for me, and I need Hanbin and Bobby, I've been with them so long I wouldn't know how to live without them, but god, Goo Junhwe, you're my everything. I love you, I could spend my whole life with you, I—_

Jinhwan's rambling is interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. Junhwe, now no longer crying but still sniffling, gently pushes Jinhwan away from him and mutters that Jinhwan should go get the door. Jinhwan frowns, but Junhwe waves a hand, wiping the other on his shirt. "Go, hyung, before the post guy leaves." Jinhwan reluctantly leaves Junhwe and heads to the door, checking who's there through the peephole this time. It is in fact the postman, who has a package if he could just sign right here? Jinhwan signs, takes the envelope, and thanks the postman, who bows and scurries off. Junhwe is sitting up now, feet on the floor, elbows on his knees, hands rubbing his face. Jinhwan drops down beside him and opens up the envelope: Two (very nice) tickets to see a ballet production of _Sleeping Beauty_ performed by the Korea National Ballet. Jinhwan stares at them, then at Junhwe. "Oh my god," Jinhwan says weakly. Junhwe manages a smile. Jinhwan hasn't been to see a show since he’d gotten sick. “ _Sleeping Beauty_ is one of my favorites; I love the music so much.” Junhwe nods, saying he'd consulted Hanbin and Bobby about it. “I've never been to a ballet before. Thought it might be nice to go.” Jinhwan puts the tickets down on the table and hugs Junhwe, kissing his cheek. Then he pulls away and frowns in concern.

“Are you okay?”  
The question hangs the air for a moment. “Yeah, I—” Junhwe pauses and runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I just feel like I come second. Sometimes.”  
“Well, you don’t. I love you more than anything.”  
Junhwe swats at Jinhwan. “Aw, c’mon, hyung, don't say sappy shit.”  
“Oh but I _am_ a sap,” Jinhwan says with a grin as he throws himself on Junhwe, smothering him with over-the-top kisses.  
Junhwe manages to shove Jinhwan off and then climbs over the back of the couch to the bed and stretches out on it. Jinhwan follows him. “So you have leukemia?” Jinhwan nods and explains the disease again. Junhwe looks thoughtful. “So the bruises…”  
“Are the disease, not you, yes.”  
“Which is why you're always wearing—”  
“Long-sleeved shirts and pants, yes.”  
“And that time Bobby-hyung went nuts on Hanbin—”  
“Is mostly because Bobby is overprotective, but yes, it's because I can get hurt easy but recover slowly.”  
“And you don't drink alcohol because—”  
“Because my body is already trying to self-destruct and I'm not gonna help it along,” Jinhwan says, and he smiles. “Things about me are suddenly starting to make a whole lot more sense, aren't they?”  
“Yeah…” Junhwe rubs his chin. “Is the social worker thing because of cancer too?”  
“Yeah, it is,” Jinhwan says. “I’m grateful to my whole team for saving me and getting me through it, but my social worker, she—she helped me work through everything, she helped my family, and, honestly, she saved Hanbin.”  
Junhwe raises his eyebrows and snorts. “Saved Hanbin-hyung?”  
“Hanbinie, he…” Jinhwan trails off, not sure if he should be spilling Hanbin’s secrets, but he decides that he’s kept enough from Junhwe. He rubs his eyes. “Everyone dealt with my illness in different ways, and it hit Hanbin hard. He started falling apart—skipping school, getting into fights, that sort of thing.” Jinhwan tugs at the hole in his sleeve and sighs. “My social worker helped him as much as she helped me, and I want to be able to do that for other people too.”  
Junhwe nods. “And Bobby-hyung? How’d he take it?”  
Jinhwan shrugs. “You know him. He was always so positive.” Jinhwan rolls onto his side and pinches Junhwe’s cheek. “How do you think you would’ve handled it? Totally lost it like Hanbin or been optimistic like Bobby?”  
“I’d’ve totally lost it like Hanbin-hyung,” Junhwe says immediately, and Jinhwan laughs. “But I think I’m slightly more mature now than when I would’ve been—what? Thirteen?”  
“Yeah, you at that age must have been unbearable.”  
Junhwe glares at Jinhwan. “Rude.” Then his expression turns serious. “But for real, if anything happens, I won't leave. I can't believe you thought I might.”  
Jinhwan squirms. “It's—I—”  
“Nah, hyung, I get it; don't worry.”

Junhwe is looking at Jinhwan, his eyes full of love, a tentative smile on his face, and Jinhwan’s heart swells. Ever since the altercation with Jinhwan’s parents, Junhwe has handled all of their little setbacks with a maturity Jinhwan would not have thought possible a few months ago. And this—Jinhwan thinks Junhwe really _does_ understand where Jinhwan is coming from. He understands, and he forgives. Jinhwan throws himself onto Junhwe, squeezing the life out of him, and Junhwe whines because hyung, you're crushing me, and how can someone so small be so powerful? Jinhwan lets up a little and kisses Junhwe, who grins. "So before when you were talking about spending the rest of your life with me—were you asking me to marry you? Cause I dunno that we're ready—" Jinhwan smacks Junhwe's forehead. The sweet moment is ruined, of course it is, Junhwe really can't allow such a thing to last more than thirty seconds or he might explode. Why had Jinhwan expected anything different? He rolls off of Junhwe (and Junhwe is protesting, realizing he probably isn't going to get laid now) and stomps into the bathroom to brush his teeth and take some medicine. He still doesn't feel well. When they're both in bed (Junhwe is watching TV and pouting while Jinhwan texts Bobby), Jinhwan sets down his phone and clears his throat.

"My mom wants you and me and Bobby and Hanbin to go to my house tomorrow for New Year's." Junhwe doesn't respond so Jinhwan looks over his shoulder. "I told her we'd go, but if you don't want to, we don't have to."  
"No, we should go."  
Jinhwan raises his eyebrows and faces Junhwe. "We should?"  
"I know how important your family is to you, and if we have a chance to do something about this, then we should, right?"  
Jinhwan smiles. "Yeah, that's what I was thinking. And don't worry—if anyone starts anything, we're out and I'm done for good."  
"Okay then."

Junhwe doesn't look or sound happy about the situation—and Jinhwan would be lying if he said he feels confident about going to see his family—but at least Junhwe is open to it. Bobby is cautiously optimistic. _I feel like its a step in da rite direction but u gotta b careful hyung don't get ur hopes up too much ok but I feel good abt it._ Jinhwan plugs his phone in and puts it on the night stand with a yawn. Maybe he's asking for too much, but maybe by some accident of life everything will fall into place and he can ring in the new year with a repaired relationship with his parents and their acceptance of his boyfriend. He pulls the blankets tighter around himself and smiles. His mom and sister are on his side... It should be okay. He'll be fine. He has nothing to worry about. Even if his father is, well, himself, there will be enough people present who love Jinhwan that he thinks it shouldn't matter. Everything is out now anyway; Jinhwan doesn't think there's much left that could shake him.

Hanbin drives the four of them to Jinhwan's house the next day in the early afternoon. Jinhwan had woken up feeling worse (his head had felt like it was stuffed with cotton and it had hurt to breathe), but after a few doses of medicine he'd perked up enough to commit to going (much to Junhwe's dismay). They arrive in the early evening, and it's less awkward than Jinhwan had thought it might be. It's still pretty awkward, though. The small talk, the atmosphere—everything. Even Bobby, who is usually so open and friendly, is fidgeting in his seat uneasily. But Jinhwan had been imagining that everyone would be sitting in the living room in dead silence, staring each other down, so the fact that the conversation is pleasant—if a bit stiff—is a win in his book. Anything is better than the alternative he had been dreaming up, at any rate.

So they move on to dinner, and Jinhwan is feeling pretty good. But he should have known this wouldn't last because dinner is where everything starts to fall apart. Jinhwan’s parents sit at either end of the table, and Jinhwan starts to sit beside his mother, and Junhwe beside him, when his father says suddenly that Junhwe should sit next to him. Bobby had already pulled out that chair, and everyone is staring at it, unsure of what to do, but Bobby drops into the chair after a brief pause and forces out a laugh. “Too late, Junhwe!” But of course it can’t be that easy because Jinhwan’s father says in a dangerous voice that Bobby needs to switch seats. “It's fine,” mutters Junhwe, and he pats Bobby’s shoulder. “It's fine.” Jinhwan pushes his chair back in and starts for the middle chair, but his father glares at him. “You stay where you are.” Jinhwan and his father stare each other down, and Jinhwan is almost ready to fling something at his father, his hands clenched on the back of the chair. 

“It's fine, hyung, don't worry about it. Sit by your mother.”

Jinhwan tears his eyes from his father’s face to raise his eyebrows at Junhwe. Junhwe’s eyes are pleading with him: _Just let it go. The sooner you sit and we eat, the sooner we’re out of here._ Jinhwan gives one curt nod. When they've all sat down, Jinhwan feels Bobby squeeze his knee under the table, and Jinhwan nudges Bobby’s leg with his foot. _I’m fine._ During dinner Jinhwan’s sister tries to keep the conversation focused on her and her fiancé (Jinhwan still isn’t used to this), which probably wouldn't have been difficult under normal circumstances, but Jinhwan’s father is having none of it. He spends all of dinner ignoring everyone but Junhwe. What does Junhwe do? What do his parents do? His sister? What are his prospects? His grades? It’s an interrogation. Jinhwan wants to throw his food in his father’s face. But Junhwe had had the right idea—the sooner they finish, the sooner they're out of there. Jinhwan focuses on that thought to try to keep his temper in check. All of the sadness and fear he'd been feeling the past few months have been turning into anger over the course of the dinner, and his father’s rudeness is not helping.

“So do you have a long-term girlfriend you're looking to marry in the future?”

Jinhwan drops his chopsticks onto his plate with a clang. That’s it. That’s the last straw. “I have to use the restroom.” He gets up before anyone can stop him, heads into the living room, puts on his shoes, and walks out of the house. He doesn't know where he's going, but he doesn't care. How could his father have asked something like that? Junhwe’s stunned face as he had mouthed wordlessly, trying to come up with an answer… Jinhwan yells out in frustration and starts running, angry tears streaming down his face, blurring his vision. How could Jinhwan have been so naïve to think that his father had come around? Forget him. Forget him! Jinhwan deserves better than this. He deserves to have people around him who want nothing but the best for him and his partner, and if his father isn't one of those people, then his father doesn't deserve Jinhwan. 

Jinhwan slows to a stop when he's finally calmed down (never mind his burning lungs) and looks around. He's wound up in a deserted park, and his heart starts to sink when he realizes that he has no idea where he is. Shit. He sits on one of the swings with a sigh and fishes through the pockets of his jacket for his phone—except he's not wearing his jacket. He leaps off the swing and pats the pockets of his jeans—no phone. Now his heart starts to fill with dread as he realizes that not only does he have no idea where he is, but he doesn't have his phone and he doesn't even have his jacket. Plus it's cold and he's already sick and—a snowflake lands on the tip of his nose. Fuck. Jinhwan looks up, and more and more are falling, and before long it's snowing rather heavily. Jinhwan mutters curses to himself as he looks around for shelter. He had decided not to leave the park because he thinks it can’t be too far from his house, and if he leaves, he runs the risk of getting even more lost. Besides, if everyone comes looking for him, he thinks it's a fair assumption that they'll stop here. Not that this solves his current predicament...

Jinhwan spots a bridge near the swings and hurries toward it. It isn't ideal, but it’s in plain view of both the road and the park trail, and it offers protection from the snow and even a little from the wind, so Jinhwan will take what he can get. He folds himself up into a ball, shivering and miserable. But he pushes all of his frustrations to the back of his mind and focuses his thoughts on Junhwe: His smile, his laugh, the feel of his fingers on Jinhwan’s skin, his brattiness, his lame jokes, the way he breathes out Jinhwan’s name when they fuck, his warm spicy scent, his silky soft hair, the touch of his lips, his deep beautiful voice, his height, and that goofy look of infatuation he gives Jinhwan every time Jinhwan smiles at him... And with his mind distracted by the love of his life, Jinhwan forgets—at least for a little while—how horrible he feels, and after some time he drifts off to sleep.

He's shaken awake roughly. “Hyung! _Hyung!_ ” It sounds like Junhwe, but his voice seems far away. With a great effort (helped along by a pair of desperate hands) Jinhwan lifts his head off his knees. His body feels like it weighs a ton. He groans as he cracks his eyes open. Junhwe is kneeling beside him, hysterical, his hands scrabbling at Jinhwan’s face. “Fuck, hyung—fuck—you're so—fuck, take my jacket—” Junhwe rips his coat off and wraps Jinhwan up in it. It's warm, pleasantly so from Junhwe’s body heat, and it smells just like him. Jinhwan shuts his eyes, but Junhwe shakes him again. Jinhwan wishes Junhwe would stop; his head is swimming. He opens his eyes. Junhwe is fumbling with his gloves, trying to stuff them onto Jinhwan’s stiff, frozen fingers. When he finally manages to succeed (and Jinhwan is whimpering because his fingers hurt), he sits down and envelops Jinhwan in his arms. Then from one of his coat pockets he produces his phone.

“Hey hyung I was right—yeah I found him—yeah that park. Get here as soon as you—the bridge—yeah, that's the one. Yeah. He's not good, hyung, but I—yeah that's—yeah, okay, bye.”

Junhwe drops his phone and starts rubbing every part of Jinhwan he can reach to try to warm him up. But Jinhwan just feels sick and tired. He presses himself against Junhwe with a small sigh. He can hear Junhwe mumbling: _Fuck, hyung, running off, no coat, no phone, already sick, fuck, fucking dumb as fuck._ Junhwe’s voice is unsteady, and Jinhwan’s brain is working too slowly to be able to figure out why. He's still puzzling over this when he hears a car pull up, doors opening and slamming shut, and then feet pounding into the ground. Hanbin and Bobby are yelling, and Jinhwan feels himself being pried from Junhwe’s grasp. A pair of gloved hands grabs his face and Jinhwan finds himself squinting at a petrified Bobby. Hanbin drops down behind Bobby, hanging over his shoulder, looking devastated. Jinhwan blinks at them. Bobby pulls off one of his gloves and sticks his hand down Jinhwan’s shirt. “Take deep breaths.” Jinhwan tries, but it's difficult, and he aches everywhere. Bobby shakes his head, says something’s off, and Junhwe says that Jinhwan is already sick. At this Bobby’s expression darkens.

“I'm calling an ambulance.”

Jinhwan protests weakly, but Bobby is already on the phone, speaking low and quick. When he hangs up, he leans down and whispers something to Hanbin, who frowns but nods. “Whatever, hyung.” He touches Jinhwan’s cheek and then stands, pulling out his phone and starting a call as he walks off. Jinhwan hears a car door open and close, and then the engine revs and the car drives off. Bobby squats beside Junhwe and is considering Jinhwan with the saddest expression Jinhwan has ever seen, so Jinhwan turns his head toward Junhwe’s chest and shuts his eyes. Junhwe shakes him again, and Jinhwan groans. Why won't they let him sleep? He doesn't have long to ponder this question, however, before he hears the wailing of sirens. No… Jinhwan doesn't want to go to the hospital. Bobby tears off to meet the paramedics, and soon after two of them arrive with a stretcher. One of them walks over and asks Jinhwan if he can stand, and in an irritated voice Jinhwan says that he can, that he's fine, that he doesn't need to go to the hospital. But as he struggles to his feet he realizes how frozen, how sick, and how much pain he’s really in, and he sways, stumbles forward, and then goes crashing to the ground as he faints.

Jinhwan wakes up warm and comfortable, though he's achy and his head is throbbing. He can feel tubes up his nose and an oximeter on his finger and an IV in his arm and some kind of fabric wrapped around his head. He's in the hospital. How had he ended up here? Very slowly he’s able to piece together what had happened: He must have passed out in that park and been brought to the hospital. But how long ago? Jinhwan racks his brain for any clues, but aside from a wisp of a memory of talking to his oncologist—which Jinhwan isn't sure he should trust since he also has a memory of swapping bodies with Hanbin—he doesn't remember a thing after fainting. Well, he’ll just have to figure it out. With enormous effort Jinhwan cracks his eyes open. To his right are his mother and sister, whispering to each other, and to his left are Hanbin and Bobby. Hanbin is asleep, hunched over the bed, his head pillowed on his arms, and Bobby is texting, his free hand resting on Jinhwan’s. In the far-right corner reading a book is Jinhwan’s father. Jinhwan blinks slowly and his finger twitches.

“Where’s Junhwe?” 

His voice is a low croak that no one notices. His finger twitches again, and this time Bobby feels it. He drops his phone on the bed and squeezes Jinhwan’s hand. “Hyung?” At Bobby’s reaction everyone else in the room starts to stir. Jinhwan’s mother and sister grab his other arm, cooing, and Jinhwan’s father gets out of his chair. Bobby stamps on Hanbin’s foot, and Hanbin shoots up, wiping drool from the side of his mouth. Then he notices Jinhwan’s open eyes and flails. Jinhwan looks at his mother and sister, then Hanbin, then Bobby. “Where's Junhwe?” he asks again. His voice is stronger now. Bobby and Hanbin glance at each other, and Jinhwan’s mother and sister avoid his gaze. Jinhwan asks again, and then his father snaps that that boy is not welcome here. Jinhwan swallows. Not this again. Not here, not now. He fixes his attention on Bobby.

“Is he here?”  
Bobby’s eyes flick toward Jinhwan’s father, and then he sighs. “He's downstairs in the lobby.”  
Jinhwan’s father gives a cry of outrage, but Jinhwan ignores him. “Can you bring him here? I want to see him.”  
“Hanbin, go get Junhwe.”  
Hanbin stands and makes for the door, but Jinhwan’s father starts after him. “Kim Hanbin, if you set so much as _one foot_ outside that door—”

But before he can do anything, Bobby has crossed the room and cut him off. The two men glare at each other, and Hanbin slips out the door. Jinhwan’s father tells Bobby to move, but Bobby doesn't budge. Jinhwan’s sister is on her feet now, trying to reason with their father, but he won't hear it. In a minute Hanbin is back with Junhwe, and as soon as Jinhwan sees Junhwe he starts to relax. But his father is yelling now, telling Junhwe to get out, and Hanbin and Bobby are standing in front of Junhwe protectively and Jinhwan’s mother is on the verge of tears and his sister is trying to talk over their father and Junhwe looks defeated and Jinhwan just can't take it anymore. With a surge of energy and an angry shout Jinhwan shoots up, enraged. “You let me see him!” he's screaming, and he's thrashing about on the bed, his mother now trying to hold him down, but Jinhwan doesn't even know what he's doing and he’s still shrieking and he’s trying to get at all the tubes and wires because he’s just got to get out of here but now nurses are rushing in, pinning him to the bed, trying to grasp his arm to hit him with a sedative—

“Kim Jinhwan! Kim Jinhwan, you will stop this right now!”

Jinhwan feels a strong hand grip his shoulder and he whips around to face the offender—but it's Jangmi. “You stop right now and let the nurses take care of you.” Jinhwan stops his thrashing and feels immediately regretful. Now that the adrenaline has subsided, he feels lightheaded and sore. The nurses fix him up, readjusting some of the equipment and checking his vitals, and then after one of them has a quick chat (or argument) with Jangmi, they leave. Jangmi pulls Bobby’s vacated chair closer to Jinhwan and sits in it. “What happened?” Jinhwan feels even weaker now than he had when he'd woken up, so rather than tell Jangmi everything, he says simply, “He won't let me see Junhwe.” Jangmi raises her eyebrows and considers everyone in the room as if she's just noticed their presence. Her eyes travel slowly from person to person until they settle on Junhwe. He’s half-hidden behind Hanbin and Bobby, staring at his shoes. Jangmi asks him if he’s Goo Junhwe, and he mutters that he is, and Jangmi grins. “He’s cuter in person,” she says to Jinhwan. She stands and taps her chin with a frown.

“I still don’t understand the problem?”  
“The problem,” snaps Jinhwan’s father, “is that that young man is upsetting my son and needs to be removed from this room immediately!”  
Jangmi raises her eyebrows. “I’m not so sure Goo Junhwe is the one upsetting your son.”  
“Excuse me?”  
“I think that by denying his boyfriend visitation you’re making the situation worse than it needs to be.”  
Jinhwan’s father’s eyes nearly pop out of his head. “My son does not have a boyfriend!”  
Comprehension dawns on Jangmi’s face. “Ah,” she says. “Ah.”

At that moment another woman enters the room. She ignores everyone and strolls to Jinhwan’s other side, and then she drops a clipboard onto the table and presses the back of her hand to his forehead. “Hey Doc,” Jinhwan mumbles. It's his oncologist and Jangmi’s twin sister, Lee Sungmi. Sungmi is frowning, caught up in her own thoughts as she sticks the eartips of her stethoscope into her ears and presses the cold metal of the diaphragm into Jinhwan’s chest. “Deep breaths.” Jinhwan’s breathing is labored, and Sungmi frowns harder. She gestures to Jangmi, who gives a resigned sigh before helping Sungmi roll Jinhwan to his side so Sungmi can hear his breathing from the back. When she's done, she consults her clipboard, mouthing silently to herself. Jangmi clears her throat.

“Slow on the uptake, sis, as usual.”  
Sungmi looks up. “Huh?”  
“We’re having a bit of a thing.”  
Sungmi looks around. “The kind of thing that makes my very sick patient throw a fit and try to cause himself deliberate harm?” She tosses a stern look at Jinhwan, who tries to look appropriately ashamed.  
“Yes, Sungmi, that kind of thing.”  
“So what's the problem?”  
“Doctor,” growls Jinhwan’s father, “I would like for you to remove that young man from this room.”  
“He's the source of the disturbance?” Sungmi asks, tilting her head. She looks at Jangmi, who nods. “I heard he's been helping Jinhwan recover.”  
“Recover? Recover?” spits Jinhwan’s father. “He's nothing but trouble.”  
Sungmi and Jangmi share a glance. “Sir,” Jangmi says gently, “this is just something you're going to have to accept—”  
“No! Either you make him leave or—or—or I will no longer pay for treatment!”

There is a ringing silence after his words. Jinhwan can scarcely believe it. Is his father that terrible? That stubborn? Even Jinhwan’s mother seems shocked, and in an anxious voice she asks him to think about what he's saying. But he won't be reasoned with. Jangmi and Sungmi look at each other, then at Jinhwan, then at his father. In stunned voices they ask him unison if he would really do that to his own son. “And if you won't pay—” Hanbin starts. “Then we’d find a way,” Bobby finishes. Jinhwan could cry. The fact that they would do something like this for him… Well, he thinks it's more of a symbolic gesture than anything, though, because he's sure that everyone there knows that his mother would be able to keep his father from doing anything quite so drastic. But still—the threat is upsetting and Jinhwan is too ill for this. Too tired. He shuts his eyes with a quiet sigh, but they snap open again when he hears the door to the room slam. His father is gone. Why? Jinhwan looks up at Jangmi. 

“I'm surprised you didn't tell me about this sooner, and you're going to tell me all about it next week during our appointment time. Non-negotiable. But for now, enjoy your time with your boyfriend. A nurse will be by again soon to knock you out.”

Jangmi smiles down at him, Sungmi squeezes his shoulder, and then both of them leave. Jinhwan still feels very sick, but he mumbles Junhwe’s name and this time Junhwe comes and sits in Bobby’s empty chair. Now that Jinhwan can see him up close, he starts to get a bit worried; Junhwe doesn't look good. He has a gaunt, drained sort of look about him: His eyes are sunken with dark circles under them like he hasn't slept in days. He's paler and his hair is a mess and he smells a little and his clothes are rumpled. In fact, Jinhwan realizes that they're the same clothes Junhwe had been wearing on New Year’s Eve. How long has Junhwe been here, sitting out in the lobby, waiting to hear news, disallowed from seeing his boyfriend… Jinhwan feels tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he sniffles. “Hey,” he whispers. Junhwe mutters a hello, his eyes flitting from Jinhwan’s face to his chest to his hands to the floor. His own hands are gripping either side of the seat of his chair so hard his knuckles are white, and he looks like he has no idea what to do. Hanbin and Bobby and Jinhwan’s family had been the same way when Jinhwan had first started cancer treatment. He sighs.

“I'm okay. You can, y’know, hold my hand or something.”

Junhwe stares at Jinhwan’s hand like he's afraid it might blow up, so Jinhwan lifts his forearm slightly and reaches out toward Junhwe (which is a struggle, mind you, since Jinhwan’s arm feels like lead). Junhwe still seems dubious, but he takes Jinhwan’s hand in both of his. “I thought you were gonna die.” Jinhwan’s eyes widen. He couldn't have been that bad. Not even by some accident life does he think he could have been in a life-threatening situation. He asks Junhwe what had happened, and Junhwe chews his lip. He looks around the room at Jinhwan’s mother and sister, at Hanbin and Bobby, as if to confirm that it's okay for him to be the one to tell Jinhwan everything. No one says or does anything, so Junhwe explains what had happened. Jinhwan had snuck out of the house so quietly that no one had noticed for quite a while. When they realized that he had left the house, they searched for him for four hours until Junhwe finally found him in the park. He’d then been brought to the hospital, and he had been diagnosed with a very mild case of hypothermia and a severe case of pneumonia, plus a nasty gash on his head from the fall. Once his condition had stabilized, he’d been moved to his regular hospital. And he'd been out for three days. Three days! And pneumonia on top of that. Jinhwan groans. He'd had no idea he'd been that sick. 

Jinhwan squeezes Junhwe’s hand. (Well, he doesn’t really have the strength for it to have felt like much of a squeeze.) Junhwe squints at him. “I probably have to stay here a few more days.” Junhwe deflates and mumbles that that makes sense. Jinhwan wiggles his fingers and tells Junhwe not to worry so much, the worst of it is over, Jinhwan will be fine now, okay, so go home and take a shower and put on some clean clothes. Junhwe doesn't move so Jinhwan narrows his eyes. “Go _home._ I bet you've been here the whole time.” Bobby interjects that he'd tried to get Junhwe to go home with them to freshen up, but he'd refused. Junhwe sinks lower in his seat, sulking, muttering that he'd just been worried, cut a guy some slack, it's not like he carries deodorant around in his pocket. Jinhwan chuckles. “Listen, the nurse is gonna give me something that'll put me out anyway.” As if on cue, one of the nurses from earlier enters the room. She stands beside Junhwe and says firmly that Jinhwan-sshi needs medicine and rest. Junhwe looks from her to Jinhwan and then sighs before gently setting Jinhwan’s hand back down on the bed and leaning over to press a soft kiss to Jinhwan’s cheek. He stays there for a moment and then straightens up and steps back to allow the nurse room to work. He's chewing his nail, his expression apprehensive, and Bobby and Hanbin pop up on either side of him. Hanbin has his arms around Junhwe’s neck, peering at Jinhwan from over Junhwe’s shoulder, and Bobby is leaning into Junhwe’s space, whispering in his ear. Jinhwan watches them through the gap in the nurse’s arm, and once she shoots something into his arm, he can feel its effects immediately. He's vaguely aware of someone touching his other arm (undoubtedly his mother or sister), and then his eyelids droop and Jinhwan is fast asleep.

His condition improves steadily over the next few days. The first day he’s still bedridden and feeling terrible, but after that he feels well enough to sit up and even take short trips to the bathroom. While he still feels too sick to walk, Junhwe wheels Jinhwan around their floor when he gets antsy while Hanbin and Bobby follow them around. Eventually Jinhwan is recovered enough to walk around the floor by himself (though anything more is still pretty trying on his sick lungs), and his nurse assures him he'll be out soon. “At this point it's mostly an observational thing.” Jinhwan understands; he knows that his other health issues make him more of a special case. Doesn't mean he wants to stay though. After all the time he'd had to spend in hospitals, he's acquired a bit of a distaste for them. He'd just rather stay at home… Not that that's an option. He wonders if Hanbin and Bobby would mind if he and Junhwe were to stay with them for a while. Junhwe’s apartment isn't much bigger than Jinhwan’s room at the hospital, so he doesn't think being cooped up there would be much better. Maybe Hanbin would even give up his room… Nah, that's a pipe dream.

Jinhwan is smiling to himself, thinking about what Hanbin’s reaction to such a request would be, when he hears a gruff voice say hello. His father? His father hasn’t been to see Jinhwan since he’d stormed out a few days ago. Jinhwan cracks one eye open. Junhwe is sitting to Jinhwan’s right, folded up in his chair, his laptop balanced on his knees. Jinhwan’s father has just dragged a chair over from the corner and is sitting beside Junhwe. Junhwe closes his laptop and places it on the small table, then he sits up straight. “Good afternoon, sir.” Junhwe’s voice is stiff, his expression guarded. There isn't anyone else in the room. Jinhwan’s sister had gone back to her own house a while ago (she and her fiancé had just moved a few hours south); his mother is having brunch with her sister; and Hanbin and Bobby had gone home right before Jinhwan’s nap because Hanbin has work tonight and Bobby has to work on his senior project. So it's just been Junhwe today… Which means there is no one who can rescue him or Jinhwan from this situation. Jinhwan thinks it a cruel accident of life that events had unfolded to leave him and Junhwe by themselves when his father had shown up. He wonders if it's worth it for him to say something.

But he doesn't get the chance because his father sighs and says that he apologizes for his behavior. Jinhwan is stunned. He doesn't think he's ever heard his father apologize for anything. He's too proud. Junhwe frowns, opening and closing his mouth a few times, and then he sits back and folds his arms across his chest. Jinhwan's father shakes his head slowly. He hadn't understood, he explains. He hadn't wanted to. He asks Junhwe if it's so wrong for him to want his son to carry on the family legacy. Junhwe runs a hand over his face and lets out a breath. "You don't have to be straight to do that." Jinhwan's father is quiet for a moment, and then—"You’re right." He turns to Junhwe. There are tears in his eyes—Jinhwan can tell even though he's watching this scene unfold with his own eyes half-closed. He can't believe this is happening. Junhwe apparently can't either; he looks nervous and unsure and like he's trying very hard not to bolt from the room. "There are still a lot of things that are hard for me. I had a lot of expectations about what my son's life would be like. But I will try if you'll let me." Junhwe is staring at Jinhwan's father in disbelief. Jinhwan's eyes are wide open now too. His father continues: "I know I don't deserve it, but I am asking for you to forgive me."

"No."

The word comes out before Jinhwan can stop himself. His father and Junhwe both jump in surprise and then look over at him. Junhwe is frowning, starting to say Jinhwan's name, but Jinhwan just says it again. "No." Why should he or Junhwe forgive his father? The man had literally thrown Junhwe to the ground, stalked their friends, embarrassed both Junhwe and Jinhwan, and then threatened to let his own son's condition worsen. Jinhwan needs time. He needs to heal. What he doesn't need is to give his father any more chances, that's for sure. He sits up and glares at his father, defiant. Out of the corner of his eye, Jinhwan can see Junhwe looking completely floored. Jinhwan is just as amazed at himself, to be honest. But his father just looks old and small. Jinhwan's frustration ebbs a little. Maybe his father doesn't deserve a second chance—well, a third chance, really—but Jinhwan still has the power to give him one. He looks down at his hands in his lap. He loves his parents. Despite their faults, despite how they've treated him recently, he still loves them. It could be a fault of his own or it could be an accident of life, but that's just how Jinhwan is. He looks back up at his father. "You're right. You don't deserve our forgiveness, and I don't forgive you. But..." Jinhwan trails off with a sigh. He glances at Junhwe, then at his hands, and then back at his father. "But I'm willing to give you another chance." There are tears rolling down Jinhwan's father's face. Jinhwan looks away. 

"But it's your last chance."

His father thanks him, and the three of them sit there in awkward silence for several moments before Jinhwan's father leaves. A meeting or something. When he's gone, Jinhwan and Junhwe talk. Junhwe isn't a hundred percent convinced that Jinhwan's father has come around, but he knows how much family means to Jinhwan. "Just like New Year's, if this is what you want, then I'm willing to try." It’s been hard lately, an extreme test of their relationship, but their recent troubles have affirmed one thing for Jinhwan: How in love the two of them really are. He sniffles and clambers out of bed, crawling into Junhwe's lap. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me." Junhwe cackles. "I'm the best thing to happen to anyone." Jinhwan is so overwhelmed by the force of his love for Junhwe that he lets the remark slide. If anything, Junhwe deserves at least one small victory.

Things start looking up over the next few months. Jinhwan brings Junhwe with him to a few of his sessions with Jangmi so that she can hear the full story about what had happened. (Jangmi and Junhwe adore each other, which is how Junhwe ends up at more than one session in the first place.) Jinhwan aces his classes and preserves his perfect GPA despite all the crap he'd had to deal with last semester, and Jangmi gets him a summer internship at an outreach center. Bobby wins an award for his senior project and gets into his preferred graduate program. Hanbin gets invited to a leadership conference. Junhwe gets a job. Junhwe and Jinhwan find the perfect apartment. Jinhwan's sister has her wedding. Jinhwan's mother and Junhwe get along, and Jinhwan starts to open up to her again. And his relationship with his father, though not fully repaired, is on the mend. (Jinhwan and Junhwe are both wary, however.) And the day after Jinhwan and Junhwe move into their new apartment, Jinhwan is pronounced cancer-free. 

They all go out afterward—Jinhwan's family, Junhwe's sister, Junhwe, Hanbin, and Bobby—and then Hanbin and Bobby drag Jinhwan out to a bar afterward to celebrate with Yunhyeong, Donghyuk, and Chanwoo. They're out all night, and Junhwe and Jinhwan stumble home in the wee hours of the morning. They pick their way around the boxes and all the things thrown haphazardly about the apartment before falling into bed. Junhwe flops on top of Jinhwan, who laughs and ruffles Junhwe's hair. Junhwe is muttering sleepily into Jinhwan's chest about how he wonders how things ended up so _good,_ hyung, just so damn _good._ Jinhwan wraps his arms around Junhwe with a smile.

"Accident of life."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for sticking with me till the end! I've got just a few things I want to address now that it's over.
> 
> 1\. A lot of things in this may or may not be based on real-life events... (not their lives, obviously)
> 
> 2\. Junhwe's various songs are all real. The first song from PPN is Jasmine Thompson's acoustic cover of "Let Her Go" by Passenger. The song he wrote for Jinhwan is Nick Drake's "Cello Song." He mentions "Summertime," which is a song by Gabe Bondoc. The track to Jinhwan's contemporary routine is "Fly" by Ludovico Einaudi. There are some really amazing dances to "Fly" & "Let Her Go" on Youtube for your enjoyment.
> 
> 3\. When I listened to "Cello Song" some months into writing after I hadn't for a while, I felt a bit that it was more about someone about to die... which is not quite how I want it to be interpreted in this case, haha. Basically I tried to find something emotive that wasn't a love song or a heartbreak song, and this is what I ended up not being able to get out of my mind. The idea behind the song for Junhwe is, in general, "things may seem bad, you might think they're bad, but you're better than that and I hope one day you recognize how happy you make me." We don't get to see Junhwe's thoughts or motivations at all, so I really felt that I needed to explain this... haha.
> 
> 4\. This is a late addition, but in writing a companion piece to this work, I realized that I screwed up their ages/school years. Although this doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, it bothers me a lot for a few reasons: (1) I did actually do extensive research while writing this. I think the error came from mixing Japanese/US school years and the years in which they were born in my head while I was writing even though I had looked into the Korean school year. (Plus, it's always thrown me off that Hanbin is hyung to Donghyuk irl.) (2) I always aim for consistency and at least some semblance of accuracy (hence the research). Part of the reason it took me a year to write this is because I had done a lot of reading beforehand to ensure I had good information in my brain when I actually sat down to write this. (3) It's a little embarrassing for me to have made such an error in the first place. Unfortunately, I'd have to go back and rewrite significant portions of this to rectify the issue, so it's just going to have to stay the way it is. So... yes. I mostly felt I had to explain this for myself, but also for anyone who happened to notice. Sorry about that.


End file.
